Becoming! If I become someone else who will be me? (The paradox of personality choice)

I am always moved by the desire to become! Who do I want to really be? Sometimes I get really confused. Why? I think it's because I want to become a lot of people. I want to be anyone else but myself. I am aware of every other person's strengths, their successes and weaknesses but mine I do not know. I enjoy other people's standards, their vibes and even their dressings but mine is a flop; I do not recognize it. I find it awkward to admire my own achievement; I feel it is an act of pride to do so. And when I see people admire themselves, I perceive them as people who are immodest and arrogant. When I see people celebrate themselves, I get overwhelmed because I think it's other people's responsibility to do so. Why will people be the ones to blow their own trumpets, I would ask? My standards and infact my life, is not mine. I borrow them from celebrities, peer pressure, animals, cartoons and even insects.

I lack self control because my actions are mostly spontaneous. I act not based on reason but emotions. When people admire something about me, I will simply smile sheepishly. I lack the confidence to say "thank you". I always suffer "divided attention" because l want to attend to everything at the same time. I am depressed sometimes because I don't know yet what makes me happy. Who am I? I have not discovered myself yet. My life keeps swaying back and forth like a feather in a gale.

Self discovery is dynamic and complicated because it is a journey that involves looking inwards critically. The reality is that it needs a lot of attention to details about one's life in order to make it manifest.