Felix consulted a doctor and as he already expected, all results were fine. His physical health was extraordinarily well by comparison. Mostly due to his heavy exercising routine as a triathlete. But this meant that something else is wrong.
The doctor suggested to visit a psychiatrist. After three weeks he had an appointment with the psychiatrist.
The first meeting with the psychiatrist in March
She was a very nice and charming lady. Her first question was: “How are you?” He replied with: “I am good. Thank you. How are you?”. The conversation continued and he described a little bit about his life. Mentioning with pride his recent promotion, his workout routine and the loving relationship with his wife.
The first session ended with her saying “I don’t believe you. I do believe what you say, but you are not doing well, you are a great actor and lying to yourself. I am here to help. When will we see us again?”
Let’s take a break first
He deemed the help as not needed currently. All he needed was a short break and everything would be fine again. His wife and him would have travelled in April for two weeks. Covid19 made it impossible to take that journey. But as an alternative he suggested to travel around the country with bikes and enjoy the empty roads. Also, many hotels were still open, eagerly waiting for guests and thus good bargains could be made.
They bought two new race bikes, good clothing for the unreliable weather in April and planned a trip around the country. Full of excitement they started. Not even the necessity to join meetings via phone in the evening would trouble their journey. Both re-evaluated their life. One thing they always said was that they would never have children. They wanted to pursue a career. Live their life without any children. But slowly they both started to make jokes about how children would give them a new sense of purpose. Children sound great don’t they?
Lesson 2: Goals are needed, but outcome isn’t everything, it’s the process which is important
One pillar of his life which defined his identity: work - was already crumbling or maybe even gone. Now the next pillar started to shake. The two sporting events he trained the last 8 months for, were officially canceled. Before they were just postponed, and all was still good. The energy of nearly all his leisure time suddenly became obsolete in his mind. He was driven by goals. Chasing always the next step. Having achieved one goal, he didn’t even celebrate it, he immediately moved to the next goal. There is no time to lose! The motto was: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.
It was already difficult to find motivation to train due to the early stages of depression. Now training suddenly became useless in his mind. Why even train? There won’t be any event to attend. Nothing to be excited of.
In a nutshell. Now everything except his relationship with his wife became a burden. Not a good recipe to continue. Especially when they started to fancy the idea of children.
The second meeting and practicing ”experiencing the process”
Eager to prove to his psychiatrist that a break would help wonders with his initial problem, he scheduled a second appointment. Again, it started with a friendly “How are you?” The routine continued, but now he added that it is becoming difficult for him to train.
The psychiatrist explained to him that he should not be too hard on yourself. Goals are important in life. But much more of value is the process. Because this is what you experience before achieving the goal. The goal is something that might even not be achieved and people like him who keep achieving everything and derive self-esteem from achievements, will start to struggle once they would not achieve what they want. That hit close to home.
The psychiatrist suggested to maybe try painting or singing to practice experiencing the process. Felix decided that he could try some painting. Why not? Maybe it would help.
Meanwhile his wife started her own journey into depression due to her increasing workload relating to Covid19.
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