What we do at all times matters especially when it has to do with our relationship with others. The way we react whenever they complain about our misconduct towards them matters a lot, but the major problem is that most times we care less about other people’s feelings and emotions. You will see a relationship where love exists suffer this great demon which I call selfishness. The truth is that we most times think or see selfishness from the angle of not allowing others to get things before we or we may think it is only when we do not put others first before us. Selfishness comes into play when we do not look at or listen to other peoples complain critically whenever they bear their minds about our behaviour towards them. This has become the deadliest enemy of every relationship you can think of and the most worrisome part of it is that we have not realized that it has become the reason why our relationships fail. We have messed things up in one way or the other but the one I would focus more on in this article is; the way we react to the complaint of others.
Striking a Balance
For me to do justice to this issue, I will want to strike a balance between Apology and Remorsefulness. The reason for this is because so many times in our relationships we tend to apologize instantly the moment our partner or friend complains about our wrongdoing. This apology most times does not come from a sincere heart of remorsefulness which makes the apology to lack emotional attachment. For us to understand this I will make a little instance in this article and I wish everyone will look at it critically by putting themselves in the contest.
The Stereotype Apologetic attitude
Disclaimer: All the names used in this story are all fictions and does not have any connection to any relationship in real life.
Olivier has been in this relationship with Donald for over six years and they have been enjoying the blissfulness of a sweet relationship borne out of through love for each other. Just like a normal relationship, they have been having their pound of flesh when it comes to squabbles and disagreements in relationships. These challenges could emanate from Donald or Olivier at any given time but one thing has always been the problem with Olivier. Each time Donald complains about her wrongdoings, she will not just apologize, she would weigh Donald’s complaint to check if what he was complaining about was worth it. Donald in his nature would always try not to focus on her attitude or reactions towards his complaint. In some cases, he would try to let her know that what she was doing is not ok and he does not feel comfortable enough complaining to her. On one occasion, he was moved to ask her why she will always behave in such a manner over his complaint. Her response got Donald confused. In her response, she said that most times the things he complains about are not worth complaining about and if she is placed in his shoes at that particular moment that she would not complain or even see it as anything.
Donald tried so hard to make her understand that in life we should not expect everyone to react in the same manner we would react. This is because we are different persons with our uniqueness and personality. In all his explanations, Olivier never thought it wise to change or understand Donald from his point of view and because of that Donald was forced to end the relationship because he believed that everyone has the right to express themselves the way they choose to.
True Apology
If you had read the short story above you will understand that we have sometimes forced that person who loved us genuinely out of our lives with our attitude. The question we must ask ourselves is; what is a True Apology? If we understand this question, we will come to understand that every time we err in our relationship, we should not concern ourselves with checking whether what our partner is complaining about is worth it or not. When someone feels bad about our wrongdoings, we should focus more on giving that person a deserving apology in a bid to comfort them. The only way they can do this is by being intentional with the words we intend to say to them and in that way, they will feel our apology even in their hearts.
How do you apologize?
I decided to ask this question because I believe that a lot of us still behave like Olivier in the short story I narrated above. You cannot claim to be remorseful when you are busy weigh the merits of the other person complaint. The more you do that you will notice that your apology will just come from the lips and not from the heart. We cannot make the mistake of letting the person we offended know or feel like the apology we are rendering those not come from our heart. I believe that when we offend someone, we should not bother about the reasons why we did what we did even if the reasons are very authentic. The moment you begin to give reasons why you offended them, they will not value the apology you are tendering to them because they will always believe that you did what you did intentionally and if such reason should arise again that you will do it again.
What you feel or how you react towards something will never be the same with other persons. The early you understand that fact about life, the better and sweeter your relationship with others will be. Do not allow your selfishness to deprive you of a good friend remember the adage;
Keep your Friends Close and your Enemy Closer.
Let love lead.
