Closing In

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1 year ago

You know things are weird when you've been hired as a scientist by the US military ... and you're a biologist. But they're lucky they hired me, because I can explain what really happened with the demons.

You have to realise that demons, like all creatures, have biological needs just like us. For instance, they need to eat just like we do, because they have to get their energy from somewhere. But this is a problem when you live deep underground in the pit of hell where there's very little plant or animal matter. However, they have a much more high density energy source down there than meat. They have oil.

Of course, the military should not have been trying to open a portal to an oil well several miles below the ground. Oil drilling is supposed to be done by the private sector, not the government. The portal technology is supposed to be used for national defence, not drilling. But if it worked, it could save an oil company billions in setup costs, so I guess someone paid someone off somewhere.

It's not surprising that the demon hordes tried to stop anyone getting in. Every territorial creature tries to defend their home and their food supply. Of course, they couldn't hope to stop the US military doing what it wanted, sucking in as much oil as they wanted, along with several unwilling demons.

I was hired as a biologist to examine those demons. It turns out, not only do they eat oil, they can detect it from miles away through solid rock. And they can move through solid earth get to it.

And this is the problem. Once on the surface, they could smell the refined petrol in our cars, which for them was the most delicious, high-octane food imaginable. It was then just a matter of telling their friends about the bounty they'd discovered.

And that, Mr President, is why Los Angeles has been levelled by a demon invasion. The traffic jams just smelled too good.

[Somewhere, in the bowels of a convention centre]

"... and so I say to you, the shareholders of Black Pit Oil, don't mourn the deaths in Los Angeles. Don't mourn the decimation of the armed forces that tried to prevent it. Rejoice! Because it's the best news possible for our company, and you're about to reap dividends like you've never seen!

As you know, the hardest part about the oil business is knowing where to drill. The rest is engineering. But right now exploration is basically guesswork. I mean, informed guesswork for sure - you don't employ geologists of the calibre we've got and not improve your odds - but it's guesswork nevertheless. So we have to infer that there might be oil in a particular spot, then drill a heap of test wells to see if they have anything. And often, you realise you were wrong and there's no oil near any of your test wells. It's just a normal part of the business, as I was trying to explain to you all in last year's shareholder meeting.

But now that we've discovered a city-killing demon, everything's about to get easier! Demons need oil to eat, and they can smell it through rock. If we capture one, it can show us where the oil is, and lead us to dividends beyond our wildest dreams.

Of course, I can't just ask my employees to go and catch one. After all, every L.A. cop who tried that is now paste. So here's what I'm going to do, should you approve the vote before you.

I'm going to take our entire oil exploration budget for the next five years, which is fifty million dollars, and offer it as a prize to any group who can bring a demon to my office in chains. I don't care what group does it. It could be a group of bounty hunters. It could be the army of a some country. It could be ... fucking ... the 101st ... SAS... whatever. I don't care. You bring a demon to my office, in chains, and fifty million dollars is yours.

My friends, the demons that destroyed L.A. need to learn something important: You do not FUCK with an oil company."

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1 year ago