It’s difficult enough knowing how to help someone in a crisis that isn’t of their own making—a cancer diagnosis, the unfaithfulness of a partner, a layoff, the death of a loved one. But when the person in question is part of the problem—whether it be addiction, criminal offenses, immoral behavior, or a negative life pattern—we find ourselves at a loss.
How do we support without enabling? How can we fulfill our role as a trusted friend or family member and, at the same time, guide them toward a different path? Is that even part of our job? How do we know if we are helping or simply making the problem worse? And how do we keep ourselves mentally healthy in the process?
“You’d be surprised at the number of people who have absolutely no idea where to begin,” says Steve Wildsmith, a recovering addict who has been clean since 2002 and now works at Cornerstone of Recovery, an addiction rehabilitation center near Knoxville, Tennessee.
Those struggling with addiction or other negative life behaviors typically live in denial, which makes dealing with the situation challenging from the outset, he says.
“If a friend or family member has cancer, you’re not dealing with someone who says, ‘I don’t have cancer,’” says Wildsmith. In contrast, people in the middle of addiciton or negative choices rarely admit the problem. And how can you help them solve a problem they don’t think they have?
The long-term nature of dealing with a family member or friend struggling with some type of dysfunction also represents part of its challenge.
“The role when dealing with addiction or poor choices tends to be more long-term, whereas dealing with a death or illness is often experienced as short-term, relatively speaking,” says Jennifer Gless, a marriage and family therapist who practices in San Bernardino, California. Also, she says, “When someone is dealing with a death or illness, we tend to tolerate more ‘negative’ behavior because at some point the grieving will subside, or if someone is sick, they will get better, etc. This is not necessarily true of addiction or someone who has difficulty with choice-making.”