Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
“To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.”
“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”