Me? I am just me.
Nobody.
I am not special.
I lack in so many ways.
I am not rich.
My skin color is not white. Sometimes they called me "negra".
I am not pretty.
I am small.
I don't have a talent.
I'm not good in singing nor dancing.
I am not good in essays or explaining.
I am fat.
I am maldita.
I am maarte.
I am bossy.
I'm not good in speaking in english.
I am boastful.
I don't have good eyesight
My hair is not straight.
I'm not good in fashion.
I'm not good in decision making .
I have lots of negatives.
I am weak and a liar.
Most of my friends or people who knew me thinks that I am strong. But no. I am not. I am weak. I easily get hurt. I choose not to let them see my pain.
Since elementary, I am bullied. Bullied for being poor. My classmates saw me selling news paper in street. That's my parents business. We're selling news paper, cigarettes, soft drinks, donuts (from neighbor), toron and bananaque. My classmates will ask me that they need a light for their cigarettes. They look down at me because of my status in life.
And when I was in highschool, they bullied me because of my color. Since we're selling in the street my skin color becomes darker. It's not my fault but I am being bullied because of it. They will throw my bag in the trash can. Say mean things.
I never cried in front of them because I think that they'll be happy if I break down. So I'm fighting back. I am hurt but I will never let them see it.
In our house, my father loves my older sister a lot. They don't want her to come with them selling in the streets but they woke me up to help and come with them. She's my father's princess. And my mom, loves my youngest sister. I can see the difference on how they treat my siblings and me. I'm telling myself, it's okay. You're older sister is pretty and there's a possibility that bad guy will like and court her. My youngest sister easily get sick so it's okay if my mom gave her more attention. And me, I will be strong and this is my practice in facing difficulties in this world.
When I was in college, my friends would tell me I'm bad. Why? I treat them the way they treat me. If they told me hurtful words, I'll give it back at them.
Is it wrong? Is it wrong that I made them feel what I feel? Am I bad? Am I bad if gave back their words? Why do I have to get hurt and I can't hurt them by words too? Am I unfair? For me, no. I'm just giving back what you gave me.
I had a friend, she told me "how I wish I have that lots of self confidence". Self confidence of telling that I am pretty. If I won't say it to myself, who will do it for me? None right? Because I only have me. I only have me, who understands myself. I only have me who can protect me. I only have me, to praise myself. I only have me, to praise myself. I only have myself to cry on.
I grew up being independent. I need to buy the things I need because no one will buy it for me. I talked to myself, saying"it's okay girl, you did your best".
I still thank everyone because without them I won't be this strong. I won't understand myself. I won't be ready in this unfair world. So self, it's okay, be happy.
Happy Valentine's to myself and congratulations in fighting in this world. You can do it.