I felt cold as I held the cold metal handle of the ICU’s door. My mother has been calling me for days now. I can’t stand her begging so I just decided to agree a visit in the hospital.
“Vangie” Mom’s face lit up when she saw me entering the room. I sighed, hugged her, and asked if she’s doing alright.
“Yes, I’m fine” she answered then looked at the person lying on the hospital bed. I didn’t tear my eyes from my mother when I noticed how she aged a lot than the last time we saw each other.
“Van…gie…” a weak voice from the person lying on the bed, calling my name but I still didn’t take a glance.
My heart aches so much and all I wanted to do is to just run away. From everything. From him.
It’s been ages. I did everything to forget but hearing him now calling my name in a weak manner makes all my efforts go in vain.
I tried to forget. But the more I pushed it away, the more memories came rushing in. I can’t just totally forget everything. I can still remember…
“Evangeline!” my mother’s voice echoed as she screamed my name. Instead of answering, I put on my earphones and turned the volumes up.
She immediately stormed into my room. “Vangie! I said, dinner’s ready!”
I remove my earphones to answer. “I’m full.” I lied and continued being busy with my computer. I saw her sighed but didn’t utter any words and just left.
I enjoyed myself watching some movies online that if my stomach didn’t grunt I would really forget that I was hungry. Looking at my wall clock, it’s past 10 pm already. I’m pretty sure that no one’s in the kitchen already so I went out of my room.
I vigorously took a bite in my peanut butter sandwich as I continued to make two more sandwiches. It’ll do for dinner.
“Is that what the school taught you?”
I panicked when I heard that voice but I instantly put on my façade. I act like I didn’t hear anything and just continue putting butter on my sandwich.
A hand snatched the plate of my sandwich and it immediately broke into pieces as it landed on the floor.
“If I knew that you would grow up like this, I should have killed you before!” his voice thundered throughout the kitchen. His eyes were red and he’s fuming mad.
I trembled from the insides. I know that if he would hurt me now I can’t defend myself. We heard running steps as my mother appeared on our sight.
“What happened?”
“Knack some sense in that worthless child of yours! If she doesn't want a father anymore then better leave my house.” He said then leave.
My mother heave a sigh and looked at me with tired eyes. I just shrugged and marched back to my room like nothing happened.
“Don’t disrespect your father like that. He’s still your father” my mother said as she follows me to my room. She scolded me but I didn’t say a word. Rather choose to shut my mouth than say anything.
Silence is also an answer after all.
I know I was hurting my mother but what can I do?
I recalled my father’s last statement a while ago. Leave the house huh?
I laugh without humour as I watch the busy street outside my window. I’d love to leave this house, but it only means that my mother would be left behind. I don’t want to leave my mother. I am an only child so I was the only one who could take care of her. And she’s also sick.
A searing pain stabbed my heart at the thought of my mother. How can everything turn into this anyway?
When morning came I received an invitation from Elvis, one of my friends. He arranges a pool party in their house with only us, his friends, are invited. I look forward to it rather than staying here in my room for the whole day.
I put on my pink bikini before wearing a shirt and a short. I heard some noises in our front yard as I went out of my room. It’s probably my father’s friends and his co-workmates.
I went down to the kitchen carefully so that no one would notice me. I saw my mother preparing food for the guests. She eyed me from head to toe and asked if I will be going somewhere.
“Just in Elvis’s. I’ll be with Tricia and the others” I answered after drinking a glass of water. Mom knew most of my friends so she didn’t make it a big deal anymore besides, Elvis house was just a few blocks from ours.
I don’t have a plan on going out of the house using the front door so I used the door at the back. I’ve done it so many times before, every time I wanted to go out of the house without my father’s knowledge. There’s a huge tree in our backyard which helps me to escape.
I snorted when I heard my father talk about me to his friends. I even heard my Ninong laugh heartily upon hearing a story about me. He talks about how proud he is of me like he just didn’t say that I was useless last night.
I walked my way to Elvis house. All of our friends were already there when I arrived.
“Late as always!” Patricia, my best friend, beamed at me. I smirked at her.
“Sorry Babe, I’m only pretty but not perfect”
Everyone groaned upon hearing that and I just laugh at their reactions. I greeted everyone with a hug, including the boys. They are already used to me being like this and we’ve been friends for a decade now so no one really puts a malice on it.
We are 10 in total here. Shan, Elvis and Tricia were grilling something beside the pool. While Kimmy, Suzy, Mikey and Nick was playing water volley ball together with our two gay friends Alfred and John.
I help the three in grilling—most likely help eating the food they grilled. Aunt Selly brought us some drinks and fruit shakes. I greeted her and kissed her cheeks. We’ve been friends for a long time that our parents already knew each and every one of us.
When the grilling was all done, we joined them in the pool and we played till our heart’s content. I can really feel the Christmas break when I was having fun like this.
“What would you take for college?” Alfred, but we sometimes call him Freda, asked no one in particular. That question was for everyone.
“My mom wants me to pursue Engineering” John answered first. I pursed my lips upon seeing him tie his black one piece bikini. He even put some foam on it so it would look like he had some boobs.
“Business” Patricia answered.
“Business too” Suzy.
“Business three” Nick.
Everyone answered. I was happy hearing them about their dream courses but I also feel a hole in my heart. We are all going to be a college in the next school year. College means busy life, and busy life means less time with friends.
“How ‘bout you, Van?” Freda asked when he realized that it was only me who didn’t answer.
I shrugged. “Architecture maybe? Or something related to arts and design.”
“Ooh! So you won’t follow your father’s footsteps?” he teased. I just rolled my eyes heavenwards. They all laugh at my reaction. They knew well that I really hate it when they mention my father.
“You still mad at him? Jesus, you hold grudges so much” Elvis said as he handed me the beer he opened.
“How long has it been since you fought with him?” Tricia asked while looking up to remember the answer to her question.
“What do you expect? Vangie loves her pride so much!” John said while laughing.
I laughed with them too but I didn’t say a word.
“What’s the reason for it again?” Nick asked.
“Oh, I still remember it! Tito scolded her real bad when she didn’t come home earlier than her curfew” Suzy laughed and so as everyone.
“Gosh! You’re a rebel” said Mikey.
I looked at them all with a smile and just shrugged. Everyone thinks it’s because of my pride. That I am rebellious. That I am a bad daughter.
Ofcourse, anyone would think that way if they didn’t know anything. And I just stayed silent. As always.
It was already dark when we decided to go home. The moment I went inside my room I immediately found my notebook in my pile of clothes. It’s just a small blueberry notebook. When I found it I started writing down the things I wanted to say to my friends. Things I wanted to say to the world.
And the moment I finished writing is also the moment I burst into tears. The things I wanted to say we're just written in this small notebook because I don’t have the courage to tell them.
A sob came out of my mouth and I immediately covered myself with a comforter. Suppressing another sob and hoping that my mother won’t hear it from the other room. My heart felt so heavy.
Yes, I was always silent regarding that matter. But my silence already spoke a thousand words yet no one hears them.
Yes, I am a bad child. But I was a good daughter to my mother. Isn’t it nice to be bad in order to be good? I don’t know any other way to protect my mother but this. And no one would really understand that even my mother herself.
Yes, my pride is as tall as Olympus Mons of Mars. Because it is all that I have. If I would lose even that sense of pride then I would probably lose my mind.
I stayed silent not because I was guilty or because I don’t have anything to say, but because I think they aren’t ready to hear my thoughts.
I loved my father so much. I was a daddy’s girl. He is my hero. I was his princess but I never thought that it would turn out this way. I look up to him so much. He’s a respectable police officer. A good father and a faithful husband. People respect him so much because he’s a good man.
That’s why I really can’t just forgive what he did.
I was 13 years old when I noticed something. We are so close but everything started to be uncomfortable. A father will never make his daughter uncomfortable. I even cursed myself for thinking that way. There’s no way my father would do things that would make me uncomfortable.
15 years old when I caught him stealing secret glances at me. I even caught him hiding in a curtain while looking at me. Many times. I act like I didn’t know or saw anything but I started to get terrified. I develop nightmares and that creep feeling like someone is always looking at you even if you’re alone.
16 years old, when I caught him getting out of my room one afternoon. He’s in his uniform, maybe preparing for work. I went cold thinking what he did in my room. Still, I pay respect and act normal. I have always been respecting him despite the feeling that his actions brought me. But when I saw how my underwear was disheveled, I just broke down for the first time. He’s making my accusations of him true.
I develop depression and my anxiety gets worse every time he’s around. I became cold towards him. I always denied his ‘father and daughter date’ invitations. He became a different person to me. Still, I never disrespect him.
17 years old when I got fed up. I went home late that time because I was celebrating my friend’s birthday. I get more than a scolding from him. He slapped me while saying how disrespectful I am.
I have always been respecting him despite the things he has done. I may be cold sometimes but I never disrespect him the way he accuses me. Then I realized that respect doesn't work that way. Respect is only for those who deserve it, not for those who demand it.
He demands for my respect when he can’t even respect me. I’m his own daughter yet he didn’t respect me even just for the title. Even just for being the daughter of his wife.
He broke my heart into pieces. And every piece of my broken heart continues breaking whenever I think of my mother.
I was terrified. I don’t feel safe. I wanted to tell my mother about it but I’m afraid she will be hurt. Or that he can easily turn the situation upside down since I don’t have any evidence. He’s a police officer. People knew him as a great man. No one would believe me. I don’t have proof.
The fear he gave me was my only evidence. Isn’t that enough?
Once upon a time, he was my King. Now, he turns into something I never expected. I feel betrayed. And the saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies, but instead it comes from those you trust the most.
I keep everything to myself. I was battling my demons alone. He broke me. He broke my trust. He ruined the image of a fairy tale he built in me. I may smile and act so carefree that people know me envy, but they will never understand my pain. And will never understand. Because sometimes, it’s not always the tears that measure the pain, but the smile we fake.
I stopped believing in fairy tales. I defined it now as a ‘Painful memory’.
“Forgive me…my princess…” he said weakly followed by a long beeping sound of the monitor.
And just like that. My tears flow like I’ve never cried before. I turn my back on him and run out of the room. I didn’t listen to my mother’s call.
I realized that I resented him so much. For years I hated the fact that he’s my father and blamed him for everything. I never build a family thinking that my daughter would also experience what I have experienced, and just indulge myself to work all because of him. He scarred my heart so much. And I learned that the person who can hurt us the most is the person we trust the most. The younger me trusted him so much, but he also hurt me so much.
Why do people only ask for forgiveness when they are on their deathbed? To be accepted in heaven? To die with a peace of mind?
I watched wearily the busy street outside the hospital. Today’s Christmas. They say that Christmas is the day of forgiveness.
I sighed and watched the beautiful fireworks display. I wiped the last evidence of tears in my face and smiled at the sky. I’m tired of crying over and over about this matter. But I guess it is true that even if you already cried everything, the pain will always be there. I can’t do anything to remove that pain. But then maybe I get tired of feeling this pain. I feel so done. Not mad. Not upset. Just simply done.
Maybe through the years of hating him, I’ve also unknowingly forgiven him. And now that he asks for forgiveness, I don’t know what to feel anymore. But after everything, I think this is the first Christmas that my heart is at ease. Maybe it was the true spirit of Christmas. Learning to forgive the people who hurt you, with or without their apology. And learning to accept and live with the pain.
