Anxiety hits me over and over again, thinking about my impurities in life. I don't know if I'm just overthinking but I can't stop myself from thinking why I feel this too much pain. Pain that made me numb and emotionless. I don't know but everytime I want to smile it gives me thousand sadness. Am I alien? I wish I am, sometimes, I think that I came from other planet then I was sent here on planet earth to spy on humanity. I want to escape from this world and get back home to my original world. This pain is too much and everytime my anxiety hits me, I can't stop my tears plummet in my cheeks. Those tears that's too hot and brackish in taste. I became numb to the point that I can't feel anything, everytime there's happiness around me, I just pretend that I'm smiling but deep inside, I don't know how to react. Am I psychopath living on this world?

How it started?

It all starts when I was in Grade school in which I experience too much sadness and loneliness. As I grew older, my sadness ate my whole system and I became a person with low self confidence. I'm afraid everytime I will speak in front of many audience, I feel like my heart gonna burst everytime I talk in crowd. But once in my life I became a person with strong personality, I start to have a little confidence and start to communicate. The reason for that is my classmates, when I was in Grade 11 I've met people that same vibes as mine then I found companion and friends. They motivated me to show my real talent. I show them where good I am and that is singing, they amazed on my singing style and we've performed together in one activity for Filipino Month.

That is one of memory that I have and I feel happy when I'm with them. Another reason why I became happy again is because I fell inlove in a girl that caught my heart, I confessed my love to her and she said she love me too. That was the happiest moment of my life, I love her so much, but I can't hug and kiss her, im not there to comfort her, im not there to treat her food and hangout with her, it’s impossible because we are in Long Distance Relationship. She was in Bulacan while I'm here at Manila, distance separate us apart and the love is not normal like couple hugging and kissing each other. We trust each other but trust is not enough. It is true that LDR doesn't work if one person is already giving up.

I asked her why she's giving up then she answered, nagsawa na ako, when I heard that reason my heart can't accept it. I didn't know the reason why she gave up. I asked her many times, but she always answered, I don't know. I don't want to confront her because I don't want to question her. I don't want hurt her in words that is why I let her decide, and then she told me the words I'm afraid to hear, it is better if we break up. When I heard that decision, I want to asked her, Sana tinanong mo ako kung nagsawa ba ako sayo, but I don't have courage to tell it because I know I have negligence on our relationship.

I can't show how sincere I am in our relationship, because where in LDR and we only communicate online, but it's not enough to strengthen our relationship. We broke apart, but days later a tragedy came that I didn't expect, it changed my whole life and I can't accept it, my sister died because of brain tumor. I can't help myself but to cry when I heard bad news. I want to blame myself of what happened on my sister. I hope we don't wander on my birthday so that her illness won't trigger. It's all my fault, I always asking for forgiveness to my sister but I can't take her back. I miss her so much, she's my only companion and best bud if I have problems. She's my ally to all the troubles, she also support me in everything, she's my mortal enemy but greatest ally, she's my savior if I'm down, she's the one getting my card and accompany me in stage every graduation. Now, she's gone and my life is incomplete, if there's a chance, I want to see her again and hug her tightly.

Seeing her inside the Coffin

I can still remember it's 11 in morning, I'm waiting outside the chapel waiting for my sister's coffin. I'm absent-minded that time and tears falling in my cheeks. I don't care if people saw me crying, I released my emotion and pain. I saw St. Peter's Van entering at chapel, but im still hoping that my sister is not there. They arrange everything inside the chapel and lastly the coffin drawn and lifted by 5 men. They placed the coffin inside the chapel.

I sitted outside the chapel because I'm not ready to see the person inside that coffin. I'm still hoping that it's just a nightmare, I want to wake up from this nightmare and hug my sister tightly when I woke up, but this is the reality. I strengthen my self and took courage to look inside the coffin, then my tears suddenly drop, everything becomes quiet, I feel to much pain and agony, I cried again and again, I stand there for a long time, looking for my sister's body inside the 4 corners of coffin. I saw my relatives coming, I wipe my tears but they saw me crying, they hugged me tightly, I can't stop my tears falling again. My older sister told me to shed all my tears if where at province because all relatives are there.

While sitting at the bench of chapel, I took the courage to talk to my ex-girlfriend through messenger, then told her what happened, but she never seen my message. I felt double pain, because I lost my sister then I lost the girl I love. I want to talk to her and pour all my pain I have to her but she's not there. She was not there in times that I needed her, I can't stop myself but to cry and cry. There are people who comforting me through messenger and it ease the pain on my heart temporarily. That's the most trajic event happened on my life and it made my anxiety worsen.

Sometimes I wish that I'm the one who died and my sister is alive because my sister can do many things and have a better future, while me, I'm a trash living in this world. I'm just a burden on our family and doing lots of trouble. I'm not worth it to live in this world. I always wish to God that please let my sister alive again and I'm ready to replaced her. Until now I can't accept what happened on my sister. Those tragic event makes me numb and sad person. I became a person with low self confidence and rarely interact with gathering and events. I build my own world that no one can enter. Can I asked you questions? Am I overacting? Is there any chance that I can change myself? Am I worth it to live despite of mistakes I've done? Can I escape from this painful life? I hope this is just a dream, a nightmare that I want to escape.