Dear John... (Taglish)

I'm thinking of the topic but because I'm upset to the whole universe today, I'm not in the mood to write. Then I suddenly remember @bbyblacksheep story about her stooooppid love, and I took the courage to share my kashungahan and marupok old self.

When I thought that saved me from pain, but hit me 10x harder. We met when we're both broken-hearted. Shoulder to cry on, salitan ng love advices then obviously we started dating. Every relationship starts with a beautiful beginning. Full of love, butterflies everywhere, feeling may forever 🤦‍♀️🤣.

Then, we started to fight petty things. Jealousy, pride. ..that's when the time that I loved him more than myself. Naubos ang self love ko sa taong ito, just because I don't want to get hurt again. I don't know how to handle relationship that time, ako lagi yung aamo kapag pinapairal nya pride nya, shunga nga 🤣.. I slowly get tired... I started to question my self worth, I started to question his love for me, but I can't let him go kasi nga love eh, stoooopid love 🤦‍♀️🤣

I slowly changed from being the best girlfriend to worst one. I nagged him most of the time because of different issues ng mga chismosa sa opisina. "Wala ka bang tiwala? Naniniwala ka sa mga yan". And I'm gonna believe again. Then one time I saw him chatting with one of our officemate. He's inviting her to watch his basketball game that I don't even know. I asked him and we had a huge fight, and ito na naman ang lola nyong akala eh pain proof sya. Sige naniwala ulit. I don't give up easily. It became a habit. Love, anger, forgiveness... As a naive in a relationship, I thought it's normal, it will make every relationship strong, but I was wrong.

His mom doesn't like me at first because she said I'm like a kid. I was 22 and he was 25, I'm 5 ft and he was 5'10..well I really looked like a student back then 😅

He planned going abroad behind my back. Nahuli ko lang sya kaya wala syang choice kundi umamin. He said that sasabihin din nya, kapag sure na. Obviously, naniwala na naman ako 💔 hahaha. I helped him with his finances during his preparation.

During the 1st week of our long distance relationship, we're still okay, but not in constant communication na akala mo hindi uso internet. Feeling ko masusurvive name ang LDR, inintindi ko, wala pa syang laptop, maliit pa sahod nya, may kaltas pa.. Ako pa yung magloload ng P1000 for an IDD call like OMG, sugar mommy??? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 tas kakainin lang ng operator dahil di makaconnect.

Then one time he stopped answering my calls, seen messages in messenger. That's when the drama started. Sending him messages " you don't love me anymore??" 🤮🤮, hahaha. Everytime na tinatanong ako sa office, "kamusta si John, kamusta kayo?"

I always lied " okay lang naman sya dun busy, nagskaskype kami" .

But the truth was, ghosting ang drama. Nauna pa sya mang ghosting kesa kay Gerald Anderson. Why I lied? Because they're going to tease and bully me, I don't want to show them how much I'm hurting.

Yung isang umaga nagising na lang ako na ako na lang pala mag isa. Yung goals and dreams namin as a couple ako na lang pala yung kumakapit. Yung iniwan ka na lang na di mo alam ang rason kung bakit ako iniwan. Nagising na lang ako na ay single na pla ko 😹😹

After a year, he messaged me in messenger "pasensya na if ganito ko sayo, cool off muna tau" like, wtf?? Di pa pala cool off yung 1 year? Ano yon? Practice lang? 😹😹😹 at ofcourse ito na ang ganti ng api, I seenzoned him.

I even saw a girl with 2 kids commenting on his posts. Im crying and hurting alone.

No one knows what's happening to us. Even our close friends. I always lied, "we are okay" actually I got immune to pain. Tinalo ko pa nakainom ng pain killer.

That's my sign na wala na. I told our close friend about what happened. As I was crying, my friend was crying too. I cried hard that day because that's the only time na iniyak ko sa kaibigan namin lahat.

We don't have a closure, after a month, nagpapansin. Ganun siguro talaga, kapag natauhan ka na, saka ka hahabulin. Posting our pictures on his social medias. And my creative director told me " its up to you if babalikan mo, kung mahal mo pa, basta sinasabi ko sayo hindi na magbabago yan"

Actually wala kong balak na balikan na, hello, okay ng magmajor ng pagiging t*anga wag na tayong magmasteral. Maybe he was bored because one time he posted the picture of that girl with kids. One of our IT officer and his friend told me "Kaya naman pala iniwan ka, packaged ang gusto" I just laughed.

We talked for one last time, he wants to see me when he visit PH. I refuse, what's the use? Im moving on already. We only talked via chat, and for the last time I cried my heart out. He said "magsusuicide ako kapag d mo ko napatawad" I replied ", then die"

Buhay pa naman sya til now hahahaha. I was so mad at him that I don't want to hear his name. I was allergic to "John", marinig ko pa lang eh nasisira na araw ko.

Every story has an ending, ours were just the same. And I've learned a lot from those pain and experiences.

No one can heal us but ourselves. Every heartbreak brings lessons to us. Though the process of moving on is hard, it will pass, just stay strong.

I thought I can make this emotional but I almost forgot those moments, i cant remember the pain that much, naalala ko na lang kung gano ko na stooooopid hahaha.