I Wish I Could Love You Right
There are promises and hollow apologies that I cannot make up for, and yet, I want to make up for all the things that I did to ruin you because even if I couldn't love you right, I never intended to do you wrong. My Mother told me to love out of the warmth and I, I loved you out of the loneliness that I couldn't deal with. You knew all of it and yet, you gave me a chance and I took you for granted because you knew me and yet, accepted me for all that I was. I never realised that you accepted me because you wanted me to feel accepted. I never realised that you loved me, so that I could forget about my loneliness, so that I realise that there are beautiful things in my life, and the most beautiful amongst them is the love, the love that you were pouring on me from the depth of your heart. And when I understood, you were long gone. I always told you that endings can be beautiful, and you told me that most times they were not. You pointed your finger towards the sky and said,
"Maybe sunsets aren't beautiful.
Maybe, they only appear to be
beautiful because there's a hope of sunrise, Joel.
Maybe, endings are only beautiful
because they are a promise
of a new beginning",
and I sat there and looked at you while you held my hand tightly. I wanted to say a lot of things, but you decided to leave the next day, and I sat there and remembered how much you had healed all my heartaches, and how little I had done for you. You were in pain, and I was the reason. My heart felt like it had loved you from the start, it just didn't know about it. I spent my days writing apology letters and love poems that I never sent. But you were distant, darling. How could I tell you that I love you? You told me that maybe, endings are also beautiful because they give you all the time to heal, maybe they are also beautiful because you can begin again the next day. And I realized you had moved on, and nothing can be done to bring you back. I sat there on the balcony, looking at our photographs and crying like a fool.
And I looked at the sun fading away,
falling into the night and
I realized that
maybe endings
weren't beautiful at all.