What is a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on:

• Mutual respect

• Trust

• Honesty

• Support

• Fairness/equality

• Separate identities

• Good communication

• A sense of playfulness/fondness

Source: UW Seattle

Reassess your misconceptions about dating and relationships

The first step to finding love is to reassess some of the misconceptions about dating and relationships that may be preventing you from finding lasting love.

Common Myths About Dating and Looking for LoveMyth: I can only be happy and fulfilled if I’m in a relationship or It’s better to have a bad relationship than no relationship.

Fact: While there are health benefits that come with being in a solid relationship, many people can be just as happy and fulfilled without being part of a couple. Despite the stigma in some social circles that accompanies being single, it’s important not to enter a relationship just to “fit in.” Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. And nothing is as unhealthy and dispiriting as being in a bad relationship.

Myth: If I don’t feel an instant attraction to someone, it’s not a relationship worth pursuing.

Fact: This is an important myth to dispel, especially if you have a history of making inappropriate choices. Instant sexual attraction and lasting love do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. Emotions can change and deepen over time, and friends sometimes become lovers—if you give those relationships a chance to develop.

Myth: Women have different emotions than men.

Fact: Women and men feel similar things but sometimes express their feelings differently, often according to society’s conventions. But both men and women experience the same core emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, and joy.

Myth: True love is constant or Physical attraction fades over time.

Fact: Love is rarely static, but that doesn’t mean love or physical attraction is doomed to fade over time. As we age, both men and women have fewer sexual hormones, but emotion often influences passion more than hormones, and sexual passion can become stronger over time.

Myth: I’ll be able to change the things I don’t like about someone.

Fact: You can’t change anyone. People only change if and when they want to change.

Myth: I didn’t feel close to my parents, so intimacy is always going to be uncomfortable for me.

Fact: It’s never too late to change any pattern of behavior. Over time, and with enough effort, you can change the way you think, feel, and act.

Myth: Disagreements always create problems in a relationship.

Fact: Conflict doesn’t have to be negative or destructive. With the right resolution skills, conflict can also provide an opportunity for growth in a relationship.

Expectations about dating and finding love

When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a romantic relationship, many of us do so with a predetermined set of (often unrealistic) expectations—such as how the person should look and behave, how the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill. These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer group, your past experiences, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows. Retaining many of these unrealistic expectations can make any potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.

Consider what’s really important

Distinguish between what you want and what you need in a partner. Wants are negotiable, needs are not.

Wants include things like occupation, intellect, and physical attributes such as height, weight, and hair color. Even if certain traits seem crucially important at first, over time you’ll often find that you’ve been needlessly limiting your choices. For example, it may be more important to find someone who is:

• Curious rather than extremely intelligent. Curious people tend to grow smarter over time, while those who are bright may languish intellectually if they lack curiosity.

• Sensual rather than sexy.

• Caring rather than beautiful or handsome.

• A little mysterious rather than glamorous.

• Humorous rather than wealthy.

• From a family with similar values to yours, rather than someone from a specific ethnic or social background.

Needs are different than wants in that needs are those qualities that matter to you most, such as values, ambitions, or goals in life. These are probably not the things you can find out about a person by eyeing them on the street, reading their profile on a dating site, or sharing a quick cocktail at a bar before last call