You know, he is heavy and he is my brother in some ways but he's also myself. I don't mind it's my turn to carry him, he's every bit worthy of my efforts. But I'm supposed to be the strong one, the hard-assed real man who can withstand anything - but gosh I swear he's heavier. Maybe it's being a dead weight whilst he sleeps. I haven't seen him sneaking any extra snacks, and he's no fat on him I can see or noticed. Yeah sure, he needs to work on his muscle definition, but c'mon really? Do you know of many guys with that kind of attitude and will power? Sure, he could be one of them I s'pose if he didn't have me holding him back. He's the smart, positive, go getting one. No, he ain't my brother, but he is all the plus sides my own self couldn't handle. I got the fuzzy end of the lollipop and he got lumbered with me for taking all the bad stuff. No, we're not twins, that's what I'm saying. I'm me and he's him but we're also bound to each other in this world. Here you can't be more than a few metres away from each other without something bad happening. And since we got stranded in the middle of nowhere, it's my duty to carry the poor guy. He's who I aspire to be in many respects. Sometimes I loathe him, but more often than not he's my hero and I look up to him. Blimey, he's heavy, I just need to rest a while. I sink to my knees feeling the strain and the lack of a breakfast I never had this morning. I saw him sneak a snack bar from a motel vending machine carlier, but he didn't offer me one nor even a bite. God he can be a selfish dick sometimes - and they call me the evil one! That's why I know he's not right cos I'm the one usually who's falling back. I'm worried about him, seriously I am and it's not just my own self preservation. I know if he dies I die, but I genuinely like the guy, and there's not many of the millions of pairings out there do like theirselves.
"Hey dude," you about half an hour of resting in the middle of this backwoods road. Seriously, I thought some truck might come and mow us both down, put us both out of our misery. But nothing. We are truly in the middle of nowhere. "If ya need to rest more buddy you go right on and shut your eyes." "S okay, I can ..." he's as weak as a kitten and kinda cute when he's trying to assert his authority. I mean, he's as intimidating and as dominant to me as a foam baton. ure, I'm intimidated by his compassion and kind deeds, they freakin' amaze me. And he's dominant when he's so sure of himself and positive of people's good nature. I follow his lead then cos he's so self assured. Must be nice to have such ardent belief in oneself and others. I think mainly people suck. Hell, I admit even I suck, but not as much as them of course. He's tried to teach me, but it never seems to stick. It's hard for each of our halves to fight their nature's. Sometimes I say our habits and routines are too ingrained we can't hope to change, what's the point of even trying? But generally he makes me keep trying, and I know he does his best to do so too. Yet here's where it got him. Fighting your nature is not healthy I tell him, God made us this way, why not accept it?
My knees are starting to hurt with his weight and the cold concrete. It's not that I'm a wuss, and I know pain, but I usually do my best to avoid it. normally I have him having a go at me. "Do the right thing Doug," and "Don't put it out if you can't take it!". That last one is like his mantra, I swear he should patent it. Damn fool says it all the time. I smile and try to stand up again but keeping our balance. It jolts him and his green eyes flutter open again. "What time is it?" "How the hell should I know," I reply in a gruff fashion. I'm cranky when I haven't had my breakfast. He smiles, "Ya gotta put me down you ain't tough enough, you're gettin' grouchy." I hate that all knowing attitude. I know he knows me like the back of his hand, but he doesn't have to push it in my face when for once I'm trying to employ his kindness and good will.
"Shut up man and go back to sleep. You think better when you're rested properly, and we need a way out of this mess." I'm up now, and my legs are tingling till the circulation is back. The one thing about being the bad self, is that you know your body and it's limits. I'm the one generally getting into situations and fights. Or I'm the one rescuing him on the rare occassions he's met with resistance. I fight his corner and my own, that's why I know I've strength enough for two.
"Dude your shaking, I can feel it." "Yeah," I say, " must be the extra weight of that Hershey bar you think I didn't see ya scoffing earlier."
There was no reply, he'd slipped back into blissful sleep and I enjoyed the silence. I liked to stay focussed. Normally it was his goody goody attitude and always trying to help that got us into situations like this. But this time it was me. It was my fault we left. I know it in my heart, I'd kinda bullied him into going. I reckon it's the guilt that's making me so damn determined I'm gonna carry him all the way to the next town or city if I have to.
It's been getting worse for a while now. He gets these migraines and this pain inside. He's researched it of course cos that's his thing. But he won't go have scans or anything sensible. I tell him leave the worrying to me, that's what I do best. He's been trying to influence me my whole life. He says others manage to irritate the hell out of their other selves, some have ended up killing them. I sec the glint in his eye with amusement, and I think more of me is rubbing off on him than he likes to admit. He assures me he's never gonna stop trying to show me the good in others, or the good in me. He assures me I'm a great guy and he tells me he loves me he truly does. I don't know why, I don't love myself. I have evil thoughts that I don't tell him much about them. People irritate the hell out of me. It's only cos he teaches me to bite my tongue that I hold back my acerbic hatred. Yeah, I use the word hate and not dislike. I'm trying to bring it down a notch or two with his help, but it's seriously hard to do. I'm fighting my nature every hour of every day and let me tell you, it's exhausting.
I should be the one sleeping. I could melt into quiet blissful oblivion and rest and enjoy the calmness of it. It would be a blessing over this constant fight within. That's when I talked him into leaving. I'd done some reading of my own, and I had some mates who said there's a guy out East who knows stuff. Most selves end up living an okay existence. Even manage to work out something around the privacy side, usually living in close proximity but two very different lives. He don't want that for me. He says us two can work out something better. I think he likes the challenge of shaping me, the humour and his caring side. I wish I was more like him. Be a better person. He says most selves are too different and ever think of hating me so much he'd want one of us to die. I don't tell him, at my lowest darkest ebb in the past, there are many times I wanted just that thing. Happily, now not so much. He's always ribbing me about get a lighter sense of fun and humour, "lighten up" he says. Then generally hits me with some positive statistic or saying that proves his point. God he's such a Mr Sunshine it's a love he doles out to try to get me to see things his way. I've come to hate the look in his eyes when I let him down, and inevitably I always do. But he keeps on giving and going. God I love him for the things I can't do. His hope and tenderness, his gentle manners and can't abide to even be near each other. They would rather suffer the agony and death of one of them trying to break the tether. That's stupid he said, he couldn't lot to swallow....but with his help I'm trying. And he DOES try hard, cos when I said about my mate who knows a guy who knows a thing or two... he just came no questions asked. I mean, well, none that I couldn't cajole him into giving up. He came and we hitchhiked most the way, but for the last forty miles back when we got dropped off.
"Hey," he says groggily. His voice is soft and my arms ache and my back is painful and I need to pee in the worst way. "How ya doin'?" I ask. He's ashen grey, and in my head the last three miles I've been playing out death scenarios and what it means. Funnily enough, not for me. I don't give a shit about myself, I don't deserve to live as much as he does. It's him who should be bright eyed and bushy tailed like I've seen him be the whole of my wretched life. He deserves life, as he personifies it. I've learned what his positivity can do, he's inspired me and influenced my thinking. I'm trying not to be a complete bastard loser, always thinking the worst. I think we've come a long way together. I love him I realise, and believe me I'm on the dark web I know not many selves ever say that. It'd scare the positive selves if they knew how many hits were being discussed by their other halves as a way of ending their torment. I'd never do that to him, he's the better self.
"Buddy ya don't look so good." I wince. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. I'm such a clutz. I never seem to know the right thing to say like he does. "Don't worry though, we passed a sign not half a mile back saying town two miles ahead." I lied. There was no sign but I got a feeling he needs hope, a lifeline, a reason to keep going. "Hold in there man, I'll get ya there." "I know you will. I can always count on you. You're the better half of me." He seems to be passing out again and I can see a fever on his brow. Crappola, this looks bad. It can't be good. I'm starting to panic but his eyes look up at me as if in admiration and he says;
"I'm holdin' in there for you, it's me that's sick but you're strong, you've always been my rock. I could depend on you, you had my back like I got yours. But I just defended you with meagre words, you always stuck up for me with more, even if ya got hurt in the process. the pain I caused ya." I'm sorry for He coughed and I freaked. It was blood. Dark, almost black blood thick like treacle and just as scary.
"I said HOLD ON you frakker!" He rallied smiling. "Positive language." "Don't you die on me." I screamed and with him heavy in my arms I started to run. "I love you," the faintest whisper we both say at the exact same time. And we both whole heartedly, unreservedly, mean it. tears start falling and things are bad. We both know it. We both feel it. We both feel helpless to avoid what's coming next.
Then I notice two things. The first is the great forest around us, the birds and trees, the beautiful sky. I hear the slow rhythm of our hearts and how in synch they are. Only moments before his was so feint and mine was beating out of my chest. I'd felt the veins popping on my head and the panic in every fibre of my being. "Take me!" I was defiantly shouting in my head at God. "I'm the one who deserves to die". The other thing was that I didn't feel the weight of him any longer. With every step it seemed to get lighter. I stayed focussed ahead, eyes on my goal, further down the road, hope and salvation. "Since when have I started believing in those things?" I thought to myself in wonder.
It was a miracle. I'm running and unbeknown to me his body is disappearing and retracting into me. I'm absorbing his pain and his death. I'm taking it into me, thinking, "take me, take me, I'm the one, take my life!" And I wholeheartedly mean it. It must be the most honest thing I've ever done in my life, the most selfless. And it's all because of him I think, it's all cos he taught me how to be a different person, a better person. His love and positivity. His beautiful spirit. I'm crying so much, I can't lose him. "Hey, it's alright, it's okay you won't," I hear him reassure me. I look down, he's gone. I'm panicking. I killed him, I took his frakking life force and killed him. "No, no, I'm here. I'm part of you now. You didn't kill me, you loved me." I'm looking at empty air all confused. "Where are you?" "I'm you now," says a familiar voice. "We are better as one than apart. We've been given the chance to work more closely together. Some people live this way all their lives, the good and the bad. They learn to cohabit inside the same body." "Sounds creepy!" I grumble with the barest hint of a smirk. My tears are stopping and I was seeing sunshine and the weight was lifted and my soul felt lighter. "Yeah buddy, but we can handle creepy. You've always handled everything. You were willing to give your life for me, that's not easy for you. It's in my nature to love, you've changed yours and that's been harder for you but you've done it. We're together now, always one. Both sides in harmony. Let's not waste it, let's make the most of it....now run. You've got that extra Hershey Bar to work off and ya need a bit more muscle definition. don't ya know!"
Haha he was teasing me and I could feel we were both there and I felt not only his encouragement and love, but my strength of will and fight. We'd make a good team he and 1, and no I won't waste it. And I ran for us, I ran fast and powerful into the wind and the sun along that road of life into our unknown future. But I could face it, both my selves, we were invincible, we were better for being combined. And there are people live like this every day and take it for granted? Unbelievable I smile and think. What a joy to be two halves working as one, gifts combined and each having learned to love the other for who they are and what they bring us. And I ran ....... towards.....our....bright.....future!
