The old saying "small child small care, big child big care" is true only if in the first years of the child's life, we do not set things in the right way, ie if in the period when the child is formed we do not meet his primary emotional needs. If we learn what is most important for a child to get from us, and if we give it to him, he will grow into a teenager, and then into a man who is confident, emotionally stable, self-aware and successful ...
Nowadays, more and more parents are consciously dealing with their role, learning about parenting and how the child's psyche works, all in an effort to give their children the best. Parents apply techniques and methods that until recently were considered effective because they change the child's behavior for the better. They often condition the child by promising gifts, offering rewards for certain behavior, or on the other hand - punishing for behavior that is not acceptable to them. Such an approach to parenting was born of the behavioral school, which has slowly become obsolete in recent years. In recent times, more and more attention has been paid to the developmental approach to parenting, which puts the child and his primary needs at the center.
In accordance with instincts
The developmental approach originated from several scientific disciplines such as developmental and clinical psychology, psychotherapy, and is supported by scientific research that studies the work of neurons (a science that is called neuroscience in the world). The principles of this kind of parenting are identical to those that still exist in primitive societies (such as African tribes) in which an instinctive, natural approach is still nurtured.
"Methods and techniques aimed at raising a child have not proved to be optimal for the child's development. Although they change the child's behavior, they often leave deeper consequences, ie affect the relationship between parents and children, disrupt their connection, which is a basic prerequisite for healthy development. When it was realized that parenting techniques and methods create a different kind of problem, the idea arose that the solution is to love children very much, but there is often a disproportion between what parents describe as great love for children and what those children perceive As adults, they often testify that they missed a lot of things and resent their parents who claim that they gave them everything they could and knew, so it does not mean that a great love for children guarantees successful and easy parenting, all the more so as the term is very stretchy. "
Connection with the parent
The key to successful parenting is to build a quality relationship with the child full of trust, ie. to give the child a feeling that he is safe and protected, that we will never let him down and that we will love him and be with him no matter how naughty and disobedient it may be. Intimacy with a parent is essential for a child's healthy emotional development.
"It is important for a child to know that whatever he or she says or does will not jeopardize the relationship he has with his parent, that closeness to the parent is something he should not deserve, but something that is inviolable and that the child deserved by his very birth, that we will to be by his side even when he makes a big mistake, that we will not reject him even when we do not agree with him, that we will always stand behind him and support him. relationships, it is normal for him to be willingly obedient, (except around the age of two, in which it is natural for a child to constantly push against), and not out of fear of punishment, and with him parenting is much easier. "
Setting boundaries
Such an approach does not mean that we will approve of every child's behavior and that we will please him, but it means that we deeply sympathize with the child and accept the emotions from which a certain behavior springs. The behavioral approach involves modeling the child with rewards and punishments, praise or criticism, and the developed approach to parenting assumes that the child's behavior is conditioned by his emotions and instincts over which he does not yet have power, but behaves reactively (automatically).
"A small child does not have the capacity to choose his reactions when a certain emotion is raised. He does not understand the cause-and-effect connections, ie the parts of the brain that provide this ability are just developing. We can achieve a change in a child's behavior not by insulting the child, but by approaching the emotions that drive that behavior. This approach views behavior as a symptom and consequence of activated emotions in the child, is interested in what prompted the child to such reactive behavior, and seeks to change the causes of such behavior. "
Acceptance of negative emotions
If a three-year-old hits his sister who is still a baby, a parent who advocates a behavioral approach will read the lesson to the child in a sharp tone and with various threats, and thus make sure that he never does it again. The child will then feel fear, shame, suppress anger and will eventually feel rejected and insecure, even though he will change his behavior. This does not mean that he will accept his sister and that by changing his behavior, he will stop feeling jealous and angry because all the parental attention is no longer focused only on him.
On the other hand, a parent who is familiar with the approach of natural parenting, who understands where a certain behavior comes from, will take a completely different position in such a situation. He will understand that the child feels that his connection with his parents is endangered by the appearance of his sister, and that the instinct of preserving such a connection is activated. At the beginning, the child cannot have positive emotions towards the baby, and the only thing he feels are insecurity and jealousy.
"The blow will be understood by the parent as an expression of the child's extreme inability to solve the unwanted situation and he will see that the child needs confirmation that the newborn baby will not spoil their relationship. It will give the child the opportunity to express his fear and anger and possible hatred. Holding the connection firmly by looking into the eyes, a gentle voice and a warm touch will help the child to go through frustration and anger at the baby, introducing him to sadness and tears. from now on he has to share his parents with the new baby ".
By expressing, instead of suppressing his emotions, the child will deepen the relationship with his parents, and at the same time he will have a sense of his own worth and self-esteem, instead of feeling ashamed and guilty. The end result will be the acceptance of the younger sister.
It is important to emphasize that each child is a story for himself and that we should harmonize our behavior towards the child with the child's age, temperament and sensibility. That is why it is important to get to know our child and his needs well, to build a relationship of trust and closeness, because that will help him develop into a self-conscious and happy person.
