There is None like my God.

"And if one day, I make it, Lord it was You, not me."

(Note: There's a beautiful song waiting at the end of this piece.)

I've seen this quotes multiple times, and it still has a lingering impact to me. When life gets too tough, I tend to forget that I am still blessed, loved, and heard. It's difficult to be grateful, especially when life does nothing but throw rocks and weapons at you.

I had my own sessions of breakdowns, and a lots of moments I almost gave up. I also had lots of times I doubted myself, to the point that I considered self-doubt as an innate quality of mine. As someone who was not born privileged, who got through lots of secret battles, I am no stranger to secret emotional struggles, coupled with a strong fear of failure and fear of disappointing my loved ones. I felt like I've always walked on eggshells.

It got to a point where I did not enjoy mornings. It's a pain to smile whenever I wake up, because "it's just another day of surviving, fulfilling never-ending possibilities, doing my best so I'd not let down those who believe in me, working hard so nobody notices how miserable I feel—need I say more? It's just too many, I want a rest day."

It was bizarre during weekends though. I don't have piles of work, but my mind works overtime, without pay. It's funny trying to shut your brain up, when it's job is to just think, and think, and think. Meanwhile, I just want to sleep. I want a day where I can just have my breakfast in peace, watch Netflix, listen to a song that fits the mood, dance when nobody's watching. I want to have a full-body massage so I can end this insufferable back pain that started ever since I got into the corporate world. I want to schedule an appointment with a dermatologist, a dentist, a hairstylist, and pamper myself a little. I always thought I deserved those.

Because I've been working so hard. It sucks, though, because my wages aren't even enough to treat my family to a nice dinner every payday. I feel guilty whenever I take all my hidden frustrations on them. I said some words I regret, and I know they did not deserve that. I tend to forget that I once wished I can be that perfect bread winner for them, who can provide for them without complaining, yet I ended up being the opposite. Truth is, I am lacking.

There were also days that I changed my mind, and decided, nah, I don't really deserve to treat myself. I was not able to accomplish that much as I planned on doing. I turned down opportunities because I thought I'm not fit for that, or I was just being lazy. I delayed lots of plans because of that crazy feeling of being under-qualified. Ever since adulthood hit me, thoughts of not being good enough always dwells around. It comes, it goes. Then it visits again. Then it dwells. Then it decides it has to go again. Then it comes back.

I've always doubted my potentials. I was never like this before. What happened to me? What happened to that girl who's so eager to achieve her dreams? Where did that strong warrior go? Why did she turn into a demotivated young adult who's clueless about her path?

There is so much more to that ugly experiences that not every spectator is interested in. Audience always skips to the good part. People always notice only two things—either the victory, or the failure. They don't care about the means, which refer to crying myself to sleep, random thoughts of letting everything go, desire to lash out everything at once, urge to turn against the responsibilities, plus the struggles which become evident emotionally and physically.

Yet, here I am. Still breathing, still existing. Still living. I do not intend to forget all the hardships that brought me to who I am right now, though, I hope I can just let it off my memories from time to time. I somehow still wish that I did not have to go through so much. Though impossible, I still wished life was a lot easier. I wished I had more time enjoying living, that hating the idea of it.

I know most of social media is fake, but I still envy those posts where people have learned the art of "romanticizing life". Seriously, how does one do that? It seems simple but I found it hard to do.

Now it's a few months more before this year ends. At some point, it seemed like time flows too slow. I remembered one time I wished it would be faster. Now, I realized, boom, nine long months are over! Holiday seasons is saying hi in the corner, and before I even know it, it will be 2024. Leap year, yes!

It's when this idea popped up that I got reminded again, I still am a victor, after all.

You know, there's this one time I was disappointed by a friend. I longed for someone I can share my difficulties with. It was my first time, very first time that I finally listened to that small voice telling me to not keep everything to myself. Yet, the thing happened. That person had reasons, and long story short, I was not heard.

I knew better than to even expect from people, because they're only people, yes, they are not always available. Yet, it still hurt, specially when I know I've been there when I was the one being asked for help.

However, during those darkest times, someone never left my side. He listened to my rants, smallest to heaviest ones. He never made me felt alone, and never judged me. He kept reminding me over and over—because I tend to forget everytime—that He knows my sufferings even when I don't openly say it. He shares my burden and He just waits for me to call for His help.

And so I did. I always called for God's help. Every single time I feel helpless, and tired, I cry unto Him. I always plead Him to just remove everything that made my life so hard. I always asked Him why it's so hard being me.

Instead, He answered my prayers in the most unexpected ways. The struggles continued, but I knew He's there with me. He sat with me on those late night reading sessions, He hugged me on those emotional moments of weakness. He protected me on those days that I thought were my "auto-pilot" days. He made this life more bearable for me.

Little by little, I learned how to romanticize my life. Those little solo dates, jeepney rides, sunset views after work, laughs with friends, compliments from work colleagues.. they made me view life in a more beautiful light. The fact that I have a complete family I can always come home to, is something I'm always grateful for (I used to take it for granted). Even those precious moments whenever my siblings and I go into triple dates every after Sunday Church service. It does not matter if we only had meals in a fastfood restaurant. The talks we had, sharing how our week went, even the difficulties we never talked about before, the pictures, everything, is beautiful.

Memories are beautiful. We can only experience them once, but they stay rent free in out hearts. Ah, life is still nice to have.

So, to that one lady who complimented my outfit and made me smile, I hope she remembers I'm grateful to her. To that one friend who checks up on me whenever she sees my sad posts on social media, I appreciate it so much. To my mom who's rarely sweet when it comes to words but sends me long messages after our arguments, I love you so much and I won't exchange you for anyone else. And to my dad, who's not a talkative person, it makes me happy whenever I see my pictures on your stories and you add sweet music to it. To my siblings who always believed in my capabilities even I repeatedly told them I am not that person, thanks for giving me strength.

To my previous boss who always cheered me up from a distance, I am thankful. And to every single person whom I spent brief moments with, strangers or not, you've been part of the highs and lows of my life, and you still flash through my mind from time to time.

These little interactions, rainy travels, sunny walks, shopping on a tight budget, reading romantic stories, watching romcoms, playtime with pets, they made me appreciate life more. I kept being reminded that I am still that main character in my own story, who deserve to celebrate small wins, to treat myself from time to time, and that I deserve happiness.

That even when it does not feel like it, it eventually gets better. It actually does. I just don't know when. But God tells me, without fail...

"And, behold, I am with you, and will keep you in all places wherever you go, and will bring you again into this land; for I will not leave you, until I have done that which I have spoken to you of."

-Genesis 28:15

To God be the Glory.