Nobody really thoughtuch of me when i was growing uP,and looking back.I can understand why.I would often hide in my younger sisters shadow.She was only the funny one,the bold one,the strong one,the interesting one,and the more popular one.I didnt have a priblem with that.As a matter Of fact,i enjoyed the attention she got;it made me fwwl less guilty that i didnt have to go through what she did with her birth defect-she was born with a cleft palate.
In my lonely little shell.I began clinging to God;and at first,it was mostly out of fear.I was afraid of going to hell.Id often hear aboutit in church and it scared me,I used to pray God forgive me about 100 times a day,just to make sure i was still saved.I had nightmares almost every night,but that wasnt thr worst of it.
I started sleepwalking.Id go to sleep in my bed and wake uo the next day in some other room of the house.I once did that while we had guests,and when i woke uo,I found myself sleeping in their room.It was one of the most embarrasing moments of my life!
I was baptizes in water,but still,things didnt change....!No matter how much i read the Bible,how i asked God to forgive me.I still didnt have the faith that my parentshad.I remember hearing message upon message and not understanding anything.It was as if nothing in church ever spoke to me.
I began imitating my mother in prayer.Lifting my hands and even speaking in tongues,just like she did.And still...nothing...
Meanwhile,things started to get worse.I started having all kinds of evil thoughts,the kind i even feel ashamed to write about.I didnt understand it though.How could I,someone who didnt do anything bad(so i thought).who lived a sheltered life,who practically grew up indoors playing in carpet my whole childhood,possibly have so many hidden evil struggles?
Nobody knew what was going on.Sometimes Id feel this huge holr in my chest,and it hurt.Iwas a pain i could not pinpoint" why am i here"?"why do i exist"?.and"Is God really real"?were just some of tormenting queations that id have.And on topof it,I suffered from ashma.Whenit hit,which happened about every other day.I d have to sit and stay in one place the whole day.I couldnt speak to anyone had ti make myself sleep sitting down,wheezing and gasping for breath,sounding like a bunch of cats were whirring inside of me.I lost count of how many times i was rushed to the hospital.
Still i kept ReadiNg my Bible,going to church,and making my fear driven prayers.
I had a perfect family but i didnt have a perfect life.My parents had the strength i didnt have.It helped me sometimes but,at the end of the day,you know how it is.Life is personal,and so is faith.everybody around you can have positive attitude,but they cant give you what you need to keep it up for long.You need ti have it for yourself.