Emptiness was my companion afterwards; it was what watched my sleep.
I feel as if everything had been only a dream again and the feeling isn’t of a good dream this time. It is the feeling of one of those dreams that begins I don’t know how or why, and in the unfolding of this plot, I am more and more involved, deluded by my subconscious which makes me believe that I am really living a magical, fantastic moment. And, out of the blue, I'm not there anymore. I wake up. I was torn from there or everything went out.
Suddenly, he disappeared and I don’t understand why. I try in everything and in every way to figure out what is going on. I can find no answer, no reason for his absence. The days go by and I don’t even see it. Every single day, I feel that the anguish grows and spreads over the emptiness and I begin to feel fear. Fear of myself, fear of love, of being consumed by love, by him. I had been quiet all this time in my place and he, as an illusionist trick, appeared and seduced me.
He is alone, I know, his fiancée had put him out of her life. I welcomed him, not for the facts, no. The fact is that I looked at what I didn’t want before.
And now I have it all inside me, my mind, my heart. He planted a seed. He made me sure of everything what people used to tell me and I never wanted to believe. And now all this I carry only makes the seed grow in my heart.
I can’t believe he lives so close and w are so far away. What is going on? Everything I do is only thinking of him. And then everything gets worse.
How can it be this way if it is only beginning? But what is it beginning? We had only two dates and we talked about few things. How can I feel it is the end of the world? How has it taken such dimension? My heart flooded with longing, but, at the same time, empty by his absence.
I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t know what to do to relieve the longing in my heart that has set in and gives no sign of leaving.
He loves me, I can feel. What is the question after ally? Is he in doubt? He is in doubt, that's it! He needs to know I love him. I wasn’t clear. He isn’t sure yet whether I love him. Last time we met, he told me about his being afraid of approaching me. That's it, then; nothing is clear. I need to see him, we need to talk and clarify his doubts, make him believe, trust. I have no doubt.
***
How long won’t I still see him? It drives me mad not to see him. I don’t have his phone number; I don’t even know his e-mail. But there is a way to communicate with him. A message on a small piece of paper.
When you can and if you want, I’d like to talk to you.
I will take it with me. I don’t know when I will see him. By message; I have no idea what it would be like if I saw him after these past weeks and asked him to have a date. I wouldn’t feel comfortable.
I deliver the message to him one afternoon at the door of his garage between shyness and insecurity. I don’t know what he will do with it.
...
No sign of him. It has been a week since I handed him the message. The good thing about all this is it is good in the very beginning. If only I could forget it all...
***
There is someone at the garage window. And it's him! He's waving at me. Does he want me to go there? Did he read the message? But why did it take him so long to respond it? One week! A lot of things could have happened in a week. I could have moved, or perhaps suffered an accident and had amnesia, even more, I could have met someone, fallen in love with him, married and would be living happily ever after. Why not? In fairy tales or even in the greatest tragedy of all times everything happens within days, why couldn’t it happen to me? I have a hunch that he risked too much to answer my message a week later. Let's go there. Let's see what he has to tell me. After all, I have been waiting for him for a month and I have missed him, being with him, talking to him, feeling everything again
Look, I haven’t talked to you all this time because I’ve been very busy with the garage and the course ...
Hey… You don’t owe me anything. I only wanted to see you. If I'm in the way, I'm leaving.
No. Stay. I don’t want you to leave. Come here...
***
He sleeps now. I don’t understand many things. What will it be from now on? We didn’t talk as I’d like to. When I handed him the message, I really wanted to speak to him, talk to him, make things clear. We didn’t talk about anything.
I hate when I can’t control the situation. I can’t go without directions. I need the compass pointing to the North, the sun shining where I am, I want to be sure, secure. This can’t be so. I don’t want it. I am afraid
Wow! I slept. Have I slept so much?
Not much, but he snored ...
Did I snore?
Umhmmm…
Oh my God… now you know my secret.
I wish I knew all of them...
He looks at me and I can read his thoughts - or I think I can read his thoughts. I wish I could tell you everything, make you part of my life forever. I want you so much, I always did. You are here now, it is all that matters, it is all that matters to me. But I can’t go any further. That is what I have to offer you. Please accept. I do love you. And you are mine now.
As years ago, when we were younger. I didn’t live next door yet and he suffered a serious accident. He had some friends who lived across my apartment his younger brother and he often went there. The last time they went there, one of his friends was playing with a shotgun and accidentally shot him in the mouth.
Suffering spread through all those who loved him; the anguish was the breathing air. It was painful to see the agony become friend at that moment. I heard from my grandmother. It was as if the world was spinning around me and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even move my eyelids. Everything was moving, not me, not even my heart, always so alive, I felt beat.
My grandmother dragged me to his house, she insisted I saw him. I came in his house very scared. I was always spared such things as accidents, funerals, deaths, and now I came across an avalanche of odd feelings. I felt desperation, it bordered the unbearable edge, I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t understand it until I saw him.
When I entered, I stayed in the living room, I didn’t see him; he was in the kitchen. For a moment I distracted myself by looking and watching that place. It was his house ... I calmed down, I breathed slowly. He lives here, I thought. What is in here that is him? I couldn’t identify. There was nothing in that house which was him, but it was his house ... and he was there, so close ...
Wow. So scary. Btw i like it.