Random Thoughts: Why am I MIA?

Lemme start this article with a simple 'hello'.

Hello.

So, why am I MIA for the past weeks? If you have known me from my previous account then you must have read some sensitive topics about my traumas. Then you must have remembered that my traumas and anxieties starts triggering when it's nearing my birthday. Thus it starts during Ber months (September until December).

What happens to me when it's triggered? I couldn't sleep. I lay awake at night wanting to sleep but couldn't. And when I finally able to sleep, I would wake up screaming and crying, drenched in sweat from a nightmare. I have the same nightmare every night.

I know my dreams are just dreams. The man who hurt me were miles away from me and he couldn't hurt me anymore but in my dreams they are real. The warm hands on my thighs, the hot breath on my neck and even the smell are so freaking real that it felt like it's happening at that moment and not decades ago.

I haven't had an episode with theses dreams for years now. But something happened in 2020 that it came back to haunt me again. Now it has been two years and the dreams won't leave me alone. I wish my birthday would never come. I wish Christmas would come and go as quick as possible.

Most of the time I am just tired from lack of sleep. And I have this air of melancholia surrounding me that keeps me from writing or finishing anything at all. You'd be surprised to the amount of projects I have filed up around our small apartment.

I know very well that something is wrong with me. I know very well that it should be addressed the only problem is it's not as easy as you imagine it is. I have been battling with this nightmare for years but it is still here. I am just thankful that I am too rational to succumb into depression and suicide.

But still, I am struggling. Even writing becomes a task when this nightmare strikes. And it suck so fucking much that I get moody and emotional from time to time. Who doesn't want to be productive, right?

Anyway, I am figuring things out and would really like to push myself to the limit. Because I have abandon some books that I need to write.

Hayyysss if only theres a pill I can swallow to make me energetic. Well there is but I won't go that path. Lol.

So that's for today's blabbering. I'll be continuing my article Bicol escapade tomorrow! Mwuah.