Letters to Him
01.22.23
No joke, it's 0124H right this moment, and I decided to share this out of the blue.
My room is already so messy, due to me being really busy these days. Notebooks, pens, and other supplies are everywhere, along with my other things. It's a Friday night, so I chose to declutter my mildly disgusting space.
Then I came across an old notebook I have, which I used for multiple purposes. It has notes that I took when attending Sunday service, some lectures from college days, and the last one—the one I'll focus on today—my letters to God.
Most of this notebook's contents are years 2018, up to 2020, if I remember it right. It touched my heart, genuinely, of the way I talked to God through diary like entries in an era I called "Writing Letters to God" period in my life. Through these letters with dates on them, I got to re-live the precious memories of younger me, like the first ever phone I bought that got stolen, my first ever job, to ones that hit right to my core, such as the worries I had when I was still graduating, the version of me that's already struggling about obscurity of my future, never-ending whining of our financial difficulties. I also even talked about my firsthand emotional experience when C0VID was first introduced to the world.
Everything was fully documented in there. I was almost gonna cry. I sincerely wanted to confront my younger self and give her a big, big, warm hug. She must be so confused and burdened to think about adult responsibilities. And she chose to just endure and breathe it all to God.
Honestly, I am grateful for everything I went through, that made me stronger. However, there is still a part of me that kind of wished I had an easier life back then.
Reading these old letters to God made me remember the feelings I felt when I talked to Him about my desperate desire to immediately work, so I can help with the family's financial situation. I suddenly was brought back to the barely nineteen year-old me, already applying for a job in a different town, while practicing for graduation at the same time. I almost forgot the fact that I also struggled about paying all my graduation related fees, because that time, only my older sister was working. I even wrote about how I feel guilty that I was causing the family even greater problems because of the money I spend when applying for job.
Looking back, I feel somehow proud of myself, I guess? I could not tell but become a but teary-eyed, reminding myself once again, right this moment, that, indeed, I've come so far.
All this while I thought, what have I been doing with my life? Thank God He reminded me of what life was like many years ago. A lot has changed. For the better. I grew, after all. This very fact comforted my pressured, burdened soul.
I really appreciate the fact that I chose to capture my days through handwritten letters to God. Even high quality cameras would never be able to capture the beauty of feelings in the past moments, only words can. Despite my unstable handwriting, I was still able to understand what I wrote.
These days, I'm still trying to keep up with journaling, but I was now again introduced to the concept of writing directly to God, because, that way, I also get to have some very lovely time with Him, as if I'm praying in silence.
Writing really has that power I'll always be proud about. I don't know about the others, but I could not count the ways writing and reading helped me cope with hardships. It's like the free therapy to me.
Starting today, I'll try my best to start writing raw, unfiltered letters to God again. Then, I'll see, a few years later, of the milestones I'd have achieved further. We got no way, but up!
That would be all for this short outburst of emotions. Thanks for coming by!
-Elle
Lead Image from Unsplash
