2021: The Wrapping Up
2021 was a mesh of bits and little pieces of just about everything. And as much as how I badly do not want to make such a big deal out of leaving behind the year and into the new fresh chapters of my life rolling in, I cannot help but feel a deep sense of joy and peace as I think about and look back on the days that have built me into becoming and being as of the person that I am today.
For starters, I am not going to lie of how the former year has been really very tough for me as well just as like everybody else. I remember how the first couple of months felt like torture especially with the thought of how all the difficult situations we are all forced to face from the year 2020 have only worsen day by day. My depression was at its high time and for weeks and months I was a walking empty shell of a human. Hope has left me blank on the inside, and those times, I can only remember pushing through every waking minute as if I am a dust, floating. Like a feather being swayed in the air with no directions to go or home to come back to. I felt like I was a fleeting moment—as if I'm one with the passing days. Or the weather. And to be honest, I do not have any memory of my first months in 2021. I could no longer recall anything despite trying to think about the few big highlights such as birthdays and holidays.
It is painful to think about. Because everytime, I can only feel like I was robbed of my time and of some of my memories. And for some time, I was angry at myself. For letting down the only person I have with me forever. I was angry for I have failed to take care of myself. And for beating up my soul into pulp like some bully just because I was hurt and needed some time. That anger made me grit my teeth whenever I look at the mirror long enough, it scarred my jaw. And it might have only cost me more pain, but, I'd like to think that I needed that fiery confessions of anger for myself. The flames softened my walls and I realized that I was only being a human. Feelings of anger, hate, disgust, and love... they all differ but at some point, they all need to be exerted with effort to exist into being. And feeling all such sort of emotions towards myself could only mean one thing: I am being given of such efforts and thus, I am worthy.
2021 has given me the chance to look at myself eye to eye. To listen and accept my being and my preferences and dislikes. It gave me time to learn becoming accountable of healing and putting such into actual practice. I learned how to be grounded and see into the world. And I cannot ever stress enough how calming it feels to actually embrace the depths and the shallow parts of yourself, because right then you get to understand and also see the best in people and every situations. I learned how to accept and heal. And it was not an easy process but the steps of each of those days with that were surely fruitful and I can only say they are really beautiful just because. And although I still sometimes find myself spiraling down the harsh blues and violets in life, but I guess having to be able to relearn how to be a bit kinder to myself from the past year could really make the year 2022 a bit more warmer to the eyes for me. And for that, I am grateful and hopeful.
(Happy new year, everyone! Wishing you all a healthy and joyful fresh chapters! And I welcome home, 2022.)
