It will not be a fairy tale

I remember one day coming to lunch. I was going to have lunch alone. The bell rang

Who is it?

The mail. Would you sign here, please?

I took the paper to sign and saw he was on the sidewalk. Why didn’t he greet me if he saw me?

How can neighbors not greet each other? I to the mailman.

Excuse me? The mailman.

Don’t you think it's too much of a consideration for people who know each other not to say hello? I to the postman.

I’ve not seen you. Working a lot?

Always. Are you going to work?

I am.

I’ll have lunch. Have you had lunch yet?

Yes. Are you going to have lunch alone?

I will.

Eating alone is very annoying. Can I accompany you?

But you're working. Won’t it bother you?

No at all.

We went in. I served my plate; I offered once more, he said No. So, we talked about several things and I finished my lunch

Well, you're done. I'm leaving.

I'll open the gate ... Thank you for keeping me company.

Not at all. I don’t like to see people eating alone.

But you didn’t have to.

Yes, I did. Being alone, under no circumstances, is good.

I’m used to it.

At that moment, he approached me, his face close to mine, his mouth pressed to my ear. He slowed the tone of his voice and told me

You shouldn’t. I'm looking for someone who keep me company. A real life mate. I just want someone with whom I can be with, who I can watch sleep.

Out of the blue, the silence. Everything stopped and became empty to be filled only with what he had just said. I couldn’t say a word. Nothing came to my mouth, or rather to my mind, or even to my mind and then to my mouth ... The only thing I could say at that moment was.

You’ll find. I'm sure.

I have to go.

I went back home. What time is it? It was very early. I think I will have some rest before I go back to school ... but I just ended up sleeping. A few hours later, I woke up and had an awful feeling. The first thing I saw was the window of my room, open, with the daylight still full of the day; however, I didn’t remember, or rather, I had no clear idea what the day of the week was, what time it was, I didn’t know what I was doing there and, worst of all, I didn’t remember work, university and, specially, what had happened that day. It was as though my mind had gone through a process of forgetting everything I liked most. It was hard to keep the desperation away from my room at that moment. It was taking over my head, blocking my lungs, stopping me from breathing. With no air, it became increasingly hard to think and to regain my consciousness. I have no idea how long I stayed like this, a few minutes, maybe seconds. I remember only managing to control my breathing gradually and then, my brain started to work again and I began to recover my memory and to remember ... Watch sleep ... watch sleep ... watch sleep. It echoed ... and it would echo for a long, long time, but I didn’t think about what happened.

I got up and got ready to go back to work. The day slipped quietly and I didn’t see him again.

Days passed, months too. One day I woke up and I remembered his company at lunch. Watch sleep ... watch sleep ... watch sleep ... I had forgotten that.

Things had changed since then. I had broken up with my boyfriend and university was ending, only two months away – there it is something I would miss for the rest of my life ...

It had been a long time since I last saw him. What was he doing? I found out soon enough.

I was coming home one night and, when I looked into his house, there he was, on the porch, kissing, with all the sweetness a man, when he wants, knows how to express, a blonde. Yes ... that's right, kissing a blonde. It is far beyond my rational and emotional control to describe what I saw and felt. Watch sleep ... what was the point of that now? It was obvious that he had found his mate and was watching her sleep now.

I couldn’t forget that scene. I go upset and decided to talk to him as soon as I had the chance. And it came. Leaving home to work, I saw him, walking down the street? I offer him a ride, he comes in, and then ... perfect, that was the chance I was talking about, I needed. I turned the car and drove down.

Want a ride?

Won’t it stray you from your path?

No… (It worked! Thank you, Lord ...) Can I ask you a question?

Whatever you want. You see what you have from me? You can ask whatever you want.

Are you dating? (Say no, say no, please ...)

Yes, I am.

Oh ... What a pity! It really is.

It wasn’t what I asked to hear, what I wanted to hear. Why are you cruel to me? It wasn’t fair. I found now what I have been searching for so long... The things my grandmother used to tell me, his gazes, his always-ready-to-help-you when I needed, our conversations, the hugs of "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year," everything fit and he confirmed that he was dating! What would I do?

You are quiet. What happened?

Nothing. Everything is ok.

There's something. I’ve told you I'm dating and you get quiet.

Everything is ok.

Tell me what it is.

I’d rather not to say. Let's forget it.

You have such a beautiful heart and you are so beautiful.

I didn’t say a word and then I asked

Can I leave you here?

Yes, sure. It's perfect.

He got out of the car and said

One thing I'm sure of: if I wasn’t dating, I'd already have someone to date.

Can I ask who it is?

You. One day we'll understand each other.

My ears were covered and I could hear nothing else outside, except for everything he had said, that had been trapped inside me. His words danced a soft, delicate, light choreography, and suddenly everything turned dark and agonizing as I remembered the porch, the girlfriend, the kiss.

That couldn’t be the end, once more as the other times. No, it wouldn’t be the end; I needed another chance. This dating was only beginning, he couldn’t be so in love with her that he didn’t want to stay with me and keep that relationship. Just as I asked, I had another chance.

A few days later, when I got home, he was at the door of his garage, I couldn’t resist and I went to talk to him; it was one more chance. I needed that.

I came to give you a kiss.

We kept talking and he, without interruption, took his necklace, opened it, took something off of it and took my hand.

This is for you.

I looked at my hand and saw what it was. It was a small medal of Our Lady image, of those ones we lose easily, but as sweet as that totally unexpected gesture

I can’t accept it, it's yours, your protection. I know how devoted you are to her. Thank you.

It's for you. I want you to have it.

There was so much sincerity in the gesture and words I couldn’t turn it down. Nothing else was said; we said goodbye only with a hug that transmitted everything that was needed at that moment.

We met again a while later. We were talking, his older brother he and I, and at last, when we were almost saying goodbye, I invited him to accompany me at lunch as the other day. He simply didn’t respond and I realized his embarrassment because his brother was there. I got very embarrassed, ashamed by what I said. I couldn’t have done that to him. He was dating, that girl wasn’t to blame for what was happening, no one knew what was going on with me, not even him.

From that day on, I wouldn’t annoy him again. He had the right to be happy, even if that happiness wasn’t me because I couldn’t guarantee that happiness either. Maybe she was exactly who he was looking for, the company, the mate; maybe I wasn’t all that, maybe I was the dream that wouldn’t come true, maybe he was my dream.

I set a deadline to forget the whole story. If I could forget my first love, he would be so much easier. However, there is always something that can make a seemingly simple situation become something visibly impossible to handle with. When I thought that everything was settled and I was already resigning myself to another loss, my father made me a surprise

Daughter, guess who's engaged?

Who?

He.

Well, everything was settled then. He would marry, I had no more chance. I only prayed for God not to leave my side at that moment; I tried to live my life and, obviously I buried myself at work.

It was a good time for a brainwashing. I no longer remembered this story. It was as though everything had been one more dream. And I was well till my father, once again, make me another surprise.

Daughter, guess who broke up?

Who?

He.

It was a joke, yes, it was. As soon as my father gave me the news, I felt euphoria take me; on the other hand, at the same time euphoria came, it was gone, leaving me no taste of hope. I couldn’t think that I could have a chance now; so much time passed, I no longer felt the storm forming.

We began to see each other and meet frequently. In one of these meetings, it was a Saturday morning, I saw him leaving his house not wearing his work uniform.

Won’t you work?

I will. But before that, I'll go to the church. I have a meeting.

At that moment, I had the idea of ​​going to the church again. I could see him a little more. But what was going on? Was I falling in love with him again? I don’t think so, but I liked the idea that he was free again and then, who knows?

***

It's late, my parents haven’t arrived yet and I'm waiting for him again. Why, for so long, have I resisted this, him? I don’t understand why I didn’t want to be with him before because now he is who I want. I have lived for so long believing what I wanted and needed was out there or far from me. I spent a lot of time searching for someone who was next to me, I only had to look more closely. He was always there, I knew. I was and allowed me to be deluded and dominated by the enchantment of loves that never existed or, at least, never existed for me. Two days ago, he showed up the same way he always did, all of a sudden. I've fallen in love several times, dated very few times and thought about getting married only once. But nothing I've ever had is as what I have now. All these things together, at the same time, with only one person. We haven’t talked about what has been going on between us, so little whether what has been going on will go on. I'm rushing; I have to take control of my anxiety so that it doesn’t take control over me. It was only two days.

Last night he told me

You know? I thought you'd never let me get close to you. I thought you'd say ‘Don’t you know your place?'

Do you think this of me? Have you ever thought I could say something like that? I’d never tell you that. Not to you.

I got scared by what he said. What does he think of me? What image does he have of me? Who does he believe I am? ...

My parents have just arrived. They tell me about the trip and I tell my mother about him. But time goes by and he does not.

We don’t see each other tonight.