An introvert on the outside world...

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you felt the need to get out and be social, but were too shy or self-conscious? I have unfortunately been there many times. I've found that trying to be outgoing can actually create even more anxiety because no one ever understands what I'm going through and they usually end up judging me for being weird. One day, while getting lost in my own thoughts, my mom asked me if I was okay. That made me think back on all of the times when someone would ask if I was okay and it seemed like they just wanted to see how fragile I looked which made me feel worse about myself. I've been trying so hard to be different and to fit in, but if I keep ignoring who I really am then I'm just going to get more anxious and end up causing problems for myself.

I remember being about 9 years old when my little sister was born. At that time, all I wanted to do was spend as much time as possible with her; she was the center of my universe. As time went on, however, she started doing things like talking back or getting into trouble which would cause me to yell at her or disown her. Because of this, it caused me no shortage of anxiety and stress on my part; for years I couldn't figure out how to deal with my feelings about it. I was terrified that my anger would cause me to lose her so I tried to suppress them and avoid dealing with them.

I remember going through stages of being really close to her which caused me so much guilt, stress, and anxiety. Confronting her would mean dealing with whatever problems she was having, which would only prolong the issue because it took so much longer for me to resolve things; however, constantly avoiding confrontation led to even bigger problems in the long run. My parents encouraged this because they thought I was just a little overprotective; however, I felt like they didn't understand what I was going through. Over the course of time, this started to drive a wedge between us and I lost her a couple of times. Eventually, I decided that this was ridiculous and that if I ever wanted to have anything close to a normal relationship with her it would probably need to be as adults.

I went through many of the stages parents go through when they have a new baby; there were so many thoughts running through my mind:

Do you love me enough for her? How could you do this? Why didn't you tell me? Am I doing enough for her? Would you even want me if she wasn't here? Can't we just get rid of her somehow...

I couldn't handle this; I never wanted to be this way. I didn't have a clue as to how I was supposed to act or what I was supposed to do. It's not like there are a lot of books you can read about being an introverted parent.

I've finally started realizing that it's okay to be introverted and that there are actually benefits if you know how to make the most of your inner strengths. For example, introverts usually spend a lot of time reading or listening closely which helps them think clearly; while extroverts tend to think out loud which tends to get them into more trouble, especially as kids because they typically do not think before they speak. Today, it's easier because most kids don't have a lot of freedom to do much more than talk anyway.

I would like to think that my family and friends understand that I have always been like this and I'm trying to figure things out. It would help if people understood how we are different instead of pointing out our differences; I hate that some people automatically assume that an introvert is weird or a loner. It would be helpful if we could work on adapting to each other because that's what I've been trying to do my whole life.

I don't want to be the outgoing parent and I don't want you to be either; you should do whatever makes you feel good and is good for your family. Don't worry about what other parents think of how we are raising our children- after all, it's not like they have been through the same things that we have.

Introverts tend to show off their brains and creative side more, while extroverts tend to show off their athletic or social skills more; unfortunately, elementary school teachers tend to cater more towards extroverts, while college professors cater more towards introverts. The way people act and treat us can be very conflicting. Being an introvert can cause a lot of problems when it comes to trying to be an adult; but why should people have to worry about that? We don't have the same opportunities just because we function differently than they do.

The bottom line is, give introverts a little more time and room to figure things out we'll figure it out! Also, think before you speak- if you don't know what to say then just say nothing. I've always found that a little bit of advice can go a long way.

On a lighter note, I'm really happy to see so many people sharing their stories here! I've always enjoyed reading other people's experiences and stories; it's been really enlightening.