1
You can also have the discussion before you become intimate with your partner, or after. This is totally up to you and your preferences.
2
Talk to your partner alone, face to face. Have the discussion in person so you make eye contact with your partner and can gauge how they are feeling. Pick a spot where you can both be alone and comfortable, such as at your apartment or at your partner’s home.[2]
Avoid having the conversation over text message or social media, as it can be hard to express your feelings properly over text. Go for a face to face conversation instead.
3
Explain how you are feeling about the relationship. Start the conversation by using “I” statements to express to your partner how you are feeling. Share your feelings so they know where you stand. This may help to clarify their own feelings and show them that you have thought a lot about the relationship.[3]
For example, you may say, “I just want you to know that I am invested in this relationship and want to see where it goes.” Or you may say, “I like seeing you and I want to continue seeing you, just you.”
You may use terms like “monogamous,” “committed,” or “casual” to describe what you want. Be clear and upfront about what you want from your partner.
4
Ask them how they feel about the relationship. Let your partner know that it is important to you that you both define the relationship. Get them to open up about their perspective with probing questions or encouraging statements.[4]
For example, you may say, “I know this can be awkward to talk about but I just wondered where you see this relationship going.” Or you may say, “‘I’m wondering how you are feeling about us. Please be honest.”
5
Listen to what your partner has to say. Once you have expressed where you stand and asked for their perspective, make sure you really listen to what they have to say. Nod and make eye contact with them so they know you are listening. Avoid the urge to interrupt them. Instead, hear them out.[5]
Your partner may respond positively and give you the answer you want. Or they may give you an answer that is different than what you want from the relationship. Be prepared for either scenario.
6
Share your expectations for the relationship. Let your partner know exactly what you want out of the relationship and why. For example, if you want a monogamous relationship, then you might want to let your partner know this and explain why monogamy is important to you. You could also let them know that you value trust and honesty in a relationship, and explain why these are so important to you.
7
Move forward together if you both agree on the terms of the relationship. After the discussion, you may both be ready to be monogamous with each other. Or you may both agree to keep things casual and open. As long as you are both on the same page, you should be able to move forward with your relationship.
For example, you may say, “I’m glad we both agree on the status of our relationship. This makes moving forward together much easier.”
Make sure to define what a monogamous relationship means to you. For example, does monogamy mean that you can only date each other? Is it okay to flirt with other people? How often do you expect to see your partner if you are monogamous?
8
Take some time to reconsider things if your definitions are very different. If you and your partner are not on the same page, you may need time apart from them to reevaluate the relationship. You can then think about whether you still want to see the person or should break it off with them.
For example, you may say to your partner, “I don’t think we’re on the same page about our relationship. Maybe we should take some time apart to reevaluate what we want.”
Don’t sacrifice your goals and values as a way to stay in a relationship.