Dear Diary,
The sun is slowly dissolving the morning cold and the day looks like it will be warmer than yesterday. A dark cloud has been residing here temporarily and my mind is scattered. This piece is an attempt at channeling it productively.
I have seen better days but I am currently banking on these tough times to help me with ideas on how to tackle the coming ones. From my emotional state to the shallows of my pockets, I am always fighting the temptation to just give up and walk away. Like forget better, strew every dream there is and settle for whatever every other unambitious person does.
But. The nature of my curious effortlessly overwhelms that thought the instant it hits my mind. The whole idea of passing out on an opportunity to live a fulfilled life mocks me in the back of my head. A try at it wouldn't hurt I guess.
The issue has never been lacking the desire for better or the will to work for it, it has always been this mist of self doubt hovering over this spirit. The audacity to create then hate one's creation. Immense procrastination. This annoying habit of questioning sound decisions thanks to overthinking. Did I say procrastination? Also. Perfectionism and consistency won't coexist here so even the act of polishing whatever skills there are proves to be tedious.
Years ago, I trudged through my days piling and concealing pain. I devoured whatever it threw at my feet in a bid to fill the emptiness overtaking my sacred. My thinking was rigged and I can't express the certainty of how I believed I deserved misery.
Sitting in that pain for years and letting in a bit of light especially the last three years, has seen some unexpected changes happening. It was never an option for me to search for any solutions inwardly at the beginning because I was afraid of dealing with any pain. Years of sneaking in and out of painful spaces has slowly liquidated my own and intertwined the remaining with my core.
This in return is helping me unpack in slow motion. I am now dealing with the triggers and the what makes them triggers. I am acknowledging my inner child for holding down the hill as I work on bring it down. I have discovered beautiful things about who I am as a person and what I can handle as a soul. I have caressed a few of my scars with utmost respect for my strength.
That only means there is hope. And hope means adding on the work. It means learning to unlearn what is unhealthy and learning and relearning what is compatible with my energy. It is the constant search for light and tending to my dying roots. This is the behind the scenes of my agonising rebirth. My only chance at ending the act of shape-shifting to survive!
wambuku w.
