Dear Diary,
Me, myself and I plus my now fully awakened demons are here to make it known that we still exist. We can't say living as that is for happy people. Whole ones. We ain't that. And we have accepted that. So currently, lets just settle on existing.
We have been ignoring the ink and his squire as we decided to hibernate. For those of you who are not following, hibernation is what we call the period where we want to do absolutely nothing productive with ourselves for some reason. This time, the reason has been dealing with something my pride won't allow the sharer in us to spill on the chain.
Something that has single-handedly gnawed on our vulnerabilities and left us half damaged.
Opening 2020 was like getting another complex puzzle but its like this one came with this unmatched desire to reclaim unpredictability. For all of us. We (ya'll and my multitudinous being included) tried to make the best out of something that was robbing us of our readily available freedom.
The pandemic and her mutating consequences.
From rendering us -the entire human race- unsociable and to leaving every common man of his knees begging for something. Be it food, health or even consideration.
For us, this year has to be the most bittersweet affair we've ever had with a calendar.
The highs had us in cloud high nine -higher than blunts has ever had us- floating on zero doubts.
We surfed the occassional tides with unimaginable egotistical easiness that at some point it made us paranoid that it was even possible. Everything seemed to fall in place for a minute or two and unable to contain our excitement, we shifted our future gears. We made plans. We exercised inclusivity on permission and started making investments towards it.
At this point, you are allowed to roll your eyes in disgust or whatever it is that you feel for our dreamy selves.
As we were busy thinking we have turned a new leaf and how finally life was being a little fairer, everything went black. Shock quickly turned into confusion. Then it became anger. This we easily turned inwards and went ahead to project it on our healing core.
It burned like acid would on flesh. It dissolved whatever trust we had replaced our unscalable walls with then went ahead to tame us by taking us on a quick tour to our unproperly buried past.
That trigger was resourceful so from there it was downhill for us.
We should have known that the fall would leave us scattered at unemptied ocean floor.
Its been a while since we felt this much hate for ourselves.
To get here -a place where we feel like we can share our stained thoughts again- we have crawled through days thinking we wouldn't live to see the coming dawns. We have rehoused our demons and redecorated their rooms.
They in return have dragged us back to hell as a requirement if we are to cohabit.
The energy to fight them back to the shadows will refuel itself with time -we are fully aware and embracing that fact- and so will the opportunity to reinvent ourselves as wordsmiths, lovers and nurturers but it will take time. Whatever dying light that is left here is promising us such in the unknown future if we choose to hold on long enough to experience it.
One step at a time.
