The pain of an ended relationship is one that many people experience, maybe even more than once in a lifetime. Movies and books make it seem easy to bounce back after a broken heart: The happy endings either see a couple getting back together or someone moving on to an even better relationship. 

In real life, relationship woes aren’t usually resolved in two hours like they are on the silver screen, and the stories don’t always have tidy endings. 

If you’re trying to come to terms with the end of a relationship, commonly repeated platitudes, adages, and cliches are not likely to be helpful.1 Although people may mean well when they say, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” offering such sentiments doesn’t give you much by way of practical advice for coping with your emotions. 

Healing from heartbreak is not the same process for everyone. It may even vary within the same person throughout their life, changing from one relationship to the next. 

Nobody can tell you with any degree of certainty how long you will need to heal, but there are some ways you can make the process of mending a broken heart into an opportunity to learn more about your wants and needs. 

Ultimately, you can use these insights to develop and strengthen your healthy coping skills. The growth you experience will help you navigate future relationships with others, as well as the relationship you have with yourself. 

Ways to Mend a Broken Heart

In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, know that it’s OK to allow yourself time to grieve the loss. You don’t need to jump straight into problem-solving mode—in fact, doing so when you haven’t allowed yourself to fully embody your feelings may make the process more protracted and difficult. 
In the early days, try to resist the urge to isolate yourself. Sadness, guilt, confusion, and other intense feelings may be overwhelming. Reach out to the people who care about you. To come to terms with the changes in your life, you’ll need the support of your family and friends. 

When you’re ready for the next step, here are some do's and don’ts to help guide you through the process of healing. 

Don't Let Your Emotions Rule

Try not to view the end of a relationship as a failure. Instead, think of it as an opportunity to learn and grow.2 It doesn’t matter if it was your first relationship or if you’ve had others before. Everyone, whether they’re 15 or 50, can get to know themselves better and work on improving their relationship skills. 

You may have a lot of anger around the relationship, including the way it ended. You may even be tempted to “exact revenge” on your ex or fantasize about interfering in or disrupting their life—including new relationships. 

Remember that hurting another person won’t lessen your pain. In fact, it’s more likely to make you feel worse and will slow the progress of your own healing. 

Do Take Care of Yourself 

Good self-care is emotional, physical, and spiritual. You have your own unique needs in each area, but there are some general acts of self-care that are beneficial for almost everyone, such as a nutritious diet, regular exercise, a social support system, and strategies for coping with stress, to name a few.

Try to be patient, gentle, kind, and giving toward yourself. It may help to know that the pain of a break-up is not just emotional; research has shown people can also feel physical pangs of loss.

You may also need to work on restoring the “big picture” perspective. When you’re in a romantic relationship, it may be a central part of your life, but romantic love isn’t the only kind that can be nourishing. Continue to nurture relationships with friends, family, and yourself.

If you feel guilt or shame about your role in a relationship that has ended, it may be hard to be a good friend to yourself as you work through these feelings. Keep in mind that practicing compassion toward yourself makes it more likely you’ll attract that kind of energy from others. 

If you find you cannot let go of a relationship or feel you are unable to cope with the loss (even with support from friends and family) as time goes on, you may want to seek counseling. 

Working with a trustworthy, knowledgeable, skilled, and compassionate therapist is good self-care during any period of major change in your life, but can be especially helpful when you’re coping with loss.