The foundations of emotional intelligence in the family

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3 years ago

Look to yourself first. A family is a system made up of interdependent individuals, but that doesn’t mean you can blame your family of origin for the way you are today, any more than you can hold your mate and children responsible for your personal happiness. Your best hope for fixing any family problem is to attend your own emotional health. When you act on the belief that you have a right and obligation to assert your own emotional needs, your family will notice that your emotional independence benefits not only you, but the whole family, and they may quickly follow your lead.

Remember that consistency builds trust. Studies have shown that lack of consistency destroys trust. Off-and-on emotional awareness will cause those who love and depend on you, especially children, to get confused and frightened. That’s why it’s so important to keep your awareness active with family.

Recognize that being close doesn’t mean being clones. Sometimes family ties blind us to the uniqueness of those we love. Pride in the family continuum can make it easy to forget that. You can’t be expected to have the same talents as your siblings, even though you may look a lot alike; that you won’t necessarily choose to follow in parent’s footsteps; or that you and your spouse should spend all your leisure time joined at the hip just because you’re married.

Remember that knowing people all your life doesn’t mean understanding them. “I knew you when…” doesn’t mean I know you now, no matter how much I’ve always loved you. We all change, and yet each of us seems to only see change in ourselves. How infuriating is it to be introduced as someone’s kid brother when you’re fifty-five, or to be perpetually treated as the airhead you were at fourteen despite the fact that you’re now CEO of your own company. Now that you’ve acquired empathy, you can gently steer your family away from stagnant patterns of interaction by modeling the attention you’d like to receive. When you’re with your family, don’t automatically seek the conversational refuge of talking over old times. Ask what’s new and show that you really care by eliciting details and then listening with your body and mind.

Watch out for destructive emotional memories. Catching your thirty-year-old self responding to a parent in the voice of the five-year-old you can make you feel weak and frustrated. With EQ you don’t need to keep getting snared by emotional memories. Whenever you feel out of control with family—whether it’s kicking yourself for acting like a kid with your parents or agonizing over where the anger you’re dumping on your innocent spouse and children is coming from—take a moment to reflect on the memories that are imposing on your behavior today.

Cherish every stage of life in each family member. No matter how well we understand that it can’t happen, we desperately want Mom and Dad to stay the way they are, and for the kids to stay home forever. The best to accept that fact emotionally, is to embrace change. Accept the natural fear that your parents’ aging evokes but use your emotional awareness and empathy to figure out how you can cherish this moment for its unique qualities. What can you and your parents share now that wasn’t possible in the past? Can you keep having fun and make sure everyone still feels useful and worthy in the family support system, even though roles and responsibilities must be altered?

If you’re not sure what will work, ask. Fully accepting your fear of change can make it easier to broach subjects that you may have considered awkward in the past. Maybe your parents are just waiting for your cue. Feel them out. In a flexible, healthy family dynamic, change is just one of the many opportunities you have to enrich one another

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