If you have 24 hours left to live, what would you do with the time?
A few days ago, someone close to me "died". The person was young and lived a good life. They weren't sick or dying. But they made it clear they couldn't go on living anymore; life had lost its meaning for them. So in the last few moments of their life, the person did one last thing they are remembered by today: they took their own life.
Needless to say, it was a terrible scene. The person's family and friends were in shock because not only had their loved one taken his own life, but the way he had taken his own life was very public. To make things worse, his final act of self-destruction was a copycat suicide of the most high-profile example he could find
-the death of Robin Williams.
It killed me to hear all this news. I have been dealing with depression for months now, and there have been some days where I felt that suicide is the best option for me – it would allow me to escape my pain and give me a taste of what it would be like to not suffer anymore. As far as I am aware, no one has ever talked about how the death of Robin Williams could affect you.
"How?" you may ask.
It's simple really: depression cannot be explained. People tell it is because you weren't happy, and that doesn't work for me. I have been fairly happy throughout my life. Depression is unexplainable. If someone close to you decided to take his or her life, it will always be a mystery as to why they did so.
I personally think that depression lies somewhere between your brain and your soul. It attaches itself to what matters most to you in order for it to become something you cannot reason with or escape from. I believe that when faced with a situation where no options allow you to avoid pain, depression forces itself into the equation and ultimately takes control of your actions for its own benefit – hence why suicide is often linked to it.
In the case of Robin Williams, it's pretty obvious that he was having a hard time. But for me, I don't look at the situation. I still do a little research and try to get an understanding of what they went through earlier in life. The truth is, I am not nearly as affected by this as people who knew him would be. For me, Robin Williams' death has brought me nothing but sadness over yet another loss – like so many other deaths this year.
I wish that there was something I could say to explain depression – something that could be useful when you feel like death is preferable to living with what you are going through right now. But there really isn't. And I'll be honest: I don't think there is anything more to life than this.
I believe that everyone has their own version of terminal cancer – a disease that has no cure, which will slowly take over your body and drain your natural essence until you eventually can no longer fight or feel anything.
Part of it is not being able to find the right words to explain what you are going through, and part of it is just a sense of denial. No one wants to accept that the life they are in right now is all there is for them. Everyone has a thing that keeps them going – some person, some activity, or some achievement.
"I want to be a dad"
"I want to marry my girlfriend/boyfriend"
"I want to get a promotion at work…"
But then there are those like me, who see no real option other than death – because it is as though your terminal disease has spread through your whole body and soul until you are no longer able to function. And like those who suffer from inoperable cancer, death seems like the obvious answer. It doesn't matter if it's a natural death or an assisted one; the end result is the same. And sometimes, for those of us who suffer from depression, what we want is just that: an end to everything.
"But I don't want to die!"
I am sure you will tell me that your reasons for living are more important than mine are. Fair enough. But then why would you complain about all of life's hardships? Shouldn't they be seen as challenges that make living more interesting and meaningful? Everything contains a lesson, even pain, and suffering. And if you managed to learn something from them then it becomes something positive – no matter how negative the situation was when it occurred in the first place.
I struggle with this a lot. Along with the immense pain that kills me every day, I also feel like a burden to everyone around me. I can't do anything or help anyone because no matter what I do it will be wrong, and it's like my life has lost its meaning.
There are days where death is the only thing that makes sense to me – even if I could still live without pain and suffering, I would still want it because it's the only thing that makes one feel as though they are alive.
"Those who have been through it can never forget." - John Mayer
"The greatest of all blessings is not so much what we have is who we've become in the bargain." - David Foster Wallace
If you have some time, I would love to hear your opinion on this topic. I am very interested to hear what others have to think about this.
