Running Away
Hi everyone, welcome back here in readcash. I've been out for so looooooooooooooooooooooooong because you know I lost my habit in writing. I was very busy my thoughts are preoccupied with the things around me but I came to realized that nothing has change with my life three years ago.
So,here I am now reflecting myself as if I am starting all over again. In past years I don't have any direction with my life like I just think that I just wanna ride with the flow in life but with that as days, months and even years passes by i am slowly realizing and finding myself again.
It's really regretful and heartbreaking as I look back what I have done with myself. I've lowered my standards, I've sacrificed my peace, i betrayed myself by changing who I am. I see that myself struggled so much before. I ignored some of the people that goes on my way. I followed the betrayal I made with myself.
***And then here I am now regretting with everything I had gone through in the past years.***
And why I entitled this as "*running away"* because right now I am in a stage where I am hurriedly picking up the lessons I have learned as well as the realizations as if i am a child who is quickly picking and keeping his\her toys because his\her mother is on the way. It is true that betrayal has an end and this is it this time. I found already the courage to run away, to leave of the place that suffocates me. I am now escaping and realizing that I want to go home to the place where I was been born to the place where I'd dream a lot.
I've come to far already upon realizing and that's what makes me regretful. I've lost who I am. I am in a pace where I am questioning my worth , I've lost my confidence and even my faith. I've lowered my self-esteem and i am drowning myself with undesirable thoughts.
I forgot how an empowered woman I was before and here I am right now I am following this little light that I see within.
I will be using the strength that I am still building for now and I am thankful at least I found a little courage to run away for my comfort and peace.
***Believe that one day you will be fine, totally healed and peaceful.***
You will always have a special place in our hearts,bro.
To you my dearest brother,
***Bro, I will always have a heavy heart thinking that I may not be able to see you all my life💔.***
*It's been just a little time we did spent together. As I look back with the moments since you were young I can do nothing but to weep.*
*Your laughter over small things, your cry and even when your sorry and your comfort, I still felt it . You are a special baby , you don't know how to talk with your pains,your needs and wants and everyday as I see you I felt sorry for you always for being like that, but despite of that when I am carrying so much burden I can still feel your comfort , I can still see the joy in your eyes if i have something for you when i go home. I can feel when you are angry when i didn't give you what you want. I can no longer let you feel those little things that makes you happy. Those things that can let your heart smile while you are living differently💔.*
*In your existence in this world you are living differently from us because of your situation and I know even if you don't have the capacity to think like a normal child has ,I know that deep inside you, you questioned why you are like that,why are you living in that way and why you are the one who suffered💔. The love and the care that I showed you was not yet enough to let you feel that the world is a nice place to live and that you are loved so much.*
***Looking back at those moments, it's very hard to accept and move on. You are gone to soon. You leave us too early and I can't even see you go💔💔💔.***
*I am sorry my forever baby brother💔. I know you understand how hard life is. Time and Fate is very playful.The burden you are carrying has been added with suffering and just thinking of that I can't stop to shred tears💔.It's hard💔.*
*I am so much in pain and guilt my bro, I was not able to hear your voice and I was not there while you are suffering. I can no longer see you for the rest of my life💔. There's no baby brother anymore that is excited and that will be following me wherever corner of the house I will be. I can no longer hear your voice calling my name jokingly . Calling my name and I respond with the thought that you need something but you just laugh at me as you successfully prank me.I now realized you were already a prankster before it was been a trend.*
*Bro, I may not be able to see you again but deep in my heart and mind you have a special place in it. I will never forget you and I will continue to share how wonderful sibling you are even though you did not live normally. I will be missing you so much and as for my broken heart it may takes time to heal but i will endure this than to see you suffer physically. Bro, you are now free from sufferings. I'm sorry for not being there as you go afar from this world. I am sorry for not being there until the end. I wanted to go home but the fate did not give me time and the chance to see you go for the last time. It's very painful baby bro💔. I know you will understand💔.*
*You may not see ,read and understand this letter but I know your angels will.*
***Bro,come to ate's dream,let me see you smiling as you go 💔💔💔.***
***My bro, I prayed that wherever you are now ,you are guided with your angels. May your soul rest in heaven peacefully. Guide us bro in all our battles. You are now our angel.***
You are alive, but are you living?
Hi, everyone in read cash. I'm back! 🥰
I was not here for so long. I was so busy with my life back then and now I got the chance to look back on those days and reflects on my everyday life. Anyway ,I can say that it's very hard when our mind gets tired. From thinking our future, our everyday struggles and the environment we had, the positive and negative thoughts and it's very tiring. I keep on asking why some people or even me manages to smile though they are fighting so much within them. There's a feeling of so much tiredness but then again another day will pass and still the same. We are suffering 😪.
We are alive, but are we living ? Are we living peacefully without any bother with our own thoughts? Can we sleep with our happy hearts💞 even just for a little time?.Stressed and depression are slowly feeding our minds with negative thoughts. And so we keep on overthinking. Our life was greatly influenced by unwanted thoughts, and so we are been deprived with happiness.
Failures, pain, broken heart, and other sufferings will lead us to be unmotivated. With that we always get that feeling of tiredness. We get stressed over small matters .
In my life, oftentimes I am always thinking of the possibilities, the results of my decisions and the actions that I will make. I am still weak to accept criticism and failure. And so I am so much bothered by my own thoughts. Every night As i go to sleep there's no single night that I would think of where and How my life would be going?.
I think I am not in a peaceful state of mind and I am depriving myself of happiness by overthinking. In search of peace of mind I decided to go to a place which is new to me and I am on the process of living what we call "go with the flow". We cannot forced things to happen according to our will. All I have within myself right now is learning to be grateful because no matter what I found people with good minds and spirit, kind at heart and above all God centered.
***I am on the process of adjusting to new environment I choose to discover.***
Do I have to regret choosing you?
Life is never been that easy, you wake early one morning thinking everything is alright but it is just a deceiving memory. In our day to day life we made thousands of failures ,hundreds of wrong decisions and countless of stupid mistakes. We cannot change what has been done, what has been decided and above all the results of those decisions.
We encountered beautiful and bad experiences, happy and sad moments. In our happiest times sometimes we can say to ourselves that we'll no longer regret the decision that we ever made, the decision that made us happy, but in just a little twist of fate those happiest moments that you ever thought will be your biggest regrets.
Regrets that could somehow destroy your inner peace and could lead up to questioning yourself.
In my life it is proven and tested that regrets comes always at the end. How many times I swear to myself that i will never regrets the decision I made but in the end it is always a failure because I also keep regretting it.
At now in my present times, I did choose someone to be part of my life. It happened that we are in the same company and that I am newly hired. At first look in his eyes i did felt the spark that I was not able to felt before, I did just ignore it because I know we didn't know each other yet and so I keep those hidden feelings i have within. Everytime we look at each other's eyes as if i have those butterflies in my stomach, until such then it was valentine's day when he happened to message me and ask me for a date I just replied him a jokes because I know also he was just kidding and after that there's no more conversation at all and sad to know he was been assigned to other branch. I felt that my heart is heavy and that I will miss him but as time passed by,fate is such playful we are assigned at the other branch where he assigned to ,there he started to court me. After a month of courting I finally said yes. I accepted him because I thought he's someone I can hold on to, someone that would be in my side when i have problems, someone that is my comfort and someone who can fill the emptiness I am feeling for a longer time.
But, I think I got it wrong or should I say I am regretting now. I regret because as time passed by I felt unappreciated. I felt I am not enough at all and that this made me question my worth.I think that he's just good at the beggining. Should I let him go knowing that it would hurt me so much and should I continue even if I don't have any peace of my mind at all?.
To love and be loved is somewhat bothersome. As what they said , if you enter in a relationship you should be ready to accept the consequences of being hurt.
***Do i have to regret choosing him to be part of my life?***
Reminscing my Childhood Life.
Looking back to the days when I was a kid. I was now at my point where I can say I was not able to enjoy those childhood days of mine, why I said so?It's because we are living afar from what we called neighbor. Yes that's a simple and very silly reason but I think having able to socialize with many people and to the kids will build you as you grow up. It will make you enjoy your childhood days, laugh as hard as you can and play until sunset .
It is not been that clear to my memories my younger years but all I have remembered clearly is the words coming from my father.When I was at the age of 5 my mother did already teach me how to write. There was one time that my father is teaching me and he sees I am a fast learner. He then told me to do good in school and that ***I am his only hope*****.** *I am his hope for our family to be lift from the eyes of those who is very eager to insult the lives of the one who is below in their standards of living.Yes,as if I am his last knight to save the king in the game Chess.*Hearing those words was like my world stops and as if those were written deeply and clearly in my heart and mind.
When I started schooling , those words just automatically pop-up in my head as if they are always reminding me to do well in class and that there is this responsibility I am carrying in my shoulder,the *Hope* of my father.
As time goes by ,yes I did not failed my father, I belong to the top of the class and with that I think I did fullfilled what he wants, As I grow I studied so hard I worried that someone will replace my rank in class that I forgot I was a kid who also loves to play, to be called my attention with the teacher because of being talkative,to be punished of being naughty. I was not able to experience those. I was once a shy ,behave and silent mode girl. I was too excited to grow up that I forgot to enjoy the life of being a little one. Is this a regret what I am feeling right now? Well, a little regret but I am still thankful who I became today though I did not enjoy my childhood life.
Moving forward I grew up to be a woman with bravery, trust in myself ,courage and standards that as a woman I know how worthy I am and that no one is allowed to broke into my peaceful well being.I am so blessed to be a woman I am today.
I think that would be in my childhood,I just share what i felt and the principles of life I was with when I was a kid.
In life, `we grow better not just by how our parents raised us, sometimes it is how the people treat us and the bitter words that made a difference in our lives.`
Care to know who I am?
Hi everyone in Read Cash. Well ,before everything I personally welcome myself here because no one else does🤗.
My name is Jane . Leaving the life of 23 and preparing my life @24 . I am a licensed holder with my profession but I am not employed with the profession I am holding with, in other words I am in the process of waiting without knowing when it would be. My name is just simply a four letters in the alphabet and along with it is my simple personality.
I am a woman with many dreams and goals but 🙄 ,you may know it as I move forward in writing here😁if you're interested to know it also.I am a good listener who loves to listen stories especially the lives of other people because I can get some realizations about it and I can also apply it to myself. Traveling to different places is one of my hobbies and as a sort of stress debriefing.
I have a hard time socializing with people but I can get along with them as time passes by when they know me and when i also know them. I worry a lot and yes I am also an overthinker woman. I am now at the stage where I already learned selfcare and selflove because no one in this world can give enough with that to ourselves. And as I go with my journey this readcash account of mine will serve as my anecdotal record with everything i have discovered, explored, happy and sad moments.
Why i am here because i just want to write my reflections and lesson i have learned in my life, to share what did i go through , the battles i am battling with ,and maybe some other😆.
Well, let me just end it here, it's my first time writing here and I apologize I am not good at narrating and introducing myself. I hope as I go along I also learn a lot here.
In my life, ***I compare myself to a stone, I may not hard and brilliant just like a diamond, but I am strong enough to fight and win those battles in my life.***
@Enaj
