It Was a Crime to Love as a Child

I know that no word can deter someone who wants to go, but hope is the biggest helper of people in this life. A person is trying to do something, to find a way, to deter the person who wants to go, knowing that it is not possible.

Okay, she's so far away from me now, but the distance between us is only a phone call or a letter. I call her but she doesn't answer my calls, she doesn't respond to my messages. I don't even know if you read my messages or not. I wanted to do something permanent. I didn't like her for just a text message. I loved her so much that I wanted to talk about it for a long time. Even if she didn't make the decision to return, she should have realized this fact. I had to get over it completely.

One letter... I wrote many pages, perhaps too many to fit in an envelope. I threw the letter in the trash after I wrote 7 pages, thinking it wouldn't read. Why did I write this letter? What was the reason I write such a long letter? How can it be a pain to have a man write a 7 page letter? I realized that it wasn't pain that made me write this letter. So what was it?

I bought a new piece of paper and wrote "Maybe everything is on the back of this paper" on the front. I didn't write anything else, I put it on that paper and envelope and mailed it to her.

That's life, sometimes it's not enough to fix things. Sometimes it may be necessary to start all over again.

It was when I was just starting primary school. On the second day of school, I said “I love you” to one of the girls. I loved her as much as a 7-year-old can love her. Actually, I've heard that in a movie before. I was too young to understand exactly what that sentence meant. If I could understand the meaning of this sentence, I probably wouldn't be able to construct that sentence so easily.

The girl complained about me to the teacher. I guess she didn't quite understand the meaning of that sentence either. The teacher put me in front of the chalkboard and said in front of all my friends that I couldn't love that girl because she was my friend. I don't think the teacher knew what he was saying either. I thought why can't a person love his friend when I was punished for loving on one leg in front of the board. Moreover, the girl's grandmother came to the school. The girl's grandmother looked at me with hateful eyes. She treated everyone as if I had committed a grave misdemeanor, but I was perfectly comfortable. However, after that day, I decided never to say “I love you” to anyone again. Maybe, I was going to write this sentence, but no one would ever hear from me again. This had been my decision. I was angry. frankly. “What is this? Why do you come over me so much just because I said I love you? Let your daughter be yours, she's ugly anyway,” I said to myself.

After a while, I fell in love with another girl. Moreover, this girl was much more beautiful. She had golden blond hair and large grass green eyes. I loved her until the fifth grade, but I never told her. A person cannot love his friend. I'm not saying that, that's how they taught it. In my opinion, school is a place that steals time from one's life. How sincere can a place where love is not taught?

I kept on loving but I never said it. That sentence remained as a sentence I heard in movies. I always scribbled over that sentence in the books I read.

If I love again today, I will be silent again, I will not tell. Phrases like this only happen in movies. If we meet in a movie one day then I will tell you that I love you. And not only do I say it, I kiss you like a poet who has returned to his homeland kisses the land of his homeland.

I kiss you so much that you understand what it's like to love. You know if love is just about movies? I love you so much that the moments when I stood on one leg in front of the board in elementary school die. You live, I love. I don't care if movies have happy endings or not. My love never ends, it starts again every time I kiss you. always again…

That's what I was talking about in that 7-page letter to her. I was talking about how I loved her but why I never told her. Unfortunately she will never read this letter and I will never be able to kiss her again. I'm still on one leg. This time, I am neither 7 years old nor in front of the school board. I'm a big man who suffers from wounds inflicted in the past.

Forget it all. I know what to do. I'm sitting here crying and whining. There is no need to call, text or write letters. I have to jump in my car and go to where she lives. I should knock on his door directly. And when she opens that door, I have to stick to her lips without saying a word.

Yes, that's what I should be doing. It will come back somehow. And maybe those magic words will come out of my mouth "I love you"