I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”