In regard to Gaslighting
If we come into contact with people who want to do us wrong, treat us with contempt, or take advantage of us, we've been unlucky enough. However, this pales in comparison to the colossal misfortune of coming across people who do all of this to us while simultaneously being incredibly excellent at pretending that they aren't; those master manipulators who are at once innocent-appearing and, deep down, terribly cunning. These individuals will not only cause us physical harm, but they will also do something far worse: they will rob us of our understanding of ourselves, strip us of basic trust, and, along the road, they will cause us to lose our brains for a period of time.
Although we are adept at dealing with overt adversaries, many of us are unprepared to recognize those who have infiltrated our intimate lives. We are used to dealing with adversaries at work and are capable of dealing with them there, but the bedroom feels like a sacred space where we can let our guard down. However, this does not rule out the possibility of some very horrible events taking place there. People who have been severely harmed by something in their early lives can be taken up with because they are committed to exacting revenge on anyone who comes too close to them: they may be semi-consciously seeking to exorcise on their partners a latent rage against a deceased or depressed parent, they may want to punish a bullying sibling, or they may want to free themselves from an intolerable sense of vulnerability created by an incident of early abuse.
Such ominous ideas are rarely discussed in a constructive manner. The terms "psycho" and "lunatic" are frequently used in popular culture, but there are fewer patient investigations of how exactly other people's brains might be twisted and how prevalent longings for vengeance may be hidden beneath smiles and politeness than one would hope to find.
When we encounter obstacles, we have two possible justifications to fall back on: the first is to doubt our own abilities; the second is to blame others. The second is to speculate on whether or not the other person is ill, and if so, how. If we almost always choose the former, it is because it is so comforting and reassuring not to take sides on issues that we are passionate about. As a result, it is much simpler for us to believe that we are (as they swiftly tell us) emotionally unstable, prone to rage, over-excited, 'crazy,' and moaning without cause — rather than that we are deeply involved in a relationship with a cruel person.
Those who are most vulnerable to being gaslighted in adult love are, unfortunately, the very persons who were gaslit by their own parents at some point in their lives. Despite the fact that the notion appears even more bizarre, parents are also capable of maintaining their good names and insisting that they are nice, even as they manifest immense hate toward their befuddled child.
It's possible that, despite decades of self-doubt training, we'll have to do something truly remarkable: put our faith in what our misery is telling us about folks we consider to be good. It is not whether or whether they tell us they love us, but how at ease they make us feel that is the true test. Unfortunately, we may have to embrace the fact that the world is populated with some quite dangerous people who, to our inexperienced eyes, appear to be completely harmless. Possibly, we should think a little less negatively of ourselves and a lot more negatively of those charming persons who pretend to love us with great sincerity but who ultimately don't care about us.