…“but Kayode, you were our coach. If we performed badly as your rage indicates, then you are pretty much at fault” the angry team mate said.

It was a wise statement, I thought, as we were all pissed as to how angry Kd was, laying blames here and there. But that statement was our undoing. In fit of rage, Kd walked out on us all. Leaving us to wonder what his next line of action would be. I did not fail to note, that I carried his water can, which I had to return. Plus, the members of the team made me believe that I was the only one who could calm him.

Working on a boost, I went to his dormitory to return the water can, he wasn’t there. After waiting for a while, I was asked to check him out at the volley ball court. I did just that, and there he sat, alone, thinking I guess. It was already very dark, and light out was almost near. I sat close to him, and didn’t say a word. He finally spoke up, and asked me what I wanted. I showed him his can, and he took it from me. He poured out his heart, saying how angry he was at our team and me particularly. He said he had expected me to make him proud, and therefore, since I had failed him, he would punish me. He stood and I stood too. I looked up at him; we were standing so close to each other, I could feel his breath. He was drop dead serious. In a swift motion, and even before I could protest, he had already pulled my hands, turned my back towards him. I was clueless of what he was going to do. He pulled down my shorts and his, bent me over and wiggled his way into my butt hole. I felt it, huge and hard, thrusting deeper, with difficulty as to how tight my hole was. A gasp escaped my lips; hot tears burned my eyes with every movement he made. He made me jerk with him, and I wished I could see his face as he wiggled on my behind. His torment was soon over as he pushed me to the ground. He was panting, sweating too. He pulled up his shorts, picked up his can, and strolled off. I laid there for a while, trying to figure out what just happened. I stared at my bloodied shorts, a spot in the sand turned dark with every drop of my blood. I tried to stand, I did but with some efforts. I limped to my dorm, avoiding the sight of people, and of light. I still felt the blood drip down to my legs. I knew I needed to have my bath, and quick.

The following day, I avoided any and every body. It was not unusual because I always stayed on my own. I felt pains, and difficulty in sitting down. I made sure I didn’t get to speak to anybody. As god would have it, I too didn’t even see Kayode. It seemed as though he too avoided me. I was grateful for that. The bleeding didn’t stop, so I was grateful when the holidays came. I was down most of the time. I was sick, I felt dysfunctional. I was lost. I needed to let it all out, but to whom. I would be questioned, judged even. I would be asked why I didn’t scream for help, why I had let him. Thinking of it now, I began to ask myself why I didn’t protest. Was I in a state of shock? But something deep down knew what he was going to do. Or, did I let it happen because I wanted to? Did I enjoy it? These where implausible thoughts coming in, or was it my scruples? I knew that no matter how stupid it sounded, no matter how much I wanted to deny it, a part of it was true, if not all. I was different from a normal guy. Did I need professional help? Yes I did. But first, I needed to get rid of the hemorrhage. One night, in the room with Kene, I secured a confidant. He was in jss3 at that time. But he understood what I was saying, even though he was unable to hide his shock, surprise. He was lenient, assuring and understanding. He made up his mind to accept that this is what I was. I refused to accept, not until I saw a professional help. He even brought a solution for the bleeding. He had suggested a pampas, which was a credible idea I adopted soon as possible. We were both roommates, so we were very discrete.

After two years, I had then graduated from high school; I immediately found a discrete counseling school. I enrolled for it. It was embarrassing but I had to help myself. I poured out my heart to the good doctor. A very understanding man he was. He advised that it was all in my head, that the incident I had two years ago had been disturbing me. I made him understand that all I get attracted to were boys, and not girls. That I preferred pink to blue, that I would rather learn makeup tutorials than football, that I walked like a girl and even spoke like them sometimes. At this point, I was in tears. And after shamelessly pouring out my heart to John, he started laughing. I got convinced that he was indeed crazy, and trusting him was a bad decision; again.

“Is that all you are going to do? Sit there and laugh at my misery?” I lashed out in frustration. He tried to talk, but choked in his words. I then stood up to leave, but he held me gently by my forearm.

“Wait man!”

“So I can watch you have your fun right?”

“C’mon son. Ok, I’m sorry I laughed but…”

“But what? Huh?” I snatched my arms from his grasp. I was pissed but I was going to hear him out. As silly as he may look, he was my only hope.

“Look son, do you have any sisters? Or any female figure in your life?”

There goes another dump question, but I answered anyway.

“I have a mother, no sisters. Couple of female cousins, and, I...I don’t know how that has got to do with my current situation.”

“Good. And I presume, you love your mom right?”

I nodded, trying hard to see where this discussion was heading. He sat down and took a glass of water down his system, then looked up at me again.

“Look son, you act like a woman, talk like them, and so on, hey! So what? Do you consider the woman human an insult that it’s a taboo or a sin to act like one? Do you see the female gender as so wrong a creation that it’s a shame to act like a she? Look. A woman would act like a man, and is applauded because a man is standard right? They would even call her a strong woman. Behaving like a woman is a human trait, and you are a human. In essence, the issue isn’t what or how you act like. The question is what and how do you feel about it. The major issue here is, why is your sexual preference altered? And you are only concerned to the extent of seeking my help, because your sense of right and wrong screams wrong right?”

There it was. He understood after all. Plus, he was making a point about the woman being human too, and acting like one was more like acting like human that I was. I was also pleased that he was able to spill out the words I found it hard to voice. I also felt so insecure because it seemed as though he could read my thoughts and detect what my next action would be. Probably he wasn’t entirely stupid as Chisom had earlier warned. I suddenly started feeling uneasy; I tangled my fingers and started tapping the floor with my foot.

“Relax son. I know what you are thinking. I’m only doing my job remember. I’m not going to bite you. And, if you keep anything from me, I might not be able to help you.”

He was right. I had to fully trust him, if I wanted to know what I was. So I answered the question he had skillfully posed.

“Well, as much as I sound crazy and irritated saying this, and actually hearing it come from my own mouth, I feel great. I feel good, I felt pains that night, I felt sick, I felt so irregular, but something made me feel good. Satisfied even, I just can’t place it. I know, as much as I hate it, I love it too and as much as I want to avoid it, I want more of it. Jesus I’m going crazy”

I put my both hands on my head. I was actually going crazy. Surprisingly, I felt at peace after voicing out my deepest secrets to a third party. He just looked at me, like he was reading my mind. He smiled reassuringly then began saying something.

“Well son i…”

“I’m Simdi sir. I feel like a kid letting you call me son”

He smiled again, and took another glass of water. He offered me some too.

“Take it Simdi. You might not like what you are about to hear”

To be continued….

@Hanzell @Ozzyy @wakeupkitty @MarcDeMesel @Woolyrhino @Tony-wilson @Leo_kitti @Gwenie @gertu13 please what do ya'll think about this?