THE RULES OF THE DATING GAME
RULE #1: HOW WELL YOU ENJOY THIS GAME = HOW WELL YOU MASTER THE RULES.
It is up to you to learn the rules. Ignorance of the rules will not protect you from the consequences of breaking them.
RULE #2: HOW WELL YOU ENJOY THIS GAME IS BASED ON THE PURPOSE YOU GIVE IT.
For example, if your purpose is to have fun, to learn about yourself and others, and to develop your social skills, then you can enjoy any given date. (Dating is a great opportunity for learning about you and others, if you so choose). On the other hand, if your purpose is to meet your 'soul-mate' (whatever that is)--who will magically and instantly turn your unhappy life into a happy one, then it is virtually certain you will not enjoy any given date, nor the game itself.
RULE #3: GET A LIFE! (if you don’t have one already...)
This means: define and pursue your own interests--and consider building non-romantic relationships with a variety of people, including couples. Dating requires that you invite another person into your life. If you don't have one, you are unlikely to attract someone you would want as a mate, since we tend to attract people who are at a similar "level" as we are. By the way, there is a 'rule of life' at work here, which some people don’t like: YOU alone are responsible for your happiness; no one else can 'make' you happy. So make your life full and happy!
RULE #4: MAKE AN ABSOLUTE COMMITMENT TO LOVE YOURSELF—- EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU CAN'T OR DON'T KNOW HOW.
A successful relationship is built on three cornerstones: communication, caring, and commitment. And there is no way you can give these to another if you withhold them from yourself. Consider using this affirmation daily: "I AM MY OWN BEST FRIEND AND STRONGEST SUPPORTER; I LOVE AND APPRECIATE WHO I AM!" A powerful 'stand,' such as this, will support you in practicing Rule #5. Also, being more loving to others will increase your self-love. Plus you’ll be much more attractive as a person. **
RULE #5: GET A HANDLE ON YOUR SELF-TALK!
Your enjoyment of the dating game—-or any activity—-is related to your self-talk. Most people disempower themselves, at times mercilessly, with negative evaluations of themselves and others. Learn to observe your "internal dialogue" with detachment, like images on a movie screen, and not react to it. (Meditation is very helpful for cultivating this ability). *** Especially, don’t take rejection personally: "chemistry" has nothing to do with who you are!
RULE #6: CHOOSE A COMPANION—not a friend or love interest: that comes later....
(A companion may be defined as a person with whom you share activities, where the activity is more important than the particular person). Pick three (3) people you’d like to get to know better. (If you don’t know three such people, go back to Rule #3). Select an activity that you enjoy. Then pick the one person you think you would have the most fun being with, and invite them to share that activity with you.
RULE #7: EASE UP ON YOUR EXPECTATIONS!
Don 't expect your first date with anyone to be 'the one.' A loving, committed partnership requires, in addition to 'chemistry,' shared values and life-style preferences; compatible goals; complementary personalities; and similar expectations of (and capacity to nourish) a relationship. So, plan to meet and go out with lots of people, until you find a real 'match.' Meanwhile, if you relax and allow things to just unfold, you'll be able to enjoy and get to know your date. And your date will relax, without feeling 'sized up.' You can discover other kinds of valuable relationships if you’re not just focused on romance. And, men, you need to know that "friends" can become lovers, if you're patient, respectful and loving: a true friend!
RULE #8: KEEP IT LIGHT: don’t tell intimate, personal secrets on the first (or second) date!
Healthy people know how to protect themselves, and you do this by keeping your sharing to the public level: this means it would be OK for anyone to know this about you. Be genuinely interested in your date, and ask them questions about their life—their interests, work, friends and family, hobbies and preferred fun activities, etc. The more interested you are in them, the more interested they'll be in you (if not, you have a red flag!). Also, it's critical to balance showing interest in the other person and making room for them to show interest in you: if you're always pursuing, it's likely your partner will retreat!
RULE #9: YOU DECIDE: IS THIS PERSON A FRIEND?
If you determine that you have enough in common, after the first date, and you enjoy one another's company, then it’s time to ask yourself this question. At the friendship level, the person is more important than the activity. Here, communication is very important, and you need to be able to recognize and move between levels of sharing. See if you can begin to share at the private level (personal thoughts and feelings you wouldn't want publicly known), and at the intimate level (thoughts and feelings about the other person)—and notice their response: is it accepting or judging (or aloof)? It is useful to imagine four levels of depth in sharing, and to go no more than one level deeper than your partner does. Also, don't confuse private and intimate sharing: e.g., giving details about how you were abused as a child is not a turn-on!
RULE #10: JUST SAY "WHOA" TO SEX!
If you feel comfortable, safe and mutually attracted with your new friend, then it may be appropriate to explore sexuality...(healthy relationships are based mainly on comfort; unhealthy relationships are based mainly on intensity). WATCH OUT HERE! You need to be rigorously honest with yourself: if you're starving for contact, it’s very easy to think you see a friend on a first date. But the reality is that they're a stranger, and having sex with a stranger is dangerous!
It is critical to know what sex means to your partner: don't assume anything, ask them. You also need to respect and admire each other as people: you simply can 't build a satisfying relationship without these two qualities. Chemistry is important, but it can distort your thinking. Sexual feelings stimulate a myriad of chemicals in the body, which are proven to alter perception like drugs. So exceptional care and consciousness are called for! If you have a history of 'crash and burn' relationships, it 's a good idea to get feedback from your friends, before you jump in.
by Don B. Ross, M.F.T.*