I was on a road today and I saw places and people and I felt bad for them. These people that I have seen and places I wandered through were in the middle of nowhere and I felt bad because I thought they would never get to see what I have seen..these buildings and cars and people who wear lavish clothes in order to hide their bruises and pasts they can't seem to forget and then it hit me...what did all that chaos bring me...what did those rich and modern people do for me...did they listen? Did they see me beneath my clothes? No they didn't...so if those people form the countryside had seen me...would they envy me? If those faces became witness to my ruthless past and see the mother that raised me would they have felt bad for me in reverse? Would their eyes fill with tears? And maybe ask me...(a homeless orphan)...to maybe come and feel at home among their never ending children and their grasses and their festivals and their dances and their home which I dared to belittle...maybe find me a mom to fix me again...or maybe read my palms and show me where home is...or even baptize me in in their lakes and rivers as Jesus did. Maybe then my wrists will finally be sown shut never to open again and remind me the terrible life I have lived...or maybe they would hide me in the chaos and voices of not my inner demons but actual people who feel at home wherever they are...make me forget the scent of my empty house I have gotten used to for a long time and make the smell of sweat and breath a scent never to forget...and if I dared to ask them to save me pushing all my anxiety and my depression and all my problems down would they help me?even more if they would be happy to help me would I feel at home at last? I don't think so...but I hope I do...so if this piece of writing that holds all of me ever reaches God I want him to know it's time to search for his lost sheep cause she have wandered enough...purposeless for so long...shared enough meal with the devil...said cheers to enough poison and that it's time for her to feel at home... At last.