The memories of happiness is not existing anymore, I tried to feel happiness but I can't. My chest in pain everytime I reminisce the past. Those memories of my childhood that full of joy and laughters, singing under the trees, swimming in oceans together with friends, playing until sunset and sharing horror stories under the bright light of the moon. Didn't care about time just to enjoy happiness until elders starts to yell to go home now. The memory of running away when someone caught me picking mangos on neighbors backyard.
Childhood memories was the best, thanks for my family in province that makes my life at it's best. Life is simple and full of struggles but I didn't feel the problems, my aunt and uncle is always there to support our needs. Our parents is already dead, no one wants to take responsibility for us except for my aunt and uncle. They are so kind and helpful, I witness how kind they are, if someone asked help for them they always helping even though we have nothing. I adore them for their kindness and I want to become like them.
Everything has change when we lived here on Manila, my older sister take us there to continue our education here and have a good opportunity someday. I continue 6th grade on a private school, I'm just innocent boy that time didn't realize that im being bullied by my classmates. They've been companions since kinder and they are closed to each other. I remember that no one wants to exchange paper with me, I just checked my own paper and telling my own score.
I also remember that whole class is playing bente uno and I asked them if I can join but my classmate refused. I walk with sadness on my face, I went back on classroom then sitted at the corner of window, glancing on museum at back of school. I didn't realize that I was bullied, I just realized it when I grown up. How foolish I am to accept those kind of treatment. Maybe they don't like me because I'm a province boy that new here on Manila. It is also difficult for me to speak tagalog for the reason that my dialect is Bisaya. I feel alone because no one want to talk to me, I always hangout in next section because I'm comfortable with students there.
That experienced leads me to become lonely and silent person. During my 7th to 9th grade I became a silent person that only speaks when someone asked. I have also low self confidence and speaking in front of many people makes my heart burst and my body shakes. I became a person with few friends but true, only my friends knew my true identity. I didn't want show to many people what is my true behavior because it will change everything. I became a lonely person living in my own world consist of anime and supernatural.
On my 10th grade I moved to section 10 in which all of my classmates are almost good-looking, I feel insecurity to myself and I expect that this section is the same as my previous section but I'm wrong. My classmates always amused if I answered difficult questions, I don't know but I feel comfortable with them. They became true to me and there's no competition inside the room. If one of my classmate is in trouble, everyone will join in the trouble. I feel relieved but its just temporary, my sadness hits me again and think negativities again. I went back to my old self because I find myself changing and I know that if I feel happiness it will give me back a thousand sadness.
Everytime got home my sadness hits me , I'm always alone at home because my sisters and brother is at school and worki. I have nothing to tell about my problems and it is accumulated in my heart. For almost 4 years no one knew my problems even my own family. I don't like to share my problems because I'm afraid that someone will tell me that im just acting. Also, it is difficult to tell my problems because I'm a man, this society knows that men are strong and don't show emotions in front of public that is why I keep my problems and just pour it when I got home.
Lot of things playing on my mind everytime I'm alone, I always saying that I want to be alone but the truth is I want someone to ask me if I'm okay but I'm afraid to approach any of classmates and friends because of one reason, I'm ugly. I know that people will only listen to person's problem if he or she is good-looking no matter how deep it is. There is a reality that sealed on my mind, people will only appreciate you if your good looking. It is already proven by me, many people saw me us an ugly guy and they don't want to approach me. It is true and I feel pain for that, one time I tried to confess my love to my crush but she rejected me I realized that she fell in love to my classmate which is good looking guy. It makes me sad and when I got home, I cried a lot and asked questions, Why people treat me like that? Why this world is so unfair? Is there anything I do to experienced this kind of cruelty? Am I worth it enough to live in this world?
Hello, kabisdak! I have only been into Manila once and mind you, I also felt like I'm a lower class because 1 I'm a promdi, 2 may tono pagtatagalog ko and 3 mahiyain talga ako. Anyway, my point is, it's okay to feel sad and down but remember that how people sees you doesn't matter. What matters most is how you see yourself and believing that you matter. Laban la!