I've always dreamed and wished to have a man who isn't that handsome but knows how to value your worth as a woman, a man who isn't that wealthy but knows how to stay beside you when time gets tougher and above all, a man who knows how to put you first before anyone else.
I am the type of woman who is not superficial. I don't look after into looks and money, all I want is a man who would let me feel that I am special, loved and a blessing to his life.
Wishing to have a man with those kind of qualities seemed impossible, but when Raven came in my life, he proved to me that there's still a man who possessed with such qualities.
When we became officially in a relationship in College, my man has always been consistent with his actions. And what I love about our relationship is that, he's not just a loving boyfriend to me, but he also became my best buddy, my safe haven and my home.
Every details of my personality, he memorized it. He knew how to calm me down when anxiety attacks me, he danced along with my demons and he planted some soft kisses around my scars.
He embraced my entirety, kissing my flaws and loving my imperfections.
With him, I felt at peace. And in his arms, I felt at home.
He may not be that perfect boyfriend but I couldn't ask for more.
Our relationship went smoothly and it even progressed to three years.
For three years of loving my man, we never had a big fight. But then destiny wouldn't just allow two lovers to be consistently happy.
So, upon our first semester in Fourth Year College came, a devastating news shattered both of our perfect world.
There, I was diagnosed of having a stage three bone sarcoma and there's just a slim chance of me surviving with it. I've already experienced those symptoms when I was in highschool, but I just disregarded it for I thought it was just a normal case. And besides, I don't want my parents to carry another burden.
I honored my disease in silence and because of that, my condition became worse. The cancer cells slowly spread across my bone tissues and it slowly consumed my body.
When Raven knew my condition, I didn't see any pain in his eyes. He didn't show that he was affected.
Instead, he became stronger for me.
"If both of us became weak, then who would fight for us? Ako ang walang sakit sa atin kaya dapat lang na mas magiging malakas ako para sa ating dalawa."
Feeding me a spoonful of rice and a slice of bacon, a small tears escaped my eyes.
"Thank you..." Those words escaped my lips out of nowhere.
God, I started questioning my worth if do I really deserve this lovely man in front of me? He's just too good to settle with a woman who is lying in a hospital bed and on the verge of death.
"Magpapakalakas ka love, ha?" Sinubuan niya ulit ako at kita ko ang namumuong luha sa mata niya.
Umiwas siya ng tingin ngunit hindi nakatakas sa paningin ko ang mga luhang kumawala sa mata niya.
Damn, the strongest man I've known is shedding tears in front of me. Worse, I am the reason of those tears.
"If you could just pass on your illness to me, I would gladly accept it, love. I just couldn't afford to stare at you in that vulnerable state,'" he whispered gently, his eyes glistening with tears.
There, my heart melted with his words.
The care and passion when he said those lovely words are so damn heartfelt.
Despite being weak, I forced myself to paint a smile across my lips.
"I will survive with this, love. Ga-graduate pa tayo, magpapakasal at magkakaroon ng pamilya." I flashed a reassuring smile and there, he broke down into tears.
For the first time in years, Raven allowed me to witness his soft and vulnerable side.
"Survive, okay? We still had plans, love. We still had dreams. We still had so much to do." Raven gently held my hands as he planted a kiss on my forehead.
When I saw the rain pouring outside, I sweetly smiled at my man.
"Love, please dance with me in the rain," I whispered excitedly like a kid.
"Life is unpredictable and I don't know if I could open my eyes again tomorrow or in another day so I would make this life of mine memorable even for one last moment."
"Love..." His voice broke. There was hesitation in his voice but I gently squeezed his hands.
"Allow me to spend the rest of my life with you, love."
I smiled weakly and there, droplets of tears finally escaped my eyes.
My parents and my personal doctor didn't allow me to soak in the rain but I begged and even cried for it.
I just want to make my life extra special.
Raven guided to walk in the backyard as he played the trend song, "Binibini".
I looked at the sky and the droplets of rain poured around my face.
I couldn't help but to smile. My man then held my hands and waist as we slowly dance along the pouring rain while the song "Binibini" serenated us.
I swear, it was the most peaceful and wholesome scenery I've ever felt.
"I love you so much, love," I whispered to him.
Glad that the rain concealed my tears so he didn't notice me already crying.
We still danced while the rain is peacefully pouring the place.
"I've always prayed to God to let me die first because I couldn't live without you, love. Mas gugustuhin ko na lang ang mauna kaysa sa mabuhay na hindi ka kasama," wika ko.
Mas lalo akong napaluha sa mga nasabi ko. Maging si Raven ay napapaluha na rin.
"I love you so much, love. Sobrang thankful ko kasi dumating ka sa buhay ko."
Tuluyan nang napaiyak si Raven ngunit hindi pa rin naputol ang aming pagsasayaw.
What happened in the rain was an emotional one but it was real and heartfelt.
I was scheduled to have my surgery after a week and there's no guarantee if I would survive or not.
So, what I did was to spend my remaining days with Raven and live my life to the fullest.
We went to church and offer a prayer, we went to our usual dating spot and we ate my favorite foods.
"You are the strongest woman I knew and I believe that you can survive with this, love," bulong ni Raven.
My heart warmed and weakly smiled.
"Basta, no matter what happens with my operation, successful or not, I will always love you, Raven. I've already spent my life with you and I'm forever grateful for the time that God has given us."
With tears in my eyes, I kissed him and later, we separated our ways as I went into the operating room.
If I would die right now, I would die the happiest because I've had the chance to spend my last day with my man.
—"You wake up, anak!"
Agad akong sinalubong ng mga iyak ni Mama. Maging si Papa ay nagsimula na ring napahikbi.
"Thanks, God..." bulong ni Papa sa kalangitan.
"W-Where's R-Raven?" nahihirapang sambit ko habang inilibot ang aking paningin.
Parehong natahimik sina Mama at Papa.
The atmosphere suddenly became heavy and I could feel that something is off.
"Ma.. Pa... nasaan si Raven?"
Unti-unting bumuhos ang mga luha ni Mama sa harap ko.
"Anak... naaksidente si Raven sa sinasakyan niyang motor."
"Tell me he survived!" I exclaimed. "TELL ME THAT HE SURVIVED, MA! JUST HOW HE TOLD ME TO SURVIVE, TOO!"
"I'm sorry, anak. But Raven didn't make it. He was dead on arrival..." sambit ni Papa.
Tuluyan nang gumuho ang mundo ko.
The moment I knew that Raven died, there was one only thing that came in my mind.
"I wish I never woke up!"
After a week, I was discharged from the hospital and I'd never thought that I would see myself delivering a death speech in a funeral.
Everyone was all in tears as they wait for my speech because they witnessed how close and strong our relationship was.
"For the past few days, I've been struggling to decide on what to do. If I would speak here in front or just lock myself in my room and cry. Kasi sa totoo lang, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa nangyari."
I swallowed hard as I speak.
"I thought I'd at least get to write 60 more corny birthday messages before we'd get to a death message. I thought I'd at least say my vow in front of the altar before I say my last goodbye to you. And I thought I'd at least see our marriage certificate before I'd get to see your name on a funeral."
Tears started forming in my eyes before I continued.
"But love, bakit mo ako iniwan sa ere?"
Upon uttering our endearment, I cried.
Tuluyan na ring napaluha ang mga tao sa simbahan.
"You leaving me was the last thing I expected. I kept on texting you and hoping that you'd suddenly reply on my text and you'd call me. And we'd get frustrated because the signal is poor. Then we'd try it again as if it made any difference. I can still hear your opening line, "LOVEEE" while using your childish, raspy voice. And I hope I'd never forget that voice."
I cracked a laugh but the tears still kept pouring down my face.
"Some may wonder why I don't look at my man's coffin after he died. It's not because it sting, but because I don't want my last memory of him lying inside a white casket. I don't want my last memory of him with his eyes closed and no longer breathing. I want to preserve my last memory with him dancing in the pouring rain."
There, all the visitors cried along with me.
"You know what's really painful? It's not the fear of being alone but the fact that we'll be clueless on how to move forward when we've grown so much with the people we lost."
Upon uttering those words, my eyes watered. Mas lalong nanikip ang dibdib ko.
Instead of looking at his coffin, I looked from the heavens and there, I bursted into tears.
"Love, you were the first one I loved. Now, you were the first love I lost. I wish that our love story was a book so that I could just edit the ending and make it a happy one. But no, we lived in a reality where unexpected things happen and one of it is your sudden death."
I wiped my tears and looked above.
"Love, it was a great privilege to be the last woman you loved. Thank you for everything, Raven. I know that after this, I will keep looking for you in the faces of other people. I will search for you in the faces of other men. You are just irreplaceable, my love. And even when you are gone, you occupied a special place in my heart."
Habang nakatingala ay para akong tangang umiiyak. Sapo-sapo ko ang dibdib kong napatingin sa kalangitan.
The sudden turn of event is really unbearable. Akala ko ako ang mauuna sa amin but destiny really loves to play.
I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with him. But no, he spent the rest of his life with me.
It might just be a short moment, but I knew that everything was real.
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