Why Some Couples Survive, While Others Fail

Sometimes it's hard to figure out why certain long-term relationships last while others don't. At first glance, it may appear as if you've won the cruelest and most terrifying lottery imaginable. There is a common desire on the wedding day of all couples to make things work out, whether it's for the sake of a kid or an extraterrestrial visitor. Then, for reasons that remain a mystery, some of them seem to vanish while others persist.

Breakups can be scary since they appear to be a random event, but it may be good to focus on the true reasons why they happen and work on improving ourselves as a partnership.

As a preliminary step, we must reject certain factors that receive far too much attention as compared to their true probabilities. It's understandable if a couple splits up over the desire for a younger spouse. Another reason is the desire for better sex. Or perhaps they're looking for a more interesting companionship. Or it could be that their interests or political opinions have diverged. Alternatively, things may have become'stale.'

There are many reasons why a relationship can break up, but it's a safe bet to say that nearly no one ever does so because of these typical ones: break-ups are expensive; individuals invest huge sums of money in their relationships; and having children can cause a lot of chaos.

If the couple breaks up, it's because they feel unheard, as though something vital to them was overlooked or if their point of view was not acknowledged and respected on a fundamental level. This non-hearing doesn't matter if the issue of this non-hearing is about money, or how the children are being raised, or how their weekends should be managed, or how intimacy occurs or doesn't occur. It doesn't matter what the subject is.

It's not the presence of differences that is unbearable; it's the feeling of being silenced for our differences.

If a partner doesn't agree with our decisions, we don't end things. Not receiving what we want isn't an issue for us. One of us could put up with a voting partner who differed from our own political views. Anyone who is no longer in their teens or twenties, for example. Or someone who has a lot of irritating acquaintances. Or, perhaps, differing preferences for how they want to spend their vacation time. To be blocked from expressing how frustrating these points of divergence are to us is too lonely and enraging to endure, and that is what we can't stand when we try to express it. It's better to be single than unseen; after all, the unseen are always alone, no matter what their relationship status appears to be.

If our partner doesn't do what we want, there's a great difference between that and them not hearing what we want. If they embrace and show an awareness of how important certain interests are to us, it's possible to stay with someone who doesn't share most of our interests. A person who doesn't desire the same kind of sex as we do (or wants no sex at all) can live with us if we are able to understand things from their perspective and empathize a little. It is possible to be with someone who has different demands for affection as long as they are willing to listen to ours. Partner agreement isn't necessary, but they must show that they can embrace our vision's scope and credibility. More than any amount of anniversary celebrations or therapy sessions, the phrase 'I understand' has the potential to save partnerships that have been together for a long time with a single word.

This thesis holds a lot of promise. We don't need to be particularly gorgeous or wealthy if we want to stay together. Chance isn't all we need. Neither perfect sex nor uncomplicated interests are required.

When the other person has something important to say, we need to be people who listen and who can take things on board, acknowledge opposing viewpoints, and say: "I understand how important this is for you... and I will try my hardest to think about it and see what I can do about it." From this point on, it doesn't matter if things drastically change or not; the crucial work will have been completed regardless of what happens next.

People who are referred to as "defensive" may have a myriad of enticing qualities. However, we should be aware that an open person, no matter how imperfect, is preferable to a defensive person, no matter how accomplished they appear. When it comes to finding a life partner, we should look for someone who has no shame in saying, "I can hear what you are saying and how much this matters to you... I get it..." or, "because I love you, this makes me curious, tell me more..." Because this person will inevitably irritate or frustrate us, we should avoid finding a life partner in this type of person (everyone does). We'll never want to end our relationship with them, that much is certain.