Journalling 101: A Months-Old Letter to a Departed One
Hi there Bin,
I am foolishly hoping this will come through and reach you.
I am gonna be honest. I barely knew you, but God knows how broken my heart still got when it finally did sink in. You're forever gone. I don't think I could look at your clips without feeling sad. I hope that this won't make you sad, though, but rather, make you happy, because you know you're loved a lot. A whole lot.
I still wonder why you're taken so soon. I was still stupid, making myself believe that it was just a grand show, that you're still alive somewhere, choosing a very private,ore relaxed life. Yes, please, do that. I don't care if the whole world won't know, at least you finally chose yourself.
Or maybe, God just really thought it's about time you get the rest you deserve. This world must have exhausted you so much—yet it's not cruel enough to take away your smile, the smile that warms the heart. Oh, how willing I am to do silly things just to see that over and over again. Now, I am just wondering how you've been for the oast few months. Have you been secretly suffering? Were you sick?
My heart really breaks. What more if I've known you for years, Binnie? Can this pain get anymore hurtful?
Promise us that you're just having a good time from now on. I hope you'll be in a place where you'd have nothing to worry about; where you can openly share your struggles, and not pretend to be okay when you're not. I hope you'll be taken care of with love and genuine concern.
I don't know for how long I'd be thinking of you, but know that since this morning, until now, even in my prayers, my tears poured out for you. I feel the pain as if I was one of the closest people you've left behind. My whole system is mourning for your loss, and on the other side, it tries to imagine the other universe, where you're alive and moving, where you're with your sister, co-members, fans and friends.
Moonbin, I hope I could see you even just in my dreams, and know that you're fine. I prayed it to God tonight. You'll be missed, that's for sure. And many, many people will never forget you, okay?
Apr 25 2023 | 10:50pm
This was one of my writings through my very own journaling journey. As I typed it here again, sad feelings cane through, though not as heavy as before.
If you've read this letter, I actually had my prayer answered. I do not remember when anymore, but soon after, I really dreamt of spending my time with him. We just did a simple strolling, and I bawled my eyes out in the end. I feel the tears now (nervous laugh).
I clearly remember how I emphasized to him to just enjoy life, to take a break, to not overwork himself, and to do what he wants. I insisted that he take care of himself and enjoy wherever he's going. I really did not let him go until I was able to say everything I wanted to tell him.
It's a relief, really. It comforted me to see his bright smile in front of me, even just in the dream. It felt so real. I held him, I looked into his eyes, and nagged at him like how a younger sister does, and he just assured me that he's in a good place. That was the last straw. Tears pooled in my eyes, yet his smiling face was still clear in my vision.
I woke up still in tears, and I thanked God for letting me experience that. It gave me a sense of closure.
Moonbin's death was so sudden. It shocked every fans, including casual followers, which include myself. I remember hearing the news early in the morning, so I got emotional in the office—thankfully, it's not yet office hours.
It's been months now, and I still think of him from time to time, though not as frequent as before. The story's different with fans, co-members, and his family, for sure. I'm sure they're more broken in ways I can not fathom, and I sincerely hope they're healing day by day.
Lead Image Source: Moonbin Instagram Post
