AFTER THE FIRE.
There is a myth that says; If you kill someone, their spirits will haunt you for life. I don't know whether its a myth or I am just a hardcore killer even Spirits are scared of me. After the Fire; I was expecting nightmares, I was expecting to wake up and see them starring at me. I was expecting that they will come and strangle me in my sleep. But none of those happened. I had a very good sleep every night. Despite the place I was in, but I must say; sleeping has never been this easy for me. I just woke up. I am usual not the morning person but being here has taught me discipline and following a routine. By the time the Guard was screaming for everyone to wake up. I was already awake. Some were complaining while dragging themselves to wake up. Some were still rubbing their eyes and stretching themselves. I was ready as ever to face a new day. Besides; my favorite man is coming to see me today. So its indeed a good day to me. I was close to most of the Guards. And no I have not been here for that long. I have been in here for 37 months now. I still remember the day I came here. I had mixed emotions whether to come or to call them to come and fetch me. I later decided to come and save myself drama. I handed myself in. After 4days from the day I committed a crime. I still dont think it was a crime. But in South African law it is a crime to kill someone no matter how bad they were. I still think I did a world a huge favour. I saved a lot. I saved our kids. Kids are future and therefore I saved the future. I drew strength from the like of Mama Winnie Mandela, Albertina Sisulu and all the woman who chose jail than being oppressed. I am here with pride. Most people still believe what they heard from the street about me. Even in here; I am untouchable because everyone think I am some kind of monster. Its fine by me. I am not here to make friends anyway. Just to serve my time and get out as soon as I can. I want to go out there and tell my version of the story. I want people to hear from what really happened on that night and many nights before that. I want them to judge me based on truth not on rumours. Today I have decided to tell my story; to one person I trust the most. Mr MV Hlupheko. I called and asked him if he could come and visit me in Jail and he agreed. He is coming today. And am gonna tell him everything.
I just finished taking a shower and we were now rushing to breakfast. Its not an English breakfast but its better than nothing. This place is not as bad as people make it to be. Its just a place with lots of woman who are here for different reasons. Some are bitter because they think they dont deserve to be here. Some are just free spirited and accepted their fate. And than there are those who just come and go. They seem to fail to stay away from this place. Like Alexa- she is now in here for a 5th time. And she Brags about that. Even when she is released. The other inmates dont say Goodbye to her.; they just say: "see you later Alexa" and she never disappoints. She always come back. Saying this is her home. And there is no place like home. And than there is Mo (short for smomondiya) am still puzzled why she is even called that. That lady is Ugly as a man. Not just any man. But those lookalike killer who eat snakes. Her eyes are blood red- probably because all the people she killed. She has a very scar in her face. It looked like she was stitched. And than her body is covered with cigarette scars. As if someone was putting of cigarette in her. You can tell she had a very tough upbringing. She can sing though. She is a great singer. And would have gone far if she had support. She like to sing the song by Beyonce- Who runs the World. She is into those kind of songs. Ciara and other ladies who rap. She knows every words to every song she sings. I used to pay attention when she sings Ciara-like a boy. That song just gave me a clear view on how much we have to put up because of a man. We lose ourselves trying to build an old man who does nt wanna be build. We spend years not realising that There is a thin line between love and hate. We end up having anger and hatred while we must have just walked away. It is not easy being a women in this Planet Earth.
I took out my Diary. It is already full. I have asked MV to bring me a new one. I hope he does not forget. I was disturbed by a guard calling me. I went to her. And she had arranged a private session for us. She told me to take all the time I need. I thanked her and walked in this private room to find MV sitting there. He saw me and stood up. He stopped for a while, removing his glasses and wiping his face. He looked scared. I dont know whether he was scared of me - a killer. Or he was just sacred of a place he was in. He came towards me with both his arms opened. And I just threw myself in them. Feeling his old weak arms around me made me miss how strong Mthunzi was. There was no escape in his arms. His arms were just so strong.
We broke the hug and he spoke for the first time. He had tears in his eyes. I wanted to wipe them with the palm of my hand but than I thought that will be very forward of me
So I let him be. "You look thin, are you eating enough" as he was saying that he was observing me. Walking around me. Checking me in every corner. I just smiled. I know I have lost weight. Well not that much. He lead me to a table where he was sitting. I sat on a chair opposite him. He took out a Diary from his briefcase and handed it to me. "I hope its the right one" he said. I took the Diary and thanked him. "Its much better than what I had in mind. Thank you." He just smiled. And I could nt help but smile back. We spoke about life outside. He also mentioned that his wife was still very sick. (She was suffering from kidney cancer) Everyone was fine at work. They just missed me. And they asked if its okay if they come visit me. He started whispering.
MV: Jacqui wanted to come today. I knew if I bring that one, I was going to end up arrested myself. The girl can talk.
Now thats the MV I know. I could nt help but laugh. I miss them too. A lot. But it is what it is. I still remember during the trial. They were all seated in my side. Supporting me. Jacqui was always on tears. And by the time the judge says Guilty she just screamed and went as far as fainting. I was all calm. And that is why I got a longest sentence. They said I did nt show any signs of remorse or regretting what I did. The truth is if only they could have gone and see my heart they would have thrown me in Cage full of hungry angry lions. I was happy. I was content with myself and desicions. The fact that I handed myself in also counted in my favour. While everyone was busy shouting that I should rot in there. MV kept on saying the same words: "Let the one who is free of any sins cast out the first stone" My colleagues supported me so much. And I will never forget that. MV spoke again, his voice still low. We are gossiping all the way now.
MV: Can you believe that Andile had another accident.? The boy is cursed. And this time he cost us big. There will be no bonuses because of him. I am tempted to go and beat the curse out of him.
I just laughed so hard. He laughed too.
MV: I could nt imagine what state I will find you in. I am glad to see you laughing. So tell me; why am here. They said its urgent. You are not dying right.?
Me: No. Am not dying. Thanks again for a Diary. This one is already full. (I handed him the full Diary) please keep it safe for me. It contains everything about my life from birth till that day there was a fire. And from this; (raising the Diary that he just got for me) I will write my story and tell all that happened; AFTER THE FIRE.
MV just laughed. And spoke between those laugh.
MV: so we can just call this one BEFORE THE FIRE. (He laughs again)
I love his sense of humour. Considering how sick his wife is: he is still funny to be around. And has a way to make me feel better. I did nt know what to say so I took out my hand and held his.
Me: Thanks for coming. You dont know how much it means to me.
MV: I can come everyday if you want me. I can even move in here.
We both laughed. His face turned suddenly. And he was serious this time
MV: please tell me why you wanted to see me so urgently.
Me: Because I want to tell you my story. On why I did it. I want you to know the whole truth.
MV: I know you are not a killer.
Me: but I have taken someone's life. And that makes me a killer.
MV: No. Dont put yourself down. Dont even talk about yourself that way. You are not a killer.
Me: Thanks.
MV: I am all ears. Should I write everything down.?
Me: No. I will write everything down in this Diary. You can just listen.
MV: okay. Perfect. I am listening.
Me: tell me when am losing you. I want you to be with me. I want to travel with you to all the dark places I have been to.
MV: Take me along.
Me: you know I can still feel the heat from the flames surrounding us. I can still smell that burning meat. I can feel the roof cracking because of blazing flames. And I can still sweat thinking about all that. Sometimes I can't even breath because of the smoke. I feel like I am still there. I feel like I can undo some scenes that happened there. I feel like I was robbed. But thats the only regret I have. : the fact that I cant change part of that day.
MV disturbed me..
MV: so if you were given a chance you would have saved your mother. ?
I just laughed. Even MV was shocked.
Me: No. Instead I would have kill her with something else more painful. A slow and painful death.
It was too much for him. He asked for water. And stood up to drink from a water cooler that was there in the office. He brought some water for me. And I thanked him. He sat down. Did nt say anything. And that gave me a sign that I should continue.
Me: I know you probably think I am a monster. But I am not. Ever since that day; I am sleeping so peaceful. I feel safe too. And the fact that I know my kids are safe is enough to keep me going.
MV went on and took his bag. He opened it and took out a photo. There was Cleo and Theo. Cleo is missing some tooth. She is smiling in a way that she want to show the gap. And Theo has grown. Almost the same height as Cleo. He has Mthunzi's body. Athletic body. They both look happy and so beautiful. I could nt help but cry. I miss them. And than there is another one. They are with Jacqui here. It was Theo's birthday. The theme and the decode are his favourite. They all looked so happy. How can I forget these people though. They love my kids unconditional. And they not even faking it. And than a drawing from Cleo. Its cute. I can see what is what. And the colours. She used Green. She does not love Green colour. I was puzzled. MV saw that.
MV: turn the picture around. She wrote something at the back.
I did. And there was a message. Saying: " I still dont like Green. But I think it represent the future. We miss you mom" I could nt help but Cry. How old is Cleo to write such. Its been more than 3 years. They must have grown. They look much older. And clearly they are wise too. Theo is not the kind of child who shows his emotions. Blame that on Mthunzi. He kept telling my child to stop being a sissy. And now he thinks man dont cry. Man does nt show emotions. Man have to protect their loved ones. He is just a mini version of Mthunzi. So controlling and overprotective. Especial of Cleo. It helps to know that my kids are being looked after and pampered. I can they are happy. And that just ease my stress.
Me: thank you for these. They look happy. And healthy.
MV: They are happy and healthy. Cleo is a such a good singer. And she is an aspiring writer. Takes after you I guess.
I just remembered that Precious had a Diary also. And she was writing about everything. That means Cleo took after her. I am glad though that we have a similar hobby.
MV: as for Theo. He is good in Tennis. But he want to do wrestling. They just introduced it at his school. Jacqui is not so please with that. I dont know how did it end.
Me: am also not pleased. How can they introduce that kind of sports to toddlers. Tell Jacquie I support her desicion.
MV went on and on telling me about my kids. And How much the tooth fairy gave Cleo and how happy she was.
MV: look at me. You called me here to talk. But right now I am the one talking non stop. Please continue. I won't disturb.
Me: its okay. I love hearing stories about my kids. Thanks for sharing everything with me.
MV: only a pleasure. So tell me more. What really happened after the fire.
Me: everything changed after the fire. We sis nt realise it at first but it changed us all. Mthunzi was having nightmares. He will wake up screaming and panting. And when I asked he will say nothing. I knew something was eating him. I just did nt know what. At least i was happy. And so was my kids. Until one day.. Cleo came to my bedroom while I was busy tidying up. I sat down when I saw her approaching. She came and sat next to me. She inserted her hand in my chest right under my clothes to touch my bare skin. And she sucked her other hand. She only does that when she is sad. Or scared. She did the same thing when she was in hospital for the first time. I just knew something was wrong. I tries talking to her. To make her open up. But she did nt. I was just sad myself. There is nothing painful as seeing your child in pain. Later that day I slept early. Mthunzi was not back yet. I wanted to discuss Cleo with him. He came back at dawn. Reeking of alcohol. There is one thing I know. Mthunzi hate alcohol with his life. I was shocked when I saw him that drunk. He kept on telling me how much he loves me. And how sorry he was that he is a broken man. A bad man who does nt deserve me.. I did nt understand. He was not even responding to anything I was asking.
Mthunzi: you know Sphe. God only brought you here in this evil world to make us bad people to believe that There is God, there is heaven, and Angels. I would not be shocked if you are Gabriel.
I just laughed. Mthunzi has never crossed me as someone who pays attention to the bible.
Mthunzi: why are you laughing. You thought I did nt know the bible. I do. And all the credit goes to my Sunday school teacher. He taught me a lot. Not just a bible. She made me the person that I am today. And for that she will pay.
Me: What else did she do.
Mthunzi: Sphe. I love you. you are so innocent and naive. And I like that. Which is why I dont want to tell you all those horror brutal stories. I dont want to ruin you.
Me: I am already ruined Babe.
Mthunzi has never shared anything about his childhood. Intact I dont even know where his family is. Whether they are alive or dead. Does he have siblings. I know nothing about him. And that is wrong. My kids will wanna meet his family one day. What would I say to them.
Me: you never spoke about your childhood, please tell me.
Mthunzi: Snoring
Me: DAMN