What's In My Mind: Random Night Thoughts

As I begin to tap the screen of my phone through my fingers, I wonder what I'm going to write about when I opened this "Write an article" feature of this platform. I don't even have a specific topic in mind to talk about but just like what the title says, I'm going to write these random night thoughts that are running inside my mind.

This deafening silence is making my brain go crazy that a lot of words are being created again. Where should I start? How do I begin?

Then I remember what happened a couple of days ago. I got into a little misunderstanding with a user on a different platform and I feel like it has stained the reputation I tried to build in there. I remember how I was so optimistic when I started my morning that day. But because I read a comment at the wrong tune, the day became messy. I admit it was my fault because I lose control of my emotions. I let my pride be bigger than my kindness. I don't want to defend myself anymore because it's over but I'm the kind of person who can't easily get over an incident. I cried buckets over that situation and if there is something I've learned about myself, it's that I'm still easily affected by what other people think about me.

Nobody's perfect and it's normal to make mistakes, they say. Committing mistakes is being human and applying the lessons we've learned will make us humane. And as I walk past through what happened that day, I will bring with me the lessons I learned and make sure to apply them when a similar situation arises.

Then I think about me being an introvert. Why do some extroverts think that being alone means being lonely? I attended the first night of the event "Mercato ni Nanay Ces" here in our place last May 28 alone. I went alone because I wanted to. I wanted to treat myself and just enjoy the night with my own company. Then a familiar face approached me at my table where I was eating and said right in front of my face, "I pity you for being alone."

Does being alone equates to being lonely? No, it doesn't. I don't pity you that you can't stand being alone so don't pity me if I can. Just because you like being surrounded by a lot of people doesn't mean I like to. I hope extroverts will be able to understand how an introvert feels to avoid misconceptions.

Then I remember my performance in my Final exams and during these Finals. I feel so disappointed in myself that I know I could have done better and what I did is not even good enough. I am losing focus. I am no longer interested in what I'm doing and with the course I'm taking. I've been settling for mediocrity and not striving for excellence.

I know I have a goal of graduating with a Latin honor because it's the only thing I can do to make my parents proud and to at least meet the expectations of other people. But what can I do? I feel like the fire that was once burning is already freezing. I feel so exhausted that I just want this semester to end already.

Then I thought about my parents. Their negative energy has been affecting my mental and emotional health. I don't want to talk bad about my parents because I love them and they are the reason why I am in this world. But sometimes, I just want to disappear and get away from them for a while.

Am I a bad child if I think of running away? One of the reasons why I really wanted to live independently, move out, and live in an apartment in the city is because I can't stand them sometimes. But I know, if I do so, I won't be able to live because they are my life.

What is life to offer me when I grow old? Thinking about my future every night just haunts me. I am so scared of uncertainty. I have a lot of plans laid out for myself, but every time I think of them, I feel like none of them will ever come true.

But then I remember a quote I read some time ago that the best thing to do in life is to not make plans and just go with life's flow. And I hope I will be able to live with this quote for the rest of my life.

~F.M.L.M. 💚