No pain is greater or worse. We all experience pain in different ways. We all have a different story we are living. Pain is pain. Hurt is hurt. Survival is survival. The important part is that we do not compare, rather lift each other up through the pain, the hurt, and the survival.
We are all simultaneously experiencing trauma whether it seems like it is impacting us or not. COVID-19 has put all of us in a quarantine to some extent. Those with pre-existing mental illnesses, including eating disorders, are that much more susceptible. It’s important that we understand that trauma has different faces, whether we have acknowledged this before or not.
I am not saying that I am 100% healed from this. It’s a long road of recovery and as those in the world of eating disorders know recovery is not linear.
But the fact is, therapy was one of the first things I needed in my life to see that I was being affected by unresolved trauma. I was hurting in a way that needed professional help. I needed to dig deeper. I needed to see what some of the true roots of my eating disorder were so I could call out my eating disorder and my depression out loud with the facts when the behaviors start to kick in.
Now I write. I write through my problems and find my way to a resolution, whatever that looks like. Writing has become my therapy. It started with prompts from group therapy and my one-on-one sessions. It was a way to navigate my way through the issues and complexes I was experiencing.
What was I feeling specifically?
What triggered me to feel this way?
What was I doing the moment I started feeling this way?
What was I thinking about the moment I started feeling this way?
Why do I believe I am feeling this way?
Had I eaten, and if I did, what did I eat? If I didn’t, how long had it been?
What would I say to my best friend who was feeling this way?
What physical things can I do to get myself out of this feeling?
What can I learn from this moment?
How can I stop it from happening in the future?
What is just one small thing I am going to do next to interrupt the domino effect from continuing?
Who can I call?
It feels like I’m working backwards, and in a way, it is. It’s starting with what I know and unfolding it. I’m not saying it’s a cure by any means. There are chemical imbalances that need to be intervened by other measures. But that might be how you answer some of your questions when you start to ask yourself those same things.
For me, the origin tends to provide me reason which helps me set myself free from it—or at least provides me with an opportunity to face it head on.