Over the years, I had a strong feeling that I should live in a way that makes me proud. It seemed believable and clear at a deep level, but it is not. In fact, it didn't make any sense at all. I have no close relationship with my grandfather. We didn't speak on the phone. We didn't answer. I haven't seen him in 5 years, at least he's alive. It goes without saying that he is dead. What effect does the phrase “live to be proud” has? His death made me think about this unpleasant truth. So my mind tried to build expectations outside of the situation to support me and keep nihilism alive. My heart decided that it was important for my grandfather to continue to hope and fight for his honor, because he lost the ability to hope and continue his life. It is part of the beliefs of my heart and my personal mini-religion with a specific purpose. And it worked! on the