Family Ties

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1 year ago

Ebuzzydagr8 is here to make you happy by giving you the nose funny and hilarious stories you have ever read. So please stay alert and join me in this ride of adventure. This story is going to blow your mind. Sit back read and enjoy.

Let's Go.


“Shut your goddamn mouth! I didn’t punch a hole in the wall, you did!”

“Only after you smashed my guitar and threw it into the fireplace!”

“Oh come on! It wasn’t even lit”

“Order! Order in my court!”

“Sure, whatever you say, Piss-Pants.”

“Oh yeah! I forgot about that road trip…”

“And the car smelled the whole way from Flag to the Hoover Dam…”

“Cuz Mom wouldn’t stop the car!”

The public defender slaps the prosecutor on the back as the prosecutor gives the man in the orange DOC jumpsuit a rough noogie. The defendant smiling as big as could be, shackles rattling and clinking. Only the judge grimaced - he wanted to hold every last one of them in contempt. But now, now was the time he earned his respect from these giggling hooligans; these raucous assholes; his brothers. Today was the last day he would be called Piss-Pants or The Drippy Dude or Leaky Lenny (the least sensical of all of Adam’s brothers’ cruel nicknames). He’d been a federal judge for eight years, he deserved some fucking respect!

They’d been family a lot longer.

The bailiff, stenographer, and jury were agape, speechless - Bass trophies mounted in a courtroom.

Tears in his eyes, the prosecutor feigns remembering his courtroom decorum,

“You’ got it, Ada-, I mean, Your Honor”. Still laughing but wiping the tears from his eyes he moves back to his desk and reached for his briefcase (always organized that Abe, his mother would muse during “Study hour”) but not before Kane pursed his lips and made sure he heard that accursed squeaking sound. Not to be out-done, that pucker-fish-face was met by a swiftly flicked bird.

Isaac stuck his tongue out at the man who’d damn him to rot behind bars and was betrayed by his chains when the attempted to low five his last hope and his younger brother. Still, the only sound the jury, no, the world cared to hear was that satisfying slap of hand on hand punctuated by a fist bump from the rock solid defense. The wind must have carried across the courtroom from blowing on the seemingly burning fingers from the chained man to the (hopefully) future DA (all else be damned) for not only did his eyes roll with the wight of sisyphus’ bolder but his head seemed to weigh a ton as it tipped to the side like a tree in a hurricane. That smirk didn’t budge an inch.

The judges ears produced enough steam to power boat. His face as red as mars. His blood could sterilize surgical tools it boiled so hot. Judges don’t use gavels anymore; their antiquated garishness garners contempt from nearly everyone in the court room these days. Adam had weights added to his when his clerk brought this case to his desk.

It cracked the bench on its fifteenth (he’d been counting) strike.

“Fucking, ORDER!”

The- no, HIS, courtroom finally fell silent… Nearly.

“Or what, you’ll call Mom”? The only laughing man with everything left to lose chortled all too loudly.

With one final strike the gavel’s head dislodged from the handle falling to the courtroom floor. Robespierre would have been proud.

“OFF WITH HIS HEAD!” was the statement the stenographer had the good judgement to translate to a simple, obvious, and all too indefinite, “Guilty”.

“For what?” Cried the Defendant, defender, and (somewhat) surprisingly, DA to-be in choral unison. The jury’s, no, audiences’ heads previously pivoting like that of a tennis match’s audience’,s now, as if rusted and oilless, creaked, cricked and fixed on the now unarmed Judge.

Nearly speechless (for once in his life) and flummoxed (for the umpteenth time) the Judge shook his head, inhaled collecting more spittle (for carpet bombing his carpet and contemptuous brothers) and unleashed a fresh bombardment,

“For what?” He laughed, “For what? How about for being an asshole, for starters, contempt of court, grand larceny, trespassing, possession of stolen property, assault, assault with a deadly weapon, kidnapping, kid-giving,”

“Now he’s just making stuff up” Chimed in the dutiful public defender. Unperturbed (as he often gets when he thinks he’s on a roll) His Highness prattled on,

“Impersonating a girl from school I liked, convincing me to put Nair in my hair before prom, Impersonating my prom date and not telling me until I we got to the dance,”

“Hey! We had a good time!” The defendant reminded the Judge, almost and maybe a bit too offendedly.

“Can I just say, I think orange is really your color” Jabbed the want-to-be DA. As the Judge continued on the Defendant turned, returned the flicked bird and added,

“Yeah well a monkey in a suit could use some eye shadow, C’mere and I’ll give ya some black and blue.”

“Oh yeah?”


“Telling me Santa wasn’t real when I was Five, convincing me he was real when I was Thirty” proclaimed His Honor holding his headless helper.

“Objection, Adam, That’s not my clients fault. If anyone’s, it’s yours.”

Medusa herself would have frozen if she’s locked eyes with The Judge when he heard the Defense’s audacity. A basilisk’s hiss responded,


For once the courtroom seemed to fall into a semblance of normalcy… that is until the Prosecutor’s lighter took several strikes to ignite and the smell of tobacco began to fill the room.

The Defense and Defendant both smirked and silently pointed at the desk opposite them.

A horrific marionette’s smile crept up the judges face leaving crease lines just beneath insane eyes. “Hey buddy” came the friendly question from the bench, “Whatcha doin?” His hand carelessly tossing the remnants of his gavel to the floor. It having lost its body was now reunited with its mind just as surely as the judge had lost his and wouldn’t find it anytime soon. His now empty hand cupped his chin as if in genuine interest in and pure bafflement at what the prosecutor could possibly be doing.

Having successfully and evenly cherried his cigar, Able propped his legs on the desk and tossed his lighter next to his feet. His rings would have made Alice’s caterpillar jealous, not to mention, no one, not even that lazy blue multi legged bastard would have thought to ask the following question,

“What does it look like I’m doing, Piss-Pants? The Prosecution rests.”

Isaac’s chains rattled as he raised a clenched fist to his enormous smile and bit his knuckle. Kane seemingly manifested a bowl of, albeit cold, popcorn and snacked as leisurely as if his soaps were on.

The Jury had phones already recording the proceedings.

“Oh shit” was all the bailiff could muster.

The storm

That was it, the camel was crippled, the point was past breaking, it was night on the sun.

The object was unstoppable.

A scream, no a howl, that the universe would hear and remember erupted out of the balding brother.

Mt. Vesuvius shrunk some out of sheer fear as His Honor leapt over the bench and, with the force of Mjolnir, came down upon the oldest. The defense tackled the bailiff when he tried to intervene and, from the floor, locked eyes with the defendant who, fleeing the scene, mirrored the thumb’s up he’d been so kindly gifted. No one heard his shackles move with the motion, only the screams from the judge and the cheers from the crowd. Recess was granted.

Consider this my resignation as The honorable Jacobson’s stenographer.

Court adjourned.


Since this is family time😅👨‍👩‍👧‍👧👨‍👨‍👦👨‍👩‍👧‍👧👨‍👨‍👧👨‍👨‍👧‍👦. I will share with us another brilliant story from my wonderful collection. Sit back and enjoy.

When Cory first looked at the file on his desk about the man that he would have to take the case on he wasn't sure. Their last name, Barker was common. he went down to the prison to have a meeting with the man that he would have to defend after familiarizing himself with the file. He sat in the room where large plastic glass stood between him and his client. When the guards drug the man into the room, he would know the man anywhere. They sat the man harshly onto the plastic chair. Cory's face was awash with pain and grief. How could the file have been true? Then the man looked at him. The man's eyes showed humor and excitement. The man picked out the phone. With trembling fingers, Cory picked up the other hone and brought it to his ear. He heard his youngest brother's voice for the first time in a long time, "Cor, long time no see. How the hell are you?"

Cory sighed, "I could ask you the same thing, Reese."

Reese gestured around him, "Oh this... psh, it's nothing to worry about."

Cory's eyebrows furrowed, "How can you say that? You're in jail!"

"For now, big bro. I know there's supposed be this great public defender coming to speak with me." He paused, "Come to think of it, how'd you know I was here?"

"Because Reese... I'm your lawyer."

"I'll get out of this yet. Fuck yeah!"

"Don't get too ahead of yourself."


"I found out just before I left my office that the prosecution is our brother, Brian."


"He's probably gonna use this case for his campaign for DA. He's not gonna care that his brothers are in the case at all."

"He never did," Reese rolled his eyes.

Cory laughed, "You haven't changed at all."

Several days later Cory and Reese sat on one sat of the courtroom while Brian was unpacking his stuff on the other. It seemed that Brian didn't even notice that his brothers were in the same courtroom. Then the bailiff entered the room and said, "All rise. Presenting the Honorable Spencer Barker."

In walked Cory, Reese, and Brian's oldest brother. Spencer flicked his eyes across the courtroom. He couldn't let his emotions rule him. The bailiff said, "You may sit."

Then the bailiff turned to Spencer and explained, "Your Honor this is case 24967, The State vs. Barker."

"Thank you, Simmons."

Spencer looked at the papers in front of him trying to look busy. He turned to Cory, "Will the defense present its case?"

Spencer folded his arms over his chest and determined that he would listen to both sides and try to be as impartial as he could. Cory stood and walked in front of the table where Reese sat in manacles. Cory took a deep breath "My client is innocent. He is a victim of circumstances beyond his control. During this trial, I will set forth to prove these things."

Spencer nodded then turned to Brian and said, "Prosecution, you have the floor."

Brian quickly hurried to stand in front of his table, "Your Honor, this man not only killed a man in cold blood but after the murder stayed on the scene and proceeded to steal for the man that he killed. That is what I will set forth to prove during this trial."

"That's shit and you know it, Bri," Reese yelled out.

Spencer's angry eyes feel on Cory, "I'll thank you to keep your client under control counsel."

Reese dropped his head and shook it, muttering under his breath, "Pompous asshole."

Spencer chocked his head, "I'm sorry, what's that, sir?"

Reese ground his teeth, but then stood. His chains clanking with every move, "I called you a pompous asshole. Get your own head of your ass, Spence."

"Damn Reese! Way to stand up to big bro," Brian exclaimed.

"Even I'll have to admit that it was spectacular," Cory had to admit.

Spencer's eyes felt like he could throw fire from them. He took the gavel and rapped it much harder than necessary on his desk, "Order, ORDER!" He sighed deeply. I had not wanted it to come to this. He wanted his youngest brother to get a fair trial, but there was no way that it could happen like this. He tried to remain professional, "Mr. Defense attorney, I suggest that you pass this client of your to another of your partners. Mr. Prosecutor, I suggest that you also pass this particular case to another of your partners. As for myself, I recuse myself from this case. I cannot be impartial in this case."

Reese jumped up, "How the hell can you do this to be, Spence?"

Spencer looked at his baby brother, trying to hold emotions back, "Guards, please take the prisoner away."

As the guards dragged Reese away Spencer, Cory, and Brian could hear Reese throwing curses and insults their way. Spencer lifted the gavel, it feeling so heavy in his hand all of a sudden, "Case dismissed."

The bailiff said, "All rise."

Spencer came down from the bench but couldn't go to his chambers fast enough. His brothers came up to him. Cory said, "How could you do that, Spence?"

"Don't start with me, Cor. I did what I thought was best for Reese. He deserves a fair trial. It was turning into a damn circus in there."

"Not on my end," Brian puffed.

Spencer turned on him and poked his chest, "I don't want to hear it from you. All you care about is your damn promotion to DA."

Brian was about to say something, but he knew he couldn't argue. Cory said softly, "Did you really mean what you said?"

Spencer breathed heavily, "Of course. I think that is would be best for Reese."

His two brothers looked at him for a long moment. Cory finally puffed out a long breath, "I think I agree."

Spencer looked at Brian. Brian looked away. Spencer hissed, "For once Bri, think about family, and not your asinine ambitions. Do what's right."

Brian growled, "Fine! I'll drop the case."

Spencer put an arm around his two brothers and mused, "Let's just hope that the justice system takes care of Reese."

Cory said, "He does have a good care to get off if he was a good defense attorney."

"But even a semi-decent prosecutor could poke holes in it," Brian sassed.

"Don't start you two. We just have to just ultimately trust the judge, or possibly jury to see his guilt or innocence.


That is all I have for now. Although for my past four articles random Rewarder has not rewarded me. I am still motivated to share these stories. So please you can support me anytime. Thanks for reading and enjoying. It usually takes time for me to prepare this stories. So am off Au revoir.

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1 year ago