The good in goodbye...

Have you ever been in a toxic relationship?

When do you need to let go?

Is giving up on him,does mean you really don't love it at all?

When does self love comes first?

Being in love,maybe is one of the happiest feeling,that's what I thought at first.

He was just a crush before, I got attracted by his look at first and seems kinda mysterious. We started as a co-worker, as time pass he started to become more open and talks to me most of the time. Knowing him more than made me fall for him, I know this is just not a simple crush anymore. After a month he becomes the manager, I become a bit aloof at him because I don't want others to think he has his favoritism.

I guess he can sense that I am different at him, but instead of ignoring me he seems like pursuing me. There's this one instance that we had a new guy at work, at first he assigned me to train him because he is kinda busy that moment. After his training we ate lunch together, just the two of us and he suddenly got back from his meeting and saw us comfortably talking while eating. After lunch break, he talked to the guy and saying that next time he is not allowed to take lunch break with me at the same time. I got confuse, but maybe he is just saying 2 personas are not allowed to take break at the same time.

That afternoon he asked me to tag along to buy christmas decoration for the store, then he tol me, I think the new guy like you... and I was like are you sure? Cos I think he has already a boyfriend. He smile and then look at me closely the he asked "tomorrow is your off right?"

I smile and nod my head,

"Then,can you go out and have dinner with me?"

In my mind I was like, yes.. yes.. yessssss.. but I don't want to date my boss..but I like him a lot...argggg I don't know..

"Just one dinner, if it doesn't work it's fine just a chance to have a dinner with you."

And I suddenly say "okay, sure."

It all begun there, the dinner went well really well that we have second, third, fourth and on the fifth date he asked me if I can be his girlfriend... What my heart says is a big yes. I don't want to think what others may say because I can't help it anymore, I fallen deeply in love with him.

We started going out, he introduce me to his family, we go out with my cousins, I just feel so happy and contented with what is happening in my life. He always makes me laugh, even he is so busy he always find ways to make time for me. I can say what we had that time is just perfect.

Then he suddenly need to go overseas to visit one of his brother, he trusted me to act as a temporary manager with the store since he already bought the franchise of

He would call me everynight and even if I am tired I will always wait for his call. He got back after a month, but I felt something is changed. He still makes time, he is still sweet but he is always on the phone. I don't want to ask because I don't want him to feel that I don't trust him but there is this uneasy feeling.

After a week he got back, one our collegues confront me and says, he saw my boyfriend and the new girl at work in the bar last night being intimate, I was chopping that time and because I was so shock of what I heard I didn't notice that I already chopped a small portion of my finger, ang my colleuge was so shock when she saw the blood flowing from my finger.

I can't feel any pain from my finger but I am crying because of what I heard, he suddenly came from a meeting and he is so frantic when ge saw my fingers, and me crying so hard.. he bring me to the clinicand they fix it, but I can't help but just cry and cry. When we got back to the store, he said for me to wait for him and he will bring me back home. He get his phone, and I suddenly snatch it from him, run to the girl toilet, as expected it has a password but since I already doubting him for a week I once catch a glance on his password so I was able to open his phone.

I heart aches so much, I thought what we have is real. When he brings me home, we talked in his car, he said it was his ex and they just meet few times.I asked him,

"did you make love?"

"Yes"

"How many times?"

"Is it important how many times?"

"Yes, because it just happened because your drunk, but if it happened more than once.. it means you are very much aware that you are cheating on me."

( Now I honestly thought how stupid I was back then, once or twice it's still cheating)

He keeps saying sorry...

"While I was working extra hour just to make sure your business will not have any problems when you get back, while we talked every single night...while you keep saying i love you, all those time.. you are f*ck*ng her."

I took a month off at work, also because I can't move my finger properly..

For the whole month, he try his best to show me how sorry he was. He always updates me, he still keeps on messaging me.

I love him, so I gave me what he asked for a second chance..

But it's not the same, I always doubt him and I always over think everything.. We always fight, a small misundertanding always end up to a big fight.

When I decided to fully trust him again, a common friend of our show me a photo of him, kissing someone in the bar... and it's one of our workmates.

I was so mad, not to him... but to myself... it ruined me. I doubt myself, ask myself what is wrong to me.. I never felt that low in my life. My self steem just drop to zero.

For one last time we talked,

"I don't want to ask you anymore why you did that, you cheat because you are not contented, I gave you everything, but maybe I myself was not enough."

He didn't say anything but sorry over and over.

" I was stupid why I didn't see from the first time, I should've already seen the good in our goodbye back then. I just love you so much... but this time, I will love more myself."

I left and found a new job, and honestly I maybe sometimes thinking about him..I loved him for 2 years.. But I'm all better now, single but happily in love with myself, my family and friends.