Somehow, at this point, you will stand in front wearing black or white. Your face has burned from all the crying that you did.
And I will be at the front, too. Peacefully laid down with a little smile painted on my lips because I have finally attained peace. However, a part of me will be standing at the back of the pews and watching you intently with the familiar smirk in my face like I always make when we are invited to forums and we have to listen to their biased speeches.
Now, I can't believe, you will be making one for me.
You will stifle the sob at the verge of your throat. You will try to be strong because that's what I always told you, "Be strong."
And then you will start telling people how a great friend I was. How I was always there when someone needs me. How I was a ready companion with just a call or a text. You will reminisce the moments we shared in elementary, high school or college. You will tell them how I was the sunshine of the group, far different from the storm that I have put you through these days. You will share the moments I shared with you that nobody knew. You will paint a picture of me in their minds of the version of me that I gave you, and people will compare that version with the unique ones that I gave to each of them. You will recite my infamous jokes, quotations, poems, and probably even a part of this. Ah! Those were the good days.
I will smile at the back and laugh at you for being so cliché that even a dead one can guess the flow of your speech.
And then you will cry. You will cry because you will miss me. You will cry because you have lost a friend. A sister, even, because that's how I treated you. People will cry, too. You will blame yourself for missing the signs, ignoring my texts, rejecting my calls, and ditching my invitations to travel somewhere because I wanted to breathe. You will cry your heart out that you will not be able to speak anymore. So, you will walk out off the podium and go to your seat with your mind still lingering on your unfinished speech; and of our finished moments.
You will think about how you failed as a friend,
about the intensity of the pain I must have been through,
about how I have wasted my life for reasons you cannot understand,
how you regret not having the time for me,
how you left me to battle alone,
how you regret not checking on me from time to time,
and of how you were not able to save me.
Your shoulders will shake as tears cascade from your eyes non-stop.
And I will be at your side shaking my head because until now, you are silly.
Darling, you never failed.
You have done enough and even beyond what was enough. You are still the friend that I will choose in a thousand lifetime because you are here giving me the words that I have been longing to hear all my life.
Darling, my life would never have been complete without you in it.
You never failed. It was me.
I failed on giving you the signs, so, you would notice.
I failed on raising my voice a decibel louder, so, you would hear my call for help.
I failed on pulling you harder enough, so, you would know I couldn't stand life anymore.
Darling, you were amazing and what we had was something beautiful; something death cannot take away.
And here, I am, staring at the casket where you laid me.
Reminiscing our moments.
Realizing they were greater than the pain,
but I can never go back.
It was too late.
I was too late.
I wish you gave me this eulogy earlier.
But, still, thank you for this.