The singer of a plaintive hit song from the 1950s croons ‘Each night I ask the stars up above, Why must I be a teenager in love?’, as he bemoans the ups and downs of his romance, one minute on top of the world, next minute in the deepest slough of despondency. Such angst!
Has anything changed? In modern pop songs, young people still sing about their crushes, unrequited loves and romantic break-ups; about feeling awkward, unsure, in despair, overwhelmed, joyous and inspired, although these days the sexual imagery is much more obvious. And it can appear that the tender feelings of first love are at odds with today’s world of ‘out there’ sexuality. Adolescents are heavy consumers of online pornography, they are sexting, and using ‘apps’ to meet partners for casual sex hook-ups. They may post on Facebook about their sexual and romantic successes and failures. Research has not yet caught up with the long-term implications of these new ways of courting, but it does seem that falling in love and romantic relationships are still part of the developmental timetable for many adolescents.
Let’s look at what is known. The US-based National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (Add Health), involving a representative sample of thousands of school children in Grades 7 to 12, found that over 80 per cent of those aged 14 years and older were or had been in a romantic relationship, including a small number (2–3 per cent) in same-sex relationships (Carver et al., 2003; Grieger et al., 2014). Many of these relationships were short term, especially among younger adolescents, but a significant number were a year or more in duration. Evidence that these relationships were socially normative was shown by the finding that in most cases, parents had met their child’s romantic partner and the couples had told others of their romantic status. There is limited data on romantic relationships in other developed countries, but existing research suggests similar percentages to the US data, although with somewhat older age groups (e.g. Moore et al., 2012).
The normative nature of adolescent romantic relationships means that those young people without a girlfriend or boyfriend can feel stressed or ‘different’ (Scanlan et al., 2012). Given that adolescence is a time when there is a great deal of pressure to conform to peer norms, young people who are not linking up romantically can feel lonely and out of step with their peers. For example, on the internet site girlsaskguys.com, an anonymous young woman asks: I’ve never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Would you assume that there is something bad or wrong with that person that makes people not want to go out with them? I think it’s because I am ugly. I am not fat however. What is wrong with me?
On a different advice site (quora.com), this young man similarly questions why he is different:
I am 21 and never had a girlfriend. Most of my friends are in a relationship. I feel kind of depressed and that I would never have a girlfriend. What should I do? I’ve asked a couple of girls whom I like to go out with me in the past and they declined.
Of course, not every young person is interested in romantic relationships. Some feel they are not ready, some want to concentrate on their studies or sport, others are more tempted by the casual sex culture of temporary ‘hook-ups’. Nevertheless, most adolescents begin their sexual lives within the context of a romantic relationship and generally, involvement in romantic relationships in adolescence is developmentally appropriate and healthy (Collins et al., 2009).
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