"Meow, the Secret Boy" Syndrome

What did Hong Jo make me realize?

1.       I can’t be anything more to you.

I thought it was a form of relief coming from you giving me an assurance that I always am Joie de Vivre. You always remind me that I should always be a proper noun, that no one could ever replace me. But it was my biggest mistake for I have already found out that we are living in an asymptotic world, we’re too close from each other yet I won’t be given the chance to cross the path towards you, the way to your heart. It has been years acting like planets. But we have our own orbit. You’re the one who left without saying any word, yet you always can manage to come back. Did you really come back? Isn’t it me that came back even I was the one who was left with nothing but games of questions? So what am I to you? You took me far away, into the place of serenity where I could witness the first kiss of snow, then you left me hanging, left me catching cold of aloneness like an ungrateful cat.  But I came back wagging my tail. I was patiently waiting by door asking you to let me in. But you never did for to you, finding my way back home, way back to you is not something to be grateful of. I am always in the same place, secretly looking at you. But how can you notice me if to you, I only am helpless cat, who can do nothing but to wait for ‘today’.

2.       Neglecting is abandonment too.

Why do have to abandon someone else only to save yourself? Why do I have to suffer the pain that is supposed to be endured by you? Is it more virtuous to abandon people than to be abandoned? Why does it have to be me? It is too much of yourself. Yes, it is your will to build yourself up, to rid the hurt by running away from something that tangles you from a nightmarish past. It is your choice to fasten your seatbelt as you track to rough road of busyness. You have the point to reason out the things that make your heart empty, and the only cure is something that people near you can’t provide. But if so much pride of yourself can pollute the warmth in your heart? Being tough might be an alibi for you to guard yourself from predestined distress. But can’t you see? Saving yourself makes people that surround you leave being abandoned. You would never realize that these people might be the ones who secretly save you from darkness.  It is better to be abandoned than to live with fear. You don’t have to run away, have the courage to face uncertainty, and look back to invisible things. Open your heart and make them visible.

3.       You pushed away everyone near you like that.

“I did not ask you to do that.”

How long will I endure your sharp words? I secretly walk behind you when you go home late. I watch you from a distance while you’re hanging out with your friends. I sit beside you when your whole sky collapse. I give my warmth when you’re cold, offer you medicine when you’re ill. I let you wear my cozy hug just to make you feel better. I take you to my favorite place---on the roof top, as we watch the sun to set while holding each other’s hand. I wipe your tears when you feel like you have no one to talk to. I ask you to lean on my shoulder when you’re having a bad day. But everything I’ve done makes me feel that I’m not good enough, that I’m still not enough. You still look for the love that lasted for years.