(Still talking to MV)
MV was just sitting there not disturbing me. He was listening attentively. I could see that he was with me. Drifting with me to all these places I was visiting. He was so sincere. And that was perfect for me. Just shows that he was listening to me. I dont want him to lose focus so I went on:
Me: And thats how my conversation with Mthunzi ended. He was fast asleep. Just like that. I tucked him in and went to bes myself. Mthunzi was being distant and I could feel him slipping away from me. And there was nothing I could do. On that particular night he did nt have nightmares. He slept so peaceful and so did I. When he woke he had this massive headache. I fixed him up with aspirin and he was good to go. I still wanted to talk to him about Cleo but he was in a hurry so I let him be. Hoping to catch him on that particular afternoon. And it was the same thing. He came back drunk again. At that point; I knew something was troubling him. But I just did not know what. And knowing Mthunzi. I knew he was not gonna tell me."
MV disturbed me and spoke.
MV: But I have not heard you asking him what is wrong.
Me: How can I ask when he is always drunk. Its either he is drunk or in a Hurry. Sometimes he will avoid the topic by being moody. Thats just Mthunzi.
MV just took a deep breath. And stood up heading to a water cooler. He came back and sat down. He kept on checking his watch.
Me: are you rushing somewhere? We can continue on another day.
MV: No carry on. I want to know what was troubling this young man.
Me: If you insist.. Our life was just like that. We were like strangers living together. Mthunzi started being Abusive towards the kids and me. One day he slapped Cleo across the face saying she was eavesdropping while he was busy on call. I was so shattered that was not like him. I took my kids and went to a spare bedroom. Cleo's face was red and so was her eyes. She was crying uncontrollable. I could nt help but join her. He came back later and apologised. Of course I loved him so I forgave him. And he tried to behave for those 2 days but eventual went back to his old ways. Drinking. You know MV. I used to scold Mthunzi for being corrupt. But at that moment I preferred a corrupt Mthunzi than a drunk one. There were days when he did nt come back home. And I would nt even ask him where he was. Coz everytime our conversation will end up being an argument.. My kids were scared of him. Especial Cleo. Theo hated him. I knew deep down it was not helping raising my kids at such environment. But you know that lil dashed hope. I wanted to try. I could nt just give up on Mthunzi. We had come too far to just throw in a towel. I could nt. Although now I wish I did. My kids were becoming little monsters. I once found a knife under Theo's pillow. When I asked what he was doing with a knife. He said he wanted to protect Cleo from Dada. He was only 3 years MV. 3 years. I was ruining my kids. Staying in that house was ruining my kids. Which is why I decided to move them to stay with Jacqui. And she was more than happy to host them. I stayed with my monster. Taking care of him. Ensuring he was eating and bathing. Not even once did he asked or notice that the kids were not even home. Everything was fine in his eyes.
I was visiting my kids every chance I get. One day I was visiting them as usual. And we had some deep conversation with Cleo. She was sad and curious.. It went as follows:
Cleo: mommy do you think Dada hate me.
Me: No angel. He does nt. He is just going through so much. But he loves you.
Cleo: But I heard him on the phone that day he slapped me. He kept on saying I gave you Cleo. I gave you Cleo. And you can still take her.
Me: No I don't think so. You probably heard wrong. He will never give u away. He loves you.
Cleo did nt say anything after that. She just kept quite. I could nt understand what she heard but I knew deep down that Mthunzi would never have given Cleo away. I said my Goodbyes and left, when I arrived home Mthunzi was there. We had an argument; he asked where I was. I told her I was with Jacqui. Coz she is staying with my kids. Thats when the argument started. He was cursing and spitting all kinds of insults you can think of. He went as far as insulting me about my background and my childhood. I just kept quite. And went to the spare bedroom. I slept there. And being there took me back to the days when I used to stay with Nyanda. I remembered how much abuse I tolerated in Nyanda's hands. And I vowed that I will never be bullied ever again but here I was; being Mthunzi's emotional punching Bag. I dont know when did I fell asleep but when I woke up Mthunzi was already gone. I went go check him and he was not there. There was a photo next to the bed. I went to took it. I just thought maybe it was us and the kids. Maybe he was just missing us. And i almost cried when i saw that it was Precious's photo. Thats how much Mthunzi loved her. I can try anything but this lady was his true love.
I just felt week in my knees and sat there next to his bed. And when I looked down there was an envelope; a brown envelope that was thick. I took it and opened it. There was a Bible. I almost laugh thinking of Mthunzi and a Bible. Anyway why would Mthunzi go around with a Bible. It is so unlike him. I opened the Bible. And a photo fell down from it. I just thought it was another photo of Precious; I took it with that energy and anger; I was tossing it inside the envelope when I noticed that no; it was nt Precious. It was a photo that Babo left for me. I checked the back of the photo. There was a message here. But when I checked there was none. The photo was painted with Tipex all over. I could not see anything. Whoever did this wanted me not to find out what was written there. And why is Mthunzi having this photo. I opened the Bible. And it was highlighted. The same Bible that Babo gave me. I know how Mthunzi is; he will just deny everything. And we will end up fighting again. I took everything and went to the spare bedroom. I locked the door as soon as I was in. And went to open this mysterious envelope. It had a lot of photos of young girls. Some were young as 2 years old. The eldest looked like she was 9years old. There was a picture of Cleo too. What is it with this envelope? And why is Mthunzi having it. I could nt find the answer. I was about to give up when I saw a photo of Chloe. Last time I saw her she was in hospital. I wonder where she is now? Did she survive.? Now my focus shifted from the girls to Chloe. Remembering her and how crazy she was. I remember the day she told me she only prefers email. She said as if using emails meant she was much better than me. (I just laughed at the thought of that). She was crazy. Very crazy. I am just glad that she also got a break from Siphokazi. And seeing all those young girls gave me an assurance that Siphokazi's Death was a good thing that has ever happened to South Africa. I heard a main door opening and I just knew it was Mthunzi. It was so early for him to be at home. I decided to lie low pretending as if I did nt hear him. He went to our bedroom. I hid the envelope and followed him. He was searching everywhere. Just a few minutes; the room was already upside down. I mean everything was just upside down. I went to him and he was shocked to see me. Part of me wanted to ask what he was looking for. But than I decided to let him be. I left him there and went to the kitchen. He did nt follow Me. His keys were just on top of the counter. With his cellphone. He is driving some car. I dont know whose car it is. And I dont even wanna know. While I was still there his phone rang and I went to check it. I decided to answer it but I did nt say anything. The Lady on the other end was screaming. I even felt sad for my eardrums.
Lady: I swear Mthunzi. If you dont come back with that file in 5minutes; just know that our lives are over. I am glad that you know what Sphe is capable of. Hello? Why are you quite? Mthunzi??
I just dropped the phone. I did nt say anything. But something in just broke. I felt so down. Knowing that after everything Mthunzi and I have been through. He was still having secrets and plotting against me. He hates me than. What kind of love is this. And who is that Lady. I had all these questions and no answer. I know if I can search Mthunzi's phone I might find something. But how do I do that with him on the next room. He came out just in time when I was about to take it. He was avoiding eye contact and I just knew he was up to something. Something bad. I decides to gave him a benefit of the doubt and asked what was troubling him.
Me: Are you okay? Did you find what you were looking for?
Mthunzi: I am fine. Have you been in my bedroom?
Me: Our bedroom! But no I have not. What is it.?
Mthunzi: nothing. I just lost something. Maybe I left it at work. I will go check there.
Me: okay.
After saying that he rushed out leaving me there. He could be even tell me what is it that he was looking for. Well its Game On. I am gonna beat him at his own Game. No one... And I mean no one will walk all over me again. Not even Mthunzi."
MV let out a breath; as if he wanted to say something. Its been hours since we have been here. He must be tired. I decided to let him go. We still have a lot of time. And I am still here for the longest time. So there is no hurry.
Me: Its getting late. You should go home. We will continue some other time.
MV: you are right. I have to go. But before I go Sphe; I know you still believe that life was not fair to you. I agree. But dont let people change you. Dont let situations change you. You have explained to me the whole day today. But I am still lost. In everything that you said: I have not find a reason to why you did what you did. Maybe along the way I will find answers. I will come back. Coz I want to understand what happened to that sweet innocent Sphe I knew. Take Care.
Me: You too. Speed recovery to your wife..
He just smiled and left. The Guard lead me to my cell. And I went and threw myself to bed. I wanted to take out my Diary and write but I was exhausted. I was tired and a bit emotional. Having to go back to everything that happened was tiring. But I was no longer sad. Just tired. I finally drifted to sleep. And I slept so peaceful. I knew I was not gonna see MV anytime soon. When he left this place I could see disappointment in his eyes. He was hurting too. Maybe he will just avoid me. But still I dont feel bad.
When I woke up the next day; it looked like it was gonna be a beautiful day. Although I have not been outside. But I could feel the atmosphere around me. We woke up and do the usual. After wards I took out my Diary and went and sat under a tree watching some ladies playing ladies soccer. They were cheering and laughing. Some were singing and they all looked happy. I took out my Diary and started to write everything that I told MV and went on to continue from there. Just because MV was not ready to listen; that does not mean my story should remain untold.
(Continuation from my conversation with MV)
On that particular night Mthunzi did nt come back home. And I did nt call to ask where he was. I knew whatever that we had was long gone. It was destroyed by him; with his scheming and lies. Mthunzi was a very handsome man. I just could nt understand why he was like that. Why and how did he chose that life. I went to bed trying to avoid the file that I stole from Mthunzi. I was given few days at work. But I felt like I was ready to go back. And I decided that I will go and let them know on the ff day. I woke up early and called the Bus driver letting him know that he should come and pick me. And he did. Everyone was happy to see. They sent their condolences and I pretended to be sincere. I could nt tell them that I was actual relieved that the bitch is no more. I had the file with me. And I knew that keeping it here was a smart move. Mthunzi will never find it here. I went and put in in my locker. Our lockers were in the bathroom. And when I entered there were 3 other girls there. Who were laughing and chatting. I went straight to my locker. As I was approaching my foni rang and I rushed answering It. My file fell on the floor. With everything scattered around. I went down and pick it up. While still busy on the phone. The lady on the phone asked if I was okay. And where was i? I told her I was at work. And I was good. She said she was from fire department. And letting me know that my house was on fire. I just paused. And the ladies kept quite. They all looked worried. I told the lady I was coming. One of the ladies came and helped me pick up everything. She just froze. Carrying a photo. I had no time. So I roughly took the photo away from her and left. I did nt put the file in my locker. There was no the to look for a key and open it. I thanked the lady and left. She tried following me but than stop. I did nt understand why she was so emotional attached to me.. I took a 11oclock bus and went home. Everything was just ashes. The memories. My kids photos. My clothes and all. Everything was just burnt. Mthunzi came while we were still standing there with the people from fire department. He gave me a hug from behind. And kissed me next to my ear. I can't remember when was the last time Mthunzi was so close to me. For someone who had just lost his everything he looked relaxed; he was actual happy. I dont know; maybe he was happy because I was safe. And so is our kids. Or maybe he was happy coz he knew there was something in that house that I could have find and use it against him. The truth is I was confused. And being with Mthunzi has made me to be suspicious of everything. I still believed that I will find answers in that file. We sat down in a rock that was nearby. He told me to relax. The house was insured. So we will be fine. He said he will book for us somewhere in the meantime. I told him not to worry; I will go and stay with Jacqui and my kids. He did nt even argue. He agreed on the first go. And that was not like him. The Mthunzi I know would not let me go anywhere without him. Bit recently; he seems to enjoy being far away from me. Something is eating him up. We went on passed the shops where I bought few clothes. My bag was with me the whole time. He than drove me to Jacquie's house. His phone rang while we were still on our way there. He did nt answer. It kept on ringing he stopped the car and went out to answer. I did nt say anything. He came back and did nt say anything also. He just drove. And left me at Jacqui's and left. He did nt even come to see his kids. I went in and Jacquie did nt say anything except taking me into her arms. I went on to took a shower and came back. We were laughing and chatting. I must say; being there made me feel better somehow. Later on we went to bed. I went to work the ff morning. I have thought of taking few days off but to do what. So I'd rather distract myself with work. And it was working until a girl I saw in the bathroom yesterday appeared on the door. Its not her appearance that ruin my day... But its what she said and what she was carrying that left me in tears.