Have you ever experienced suddenly drifting away with your closest friend? We all have our fair share of drama regarding friendship but let me tell you mine.
This story was eating away at my very person until now and I hope that by speaking my mind to different audience would at least lessen the guilt that's weighing me for the longest time.
Stepping into a new environment is a real challenge to us, that place is called school. Whilst everything around us is new, we tried our hardest to adapt and that's when we build bonds with our classmates. Two years of friendship in college all ended just because of a misunderstanding. We tried to patch things up after we fought (more like a cold war because we started not talking to each other) but we're both too awkward to leave the problem behind. It was not reconciled, we did nothing, we just started not talking. I was the gloomy kid so no one particularly made an effort to get closer to me. Of course I tried to be friendly with them but what's the use when they won't meet you halfway? I am not that desperate to have someone beside me at all times so I distanced myself and silently wallowed in self pity.
After our friendship was over, I noticed how people also stopped approaching me. That's when I realized, "Oh, it was because of her that people are even talking to me". That was very painful to me at that time. That phase was my darkest during my college days. I started not attending my classes partly because we were classmates majority of the sessions. Yeah, we were together during enrollment that's why we have the same sched haha.
I am painted with envy, I was bitter, angry, and sad, at some point, I even wished to have the charisma surrounding her. At the same time, I'm pained to see that she was doing fine with a new set of friends while I seemed to be the only one petty for dwelling on the past. It was also awkward talking to her during group activities so I just kept quiet, casted down my eyes, and did my part without much interaction.
At that time, I really wanted to quit because there was no one I could speak with. I'm the type of person who felt good after sharing my thoughts so I was crazed with the negativity and the piling burdens inside of me.
Going back, due to poor eyesight, (I don't have money to buy glasses) I can't seat at the very back of the class that's why I opted to be at the corners of the middle row. They thought I was the silent kid but I am the otherwise. I am a talkative person at the right person. It would be really weird if I suddenly approached them in a zealous manner when I am barely acquainted to them so I just smile and give a curt reply whenever they comment on how silent I was.
Thankfully the semester ended with me not failing but barely passing. Then here comes the new semester and there comes my blessings.
I only met her during my maths, she was my seatmate, but we were not close enough to say hi. We only have a decent conversation during the grade giving. After seeing that we have the same barely passing grade, we laughed at our own foolishness. We both are not that good in math :))
After that, we both are in the same classes for our major subjects. When someone teases me (more like saying hurtful things), she always defend me. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder "how can she be that sincerely kind? How was she able to help a total stranger? How can she be a fighter and at the same time, friendly? How was she able to bear with the gloomy me?" Those are some parts that I love about her. She always has my back, she always want my happiness, she always make sure I was not left behind, she made me feel that I'm not alone, she was the bridge that encouraged me to take a chance once again. I almost gave up on other people but she made me realize lots of things. What made our friendship strong is that we both have the same mindset. Mildly pure and mostly malice, just kidding.
I want to be the same person like her so I took another shot and restarted to kindle ties. Unfortunately, I was late for one semester so the moment didn't last long. We were once again on different classes. Fortunately, I made other close friends when I was with her, it was a boy and a girl. They were so goofy that I was always having a blast because of them. I didn't expect to be close with them but I was glad I was able to enter their life. Then come a surprise, I befriended the miss friendly of the whole batch, I am not aware how but it just happened.
The first, I learned pain and lost my self
The second I regained my confidence and started to look ahead in life
The third made me realize to take things easy, to loosen up (not laze around the class but kinda)
The forth brought me laughter's
The most important things is that I also learned that there are always someone who will support me even if they are not around. They are the people who I befriended along the way and I cannot find the right words to express my gratitude. I am thankful to all of them. I cannot mention them one by one because they are another set of beautiful memories to be told for another time :))
I hope with this, I can finally face everyone without any negative thoughts. May it be guilt, pain, regret, sadness. I also hope that someday, I can be that one friend that they would lean on similar to how they gave me strength unknowingly.
Writing in joy, EvilWillow 🤗
